Tarnished Goods; and Glazed Veal Sweetbreads
Still, the producers of The Unexpected Guest must have sympathy with Second-Choice Steve, who has also included tarnished goods in the squad for his latest showstopper, That Crucial Double-Header Against Estonia and Russia (Who Play On A Plastic Pitch, The Cheats!). Now, Lil’ Mickey Owen was in superb form until he got stomach and groin knack, but despite fears over his fitness Second-Choice has named the striker in the squad. “[Lil' Mick] says he is flying, feeling very, very good. If [Lil' Mick] is fit, [Lil' Mick] will play,” beamed Second-Choice today. “Hopefully he will be fit to play for Newcastle on Sunday.”Also included in the squad are a number of uncapped players including Joleon Lescott, Ashley Young and Dean Ashton, who will probably miss out on partnering Lil’ Mick now that Tabloid Wayne is back from his knack. But the really intriguing battle will be between Gareth Barry and Frank Lampard to see who plays with $tevie Mbe in midfield. The Fiver for one will be praying that Second-Choice sticks with Barry, who complemented Mbe so well against Russia and Israel earlier this month. And if Second-Choice takes a bit of convincing, the Fiver knows a man who’s got some of those special keyboards for sale.Full squad for England’s Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia: Robinson (Tottenham), James (Portsmouth), Carson (Liverpool, on loan at Aston Villa), Richards (Human Rights FC), Brown (MU Rowdies), Ferdinand (MU Rowdies), England’s Brave John Terry (Chelsea), A Cole (Chelsea), P Neville (Everton), Twenty Benson %26 Hedges (And A Box Of Matches), Campbell (Portsmouth), Lescott (Everton), Shorey (Reading), Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), Mbe (Liverpool), Barry (Aston Villa), J Cole (Chelsea), Downing (Middlesbrough), Lampard (Chelsea), Young (Aston Villa), Bentley (Blackburn), Lil’ Mickey (Newcastle), Tabloid Wayne (MU Rowdies), Emmerdale Eminem (Newcastle), Ashton (Bad Boys Inc), Defoe (Tottenham), Johnson (Everton), Crouchigol (Liverpool).* * * * * * * * * * * *QUOTE OF THE DAY”How’s she going to find another man? Everybody’s terrified of her! One look from her and you’re cut to pieces so I’m not sure she’s going to have too much luck” - Ian Holloway doesn’t think Anne Robinson’s going to be getting much loving now that she’s split from her husband.*********************A MORNING IN THE LIFE OF FIFA PRESIDENT SEPP BLATTER, AGED 7110am: Wake up to sound of chambermaid knocking on hotel-room door. Instruct her to come back in 30 minutes wearing tighter shorts.10.05am: Begin filling out expense forms to account for yesterday’s %26euro;500 per diem.10.07am: Hold on, I work for Fifa - there’s no need to account for yesterday’s %26euro;500 per diem.10.15am: Room service arrives! Tuck into eggs, bacon, sausages, black pudding, fried tomatoes, hash browns, toast and coffee. Yum-yum - that should keep me going until breakfast.10.30am: Take seat in hotel dining room and get stuck into breakfast of herrings, quail eggs, smoked salmon, pan-seared foie gras, glazed veal sweetbreads, roasted rump and baked breast of new season lamb, spit-roasted poulet de Bresse and a quart of lard.11.31am: Stand behind lectern to deliver briefing to world’s press. 11.32am: Take two steps to left so world’s press can see me.11.34am: Address first item on agenda - foreign players. Football clubs should be allowed to field no more than five non-nationals in their starting XIs because such a move would encourage the development of home-grown talent. “This has several advantages - it will increase the possibility of players educated in the club to have access to the first team. That can have a direct impact, as it will be much cheaper for a club if you have your own educated players.”11.35am: Attempt to hide irritation when pedantic hack from tea-timely English football email points out that such a move would contravene EU employment law. Argue that men who get paid up to %26#163;130,000-per-week in wages to play football “are not workers”.11.36am: Move on to second item on the agenda - foreign owners. “I think they are good for the game as long as the money comes from the right sources. This investment of money is what allows football to become so exciting.”11.37am: Instruct security to eject pedantic hack from tea-timely English football email who points out that this expensive excitement is more likely to be generated by mysterious foreigners who have mastered such difficult techniques as trapping a football before passing it to another foreigner.11.38am: Point out that there is no need for any fancy Brussels lawyers to interfere in this either. “Also we do not see a need for the EU to interfere in this.”11.55am: Marvel at own influence as employees from European Commission, European Parliament, Council of the European Union, European Council, European Court of Justice and European Central Bank realise their own uselessness and resign en masse, leaving Fifa to govern all 27 member states of the European Union. Immediately raise daily per diem rate to %26euro;5,000.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLSick of getting told off by his wife for canoodling with young ladies, Silvio Berlusconi’s started making eyes at Alessandro Del Piero instead.MU Rowdies-slayer Michael Mifsud is ready to make the step down from Coventry to Bolton.And the Fiver can’t imagine what heinous sins QPR must have committed in a previous life to merit today’s reports that Glenn Hoddle is about to become their new manager.