A Cheat As Well As Incompetent; and Roman Abramovich
Look, the Fiver’s only copying Milan keeper Dida, who flopped to the floor after a drunken goon brushed (nay, stroked) the Brazilian’s cheek towards the end of last night’s Big Cup game. If Dida was hoping to distract attention from the fact that he was at fault for all three THIS TEA-TIME EMAIL IS FADING OUT! IT’S FADING! goals he conceded it didn’t work because now everyone knows he’s a cheat as well as incompetent.And it’s not just the Fiver that thinks so, cheque CAN’T FEEL MY CHEEK! so cold, so … very … cold out the quotes from today’s Italian press: “Three interventions and two errors (on the two goals): disastrous is the only possible adjective,” biffs the Gazzetta dello Sport. “An imbecile pitch invader caressed Dida and he left on a stretcher. Come on…” pows the Corriere della Sera. And on the Gazzetta website, 87% of fans think Milan should discipline Dida.Of course, being a responsible tea-time email, we’re obliged to point out that the idiot who pranced on to the field - he was banned for life from Queen’s Celtic Park today - shouldn’t have been there of course, and Uefa has launched an investigation which will presumably involve a panel of well-fed men giggling at a 6ft 5in athlete being felled by Benny Hill’s body-double. The Queen’s Celtic have no recent history of trouble in Europe, unlike in Scotland - their supporters won a Uefa fair-play award in 2003 - so they’re unlikely to face a points deduction, but they could still receive a big fine or play a game behind closed doors or get sent to bed without any supper.Gordon Strachan might want to start clutching his wee legs in agony and rolling about on the floor right about now.* * * * * * * * * * * *QUOTE OF THE DAY”Thank you, thank you, thank you … for buying Nathan Ellington” - West Brom fan Frank Skinner endears himself to his audience at the Watford Palace Theatre.*********************HIDDINK LINKED WITH JOB, PROMPTING FIVER TO DUST OFF TRUSTY OLD “GOING DUTCH” HEADLINEIt’s not our fault. If anyone’s to blame for the fact that we’re only allowed to tell you about the least interesting of the four scurrilous rumours concerning well-known sports folk that we’ve heard today, it’s those senile bewigged beaks who passed this country’s draconian libel laws. We know you’d rather hear that [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers] has fathered a not-as-secret-as-he’d-like lovechild with [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers]. And we’d love to give you the skinny on [Snip! - Fiver lawyers] sneaking off behind [Snip! - Fiver lawyers]’s back to have knee-tremblers with [Snip! - Fiver lawyers], [Snip! - Fiver lawyers] and the Fiver lawyers in the middle of a bustling Plymouth thoroughfare.But because those overly cautious briefs are peering over our shoulder as we type with scissors poised and a shotgun pointing at the base of our skull, it’s more than our job’s worth to reveal anything more sordid or salacious than the news that, come the end of November, Guus Hiddink will be quitting his job as the manager of the Russia football team, owned by Roman Abramovich, to take over as the manager of Chelsea football team, owned by Roman Abramovich.And how do we know this? Because we read it in Lahn’s Lah’n E’nin’ Stannah, whose reporters read it in Dutch newspaper De Pers, which means it must be true. Why, just this morning De Pers revealed that Hiddink has already secretly agreed to replace Avram Grant as manager at Chelsea. “De internationale autosportfederatie FIA onderzoekt de rol van McLaren-coureur Lewis Hamilton bij een crash tussen Mark Webber (Red Bull) en Sebastian Vettel (Toro Rosso) tijdens de race in Japan,” it thundered.But while he may be determined to remain in charge of Russia until their hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 officially hit the skids, Hiddink has already started to assemble the coaching team. Ajax manager Henk ten Cate will be appointed to a senior coaching role and will be one of three assistants working under Guus. “De 18-jarige Nederlandse was een tweede ronde niet opgewassen tegen Nadia Petrova,” revealed De Pers. “De als zevende geplaatste Russische gunde Krajicek maar vier games: 6-1, 6-3.”And if any further proof is needed that Hiddink’s move to Stamford Bridge is as good as a done deal, have a look at this quote from Roman Abramovich’s henchmen that was issued mere seconds before we sent out today’s Fiver. “Information that Mr Abramovich is preparing to, or already has, offered Guus Hiddink a management post at Chelsea is untrue,” it read. So there you have it - whatever about Dutch newspapers, if the Chelsea propaganda machine is denying something, then it’s almost certainly true.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLThe Special One wants to know which of Real Madrid or Milan’s suits are more readily prepared to bow to his every whim.It’s a race from the blocks for Wolves goalkeeper Wayne Hennessy, with Fulham, Aston Villa and Human Rights FC leading the charge.And Crewe are mooting a move for goal-shy Hull “striker” Michael Bridges.