IT’S time again for the annual Straights and Squares Mardi Gras.
Let’s spot some of the floats as they parade up the main street of
your suburb.
Women Who Prefer Big Bloomers This is a support
group for women who can’t see the point of wearing itty-bitty
undies. Their float shows them out and proud - each woman well
ensconced in a pair of comfortable, large-sized knickers. Says
spokeswoman Amanda: “We women are sick of our bums being
criss-crossed with barriers. It’s my arse, not the Middle East. I
don’t need it divided off into hostile sections. For too long the
question ‘What’s up your bum?’ has invited a ready response from
Australia’s women, ‘Me undies, that’s what.”‘ Amanda says she
couldn’t give a toss if someone spots her Visible Panty Line: “I
just think it’s time we opened the door and let our sensible undies
emerge from the closet.”
Married Men Demanding The Right To Dress
Themselves This float represents radical freedom fighters
from the world of married men. For 30 or 40 years, these men have
been vainly fighting for the right to wear what they like when they
leave the house. Says club president Sam Spirito: “I’ll be wearing
a pair of torn shorts and I’ll need to run down to the shops for
some milk. That’s when it starts: ‘Oh no,’ she says. ‘You’ll have
to change.’ Who does she think is going to see me down at Avalon
shops? The Queen? Cate Blanchett? The girls from Sass and Bide?”
Club secretary Dominic Fassbinder agrees: “For 10 years now I
haven’t been allowed to wear my favourite jacket - the tight silver
one - because my wife says it looks trashy. For me, marriage has
been like joining the priesthood: you get up at dawn, stop having
sex and are issued new, loose-fittings clothes by the authorities.
I just want my puffy jacket back.”
Baffled People Who Don’t Know Who Kate Ritchie
Is This is a support group for people who can’t
enter a newsagency without feeling they are part of a weird
minority. Says float organiser Tim Preston: “We’re marginalised,
simple as that. Just flipping through a magazine makes us feel as
if we don’t belong.” Tim shakes his head: “I mean, who is this Kate
Ritchie? Is she a tennis star or an actress from Home And
Away? Why are there two Minogues? Are they related? Who is this
Christina Aguilera and why does everyone want to see photographs of
her baby? Don’t people realise all babies look alike? If they’re
that keen, I’ll show them a photo of my own baby.” The float will
consist of club members sitting around reading something
decent.
Gay Men Who Can’t Dance It will be a busy
weekend for the Gay Men Who Can’t Dance, the only float being
entered in both the Oxford Street parade and its suburban offshoot.
“We feel doubly oppressed,” says float organiser Adrian
“Two-Left-Feet” Adriani. “If a straight man can’t dance, everyone
thinks it’s cute but with a gay man there’s no tolerance. Just
cruel, high-pitched laughter.” Adrian’s partner, Dave, agrees.
Limping slightly from a badly bruised foot, he says the group wants
to reach out to others oppressed by stereotypes. “Already,” he
says, “we’ve had meetings with the Italian Mammas Who Can’t Cook
and the Indian Dads Who Don’t Care If Their Sons Aren’t Doctors.
Tentative feelers are also being put out to the Aussie Blokes Who
Just Can’t Abide The Taste Of Beer. The float will consist of 25
gorgeous gay men, all of them dancing like drunk labradors.
People Who Find Gourmet Traveller Pretty
Funny “It’s hard to get a reliable source of comedy these
days,” says float organiser Katie Jones, “but really you can’t go
past Gourmet Traveller. Only last week they featured a
bottle of balsamic vinegar which cost $69 and some olive oil for
$93.50. I haven’t laughed so much in years. I don’t know how those
sorts of magazines do it - issue after issue. Stainless steel
colanders for $279? Ha! I know it’s wrong to laugh at minorities
but Sydney’s style-setters are just so hilarious.” The float will
feature a group of tightwad men and women joyously using multiple
sets of plastic kitchen-wear.
The Tracky-Dak Liberation League Some people
choose their clothes to suit the weather. Others choose according
to which garment is still lying in a limp puddle by the bed, having
been kicked off the night before. “We’re sick of the hostile looks
and the snide comments,” says organiser Fiona Sod. “The tracky dak
can be used for exercise but also - with its forgiving elasticised
waist - can just as easily disguise a complete lack of exercise.
It’s the perfect garment. The only downside: that time, every
fortnight or two, when I finally have to take mine off for
washing.”
And, finally:
The Wollongong Council Workers And Developers
Float Here is the real riposte to the Gay Mardi Gras - a
mutual support group that celebrates flagrant and almost constant
heterosexuality. As is traditional, the Wollongong float will
feature a large and inappropriate beachside erection.
Tags:
actress,
cate,
cate blanchett,
christina,
ford,
spokeswoman
Related posts