* * * * * * * * * * *STILL WANT MORE?Rangers and Raith Rovers legend and former Trinidad and Tobago captain marvellous Marvin Andrews tells Small Talk why praying isn’t cheating.”My name is Benjie and I’m addicted to fantasy football” - with a loud thud, Benjie Goodhart hits rock-bottom and finally admits he has a problem.There are many ways to describe the latest instalment of Football Weekly Extra, but somehow “Barry Glendenning impersonating Mr T” seems best.Whatever you do, don’t say that Middlesbrough are too good to get relegated, begs Harry Pearson.And in tomorrow’s %26#163;1.50 Big Paper: people in smart clothes get shouty about elections; Crouchigol teaches Mickey Rourke the robot; and enough glossy supplements to crush even the sturdiest coffee table.* * * * * * * * * * *NEWS IN BRIEFUefa has opened an official investigation into the tender caress suffered by Milan keeper Dida at the hands of a fan during their Big Cup defeat to the Queen’s Celtic. A disciplinary body will consult reports from the match delegate and referee Markus Merk just as soon as they finish lunch.Ajax coach Henk ten Cate is as bored with speculation linking him to Chelsea as the rest of us. “I don’t want to say more about the speculation,” he yawned.Owen Hargreaves could be back in training within 10 days after a successful injection on his tendon-twang. “It may be a bit less than four weeks,” och-ayed Lord Ferg under his breath, so Second-Choice Steve wouldn’t hear.Houston Dynamo and USA! USA! USA! midfielder Ricardo Clark has been banned for nine games after giving FC Dallas forward Carlos Ruiz a stunningly violent shoeing as he lay on the ground during the two sides’ game on Sunday. Clark has also been fined $10,000 over the incident.And Milan’s Kaka has been named Fifpro World Player of the Year, an award voted for by more than 45,000 professional footballers. England’s Brave John Terry and $tevie Mbe were the only two English players to make the Fifpro World XI, though the Premier League had further representatives in Cristiano Ronaldo and Didier Drogba.* * * * * * * * * *FIVER LETTERS”People who are foolish enough not only to believe that the Fiver, in its wisdom, confused Carl Weathers and Billy Dee Williams, but to also then write in to complain need to get out more. It’s called comedy” - Simon Brown. [Ummm ... - Fiver Ed.]“Re. Gilly and his pathetic inability to recognise that there might be similarities in appearance between two black people. There’s a difference between the phrase ‘those two look the same’ and ‘they ALL look the same’” - Nick Redman.”It must be my age - I don’t remember Indiana Jones, the pilot of the Millennium Falcon, being black” - Jonathan Martin.”Re. Carl Weathers/Billy Dee Williams. Just to clear up any confusion, which one of these actors played Blade?” - Matt Wilson.”I’m actually in San Francisco attending a stage-fighting workshop with Carl Weathers. I’ll ask him if he’s as offended by your ‘error’ as the collection of Star Wars geeks and pinko liberal types currently venting their spleen in your direction. Afterwards, I’m hoping we’re gonna get a stew goin’ on!” - Neil McI.”According to Phil Bowman (and five others), Oliver Daly (Fiver letters passim) plays for both teams? Isn’t that a bit of an ignorant and somewhat crass assumption, given that he clearly stated his affiliation to just one team?” - Jon Rice.”Can you help me with finding a fan-mail address for Lee Sharpe? There don’t appear to be any web pages. Many thanks for your help” - Jemma N.”I feel I must write in to congratulate the Fiver on yesterday’s edition. I actually laughed out loud several times, something which hasn’t happened for quite a while. So, sincere congratulations to the authors of the letters in question” - James E.”I have been enthralled by your recent section devoted to extracts from Tim Lovejoy’s new book. Is he still on TV and radio? Perhaps still hosting a football-related show? If only the Fiver came with it’s own TV and radio schedule, located towards the end of the tea-time email, interspersed with snippets from hilarious anecdotes” - Alastair Slaven.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.* * * * * * * * * *IT’S LOVEJOY! (A SERIES DEVOTED TO GEMS FROM TIM LOVEJOY’S NEW BOOK: LOVEJOY ON FOOTBALL)BBC1: Something for the Weekend (10am) “I have never been one of those people that wallows in nostalgia.Five: Fifth Gear (7.30pm) “The thing I get excited about is the here and now and the future.David Beckham’s Soccer USA (9pm) “When the season ends, for example, I count the days until the fixture list for the next season comes out and when the fixture list is released I count the days until the season starts.Sky Sports One: Soccer AM repeats (9am) “But when someone says, ‘Do you remember that League Cup tie four years ago?’Sky One: Tim Lovejoy and the Allstars (9pm) “I’m like ‘No, I’m really sorry but I don’t remember anything’.Deadwood (10pm) “So I’ve got a rotten memory. Does that make me a fraud?UK Gold: Lovejoy (7pm) “Does that make me a fake fan?Radio Five Live: 6-0-6 (6pm) “Of course not.”* * * * * * * * * * *MISPLACING YOUR GYM GEAR DOES NOT WARRANT A POLICE INVESTIGATION
Tags: ajax, boss, cars, cate, chelsea, euro 2008, europe, football club, football clubs, henk, indiana jones, instalment, john terry, lampard, owen hargreaves, pets, premier league, ten cate