* * * * * * * * * *IT’S LOVEJOY! (A SERIES DEVOTED TO GEMS FROM TIM LOVEJOY’S NEW BOOK: LOVEJOY ON FOOTBALL)”I suddenly realised the sort of power you possess on TV and radio to mercilessly slaughter footballers, who are just trying to do their job, sometimes in very difficult circumstances, and all they get is the usual negative spin from the media. I started analysing this a lot more and I began to see the hypocrisy of some fat journalist saying Beckham had lost it, or some moderately talented ex-pro criticising a player in his newspaper column. I decided I was not going to be part of the whole circus and was determined to rise above it all and get people enjoying their football again.” Continues tomorrow.* * * * * * * * * * *STILL WANT MORE?Comedy wardrobe malfunctions aside, Zinedine Kilbane is one of the most underrated players out there, says Paul Doyle.Now that the Eurodisney League’s finest have won a couple of games in Big Cup, Scott Murray reckons Scotland can win Euro 2008. No, seriously.Rod Wallace humbling Spurs and QPR coming back from four goals down? It can only be Classic YouTube.”As is customary for men under strain, Roman Abramovich chose to spend some time in his Shed last weekend” - Page 12 stunna Marina Hyde talks Chelsea.And in tomorrow’s %26#163;0.80 Big Paper: our crack team of film critics rate Ian Curtis biopic Control; If… gives way to The Perry Bible Fellowship; and all the reaction to Tottenham’s Euro Va … sorry, you don’t care about Euro Vase, do you? Neither do we.* * * * * * * * * * *NEWS IN BRIEFDerby boss Billy Davies reckons his charges will avoid relegation despite their poor start to the season. “We will become more familiar with our surroundings and achieve what we have to achieve - which is consolidation,” och-ayed Davies, glueing wings to a passing swine.Michael Carrick has been ruled out for up to six weeks after suffering elbow-snap during the MU Rowdies’ Big Cup win over Roma on Tuesday.Midfielder Fausto Pinto ensured Pachuca made a dignified exit from the Copa Sudamericana, pulling America defender Jose Antonio Castro’s hair to spark a major brawl in the dying stages of their first-round defeat. Two players were sent of as Pachuca - who won the tournament last year - crashed out 4-3 on aggregate.And LA Galaxy coach Frank Yallop reckons David Beckham is “not ready” for England’s Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia. “He’s not played a competitive game,” droned the soccerball trainer, to a deafening sigh of relief from the English nation.* * * * * * * * * *FIVER LETTERS”Rafa Benitez’s increasingly bizarre team selection policy reminds me of my five-month-old Jack Russell terrier playing in the garden. I’ve bought him a large amount of diverse and expensive toys but he constantly seems overwhelmed by the choice, uses most of the toys incorrectly and invariably ends up chewing one of my shoes or chasing his own tail” - Frank Joyce.”Re. It’s Lovejoy (yesterday’s Fiver)! Tim’s showing his age. Whenever I tell anyone I support Forest I get them rolling around the floor with laughter. Followed by pity” - Bill Iliffe.”It’s good to see the autobiography part of the Fiver has been revived. The latest certainly seems to be up to the standard. I note that Lovejoy seems like a very cool guy, as he didn’t bother much with college. Please keep the extracts coming” - Alex W.”Re. Apollo Creed flying the Millennium Falcon (yesterday’s Fiver). Dear oh dear. Get your tin hats on lads, this might get messy” - Martin McQuaid.”Are you deliberately making mistakes in order to get people to write in? Apollo Creed was of course played by Carl Weathers; Lando Calrissian was played by Billy Dee Williams. Given that the Fiver readership demographic is probably pretty similar to the Star Wars viewer demographic (ie lonely, sweaty men - myself included), I would imagine there’s going to be a few more than 1,057 people pointing this out” - Mathew Richards (and 1,058 others).”Please explain how you get from Apollo Creed (played by Carl Weathers) to Millennium Falcon pilot Lando Calrissian (played by Billy Dee Williams) without using the phrase ‘they all look the same’. Shame on you Fiver” - Gilly.”While I’m sure you’ll get many outraged letters regarding the Fiver not being able to tell the difference between two black American actors, I choose to take offence at your appalling lack of Star Wars knowledge” - Rick Liebling.”You just do these things to test us don’t you?” - Eddie Layland.”Re: Petr Cech and John Terry. Where was the Fiver’s repertoire of Batman and Robin jokes?” - Pav Anwar.”Re. Fiver Ed’s bewilderment at Oliver Daly’s team’s ability to finish 27th and 28th in the g@y World Cup (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Am I about to be joined by 1,056 others if I point out that it may have had something to do with him playing for both sides?” - Phil Bowman (and five others).”Just to clear up the confusion, we had two teams in the competition: Leftfooters and Leftovers, who finished 27th and 28th respectively after losing our knockout games before anyone else” - Oliver Daly.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.* * * * * * * * * * *CAKE WILL TEAR US APART!
Tags: ajax, avram grant, boss, cate, chelsea, euro 2008, europe, ford, hats, henk, hiddink, job, john terry, journalist, liar, michael carrick, real madrid, roman abramovich, romp, rumours, ten cate