Findcate

Blackburn Rovers are ready to fly to Euro 2008 for talks with old boy and BBC pundit Alan Shearer about becoming their next boss.

Chairman John Williams has established that the former Rovers legend and title winner is keen to discuss the vacancy and start his managerial career at Ewood Park.

Williams and his board will put Shearer’s name on their list today.

Rovers need to know his plans and Shearer has to find out about what budget he is going to work with - and whether they are selling stars like Roque Santa Cruz and David Bentley in the post-Mark Hughes fall-out.

Shearer’s appointment would be experimental but his standing in the game is huge and his knowledge excellent.

He would bring veteran coach Tommy Craig with him and probably old pal Mike Newell.

Dutchman Henk Ten Cate is ready to fly back from a holiday to speak to them about the vacancy before giving Panathinaikos an answer on their boss offer.

Sam Allardyce is hopeful of getting an interview, while Paul Ince has told Leicester he will give them an answer on their offer tomorrow but is also optimistic he will speak to Rovers first.

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At the same time, a similar scene was being played out a couple of hundred miles away from Fiversville in the Sandon pub in Liverpool, where Thomas Hicks the Second - confusingly named because many Anfield regulars consider his father to be a number two - was getting soaked in booze for having the audacity to purchase a pint. The message was clear - get out of our club - though whether it was totally necessary to deliver said message via the medium of hops, malt and water is a moot point, given the entire clientele of the Sandon were chanting “get out of our club” at the time. However, unlike the Fiver, Hicks and his dad are unwilling to react to a glass of pop in the face by bursting into tears, turning tail and hiding behind the bins round the corner before sucking their bespoke tailoring dry.”Reports that I am about to sell my stake in the Liverpool Football Club, or to invite Dubai International Capital to examine the club’s books in preparation for such a sale - like other such reports planted in the UK press in recent weeks by parties with their own self-interested agenda - are absolutely and categorically false,” announced Thomas Jr’s daddy this afternoon, who clearly does not agree with co-owner George Gillett IIIIIIIIIIIIII that it would be best to trouser a quick profit and eff off. “The reality is that I am personally, professionally and financially committed to the club and its supporters and that I will continue to honour that commitment to the best of my ability now and in the future.” The announcement will bitterly disappoint Liverpool fans, many of whom have their heart set on DIC taking over - though what will realistically be achieved by swapping one set of soulless capitalists for another is anybody’s guess. The only benefit the Fiver can see is that the folk from Dubai are much less likely to clutter up the bar in the Sandon, but that’s it.*********************QUOTE OF THE DAY”Sometimes I cringe at the way football has gone here with the young players. They don’t have to clean boots any more, they drive BMWs, they get an easy life. I’d love to go back to the days of more respect and a kid going out and doing double training sessions. That’s what got me where I am” - Chelsea hard-luck story Frank Lampard didn’t get where he is today by signing a %26#163;1m-a-year deal at the age of 20, splashing his cash on an Aston Martin DB9 and - in a 1999 ‘Week With Frank Lampard’ article in Lahn’s Lahn E’n'n Stannah - revealing his weekly routine, which included a grand total of five training sessions.*********************BOSS HOGWhen Cesc F醔regas told World Soccer Magazine last summer that “[England's Brave] John Terry is the boss of the Chelsea side in all ways”, the Fiver had assumed the Spaniard was simply referring to the inspirational nature of EBJT’s brave, English on-pitch captaincy. But after Sunday’s Littlewoods Anglo Vase final, we’re beginning to suspect his words were intended in a more literal sense. Not content with assuming command of extra-time team-talk responsibilities from Avram Grant during the Wembley jamboree, EBJT emerged this morning to tell the nation’s crack newshounds (and the Fiver) how he’d single-handedly rallied the troops in the aftermath.”The last thing the players wanted to hear was my voice telling them that we needed to pick ourselves up,” parped EBJT astutely, before going on to explain that he had made them listen to it anyway. “I said we can do one of two things: dwell on today and end up getting knocked out of another competition or take this defeat on the chin, pick ourselves up and go again,” he continued, as Grant pondered which chin specifically he was referring to.The good news for EBJT, if he does want to continue taking charge of affairs at Chelsea, is that reports this morning suggesting he had been involved in some sort of tiff with Grant’s assistant Henk ten Cate before the final have categorically been deni … sorry, played dow … OK, quietly ignored by Chelsea’s press office. “All our focus is on our next game,” wibbled a spokesperson this afternoon in response to claims from a Super Soaraway source that EBJT and Ten Cate were “right in each other’s faces” at training on Saturday. Whatever did or didn’t happen at the session in question, the Fiver doesn’t need an eyewitness to tell us that Chelsea need to put the last week behind them fast.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLAfter being dropped for Tottenham’s Rumbelows Cup victory, Jamie O’Hara’s quivering lower-lip and protruding snot-bubble will make their way to Anfield where being dropped is a way of life.Scouts from Fulham and Arsenal are getting their toggles in a twist over Elche’s 26-year-old goalkeeper Wilfredo Caballero.And Tony Soprano’s pudgy features could soon be peeking out from the under the brow of a cap adorned with the word Feyenoord. *********************NEWS IN BRIEF (FOOTBALLERS BEHAVING BADLY [ALLEGEDLY - FIVER LAWYERS] SPECIAL)Central Coast Mariners pair Andre Gumprecht and Tony Vidmar face disciplinary action following a flamin’ club party. Gumprecht attended the ‘Mad Monday’ celebration dressed as Adolf H1tler, while Vidmar blackened his face and turned up as God. “Such behaviour is not only stupid, but is also not tolerated by the FFA,” fumed Football Federation Australia chief suit Ben Buckley.Speedy Newcastle winger Damien Duff has been banned from driving for 42 days after overtaking a police car at 101.2mph on the A19 in Northumberland last August.Dutch FA suits have banned Excelsior midfielder Sebastian Pardo for four matches after he head-butted Willem II’s Christophe Gré–“oire during a game last weekend.Andy ‘Andrew’ Cole has been bailed by Cheshire police, pending further inquiries, after being arrested and questioned in relation to an alleged assault on his wife.Seven current or former FC Thun players are to stand trial in Switzerland on charges of $exual activity with a 15-year-old.And Jé–žé–™ie Aliadié‘¢e has been given a four-match ban after his appeal against the red card he received during Boro’s defeat at Liverpool was laughed out of an FA hearing. “The commission decided that the claim was frivolous,” sniffed an FA suit, haughtily.*********************WANT TO CATCH UP ON ALL THE LATEST GUARDIAN FOOTBALL NEWS AT WORK, BUT UNABLE TO ACCESS THE INTERWEB AND TOO TIGHT TO BUY BIG PAPER?Spinboxer is a unique free service dedicated to sending, direct to your inbox, full articles on the English Premier League, some SPL and Continental news, and match reports on your chosen Premier League and international sides from Ireland and the UK.*********************STILL WANT MORE?Croatia might not be a one-man team, admits Jonathan Wilson, but Eduardo’s injury has seriously harmed their Euro 2008 chances.While hapless egg-chasers Les Bleus were caving in to England last weekend, Ligue 1’s footballers were doing a much better job of showing some fight, reports Ben Lyttleton.The Fiver’s avocado-guzzling cousin the Spin dons its best pathologist’s outfit to conduct a postmortem on England’s one-day woes in New Zealand.And in tomorrow’s all-singing, all-dancing, award-winning %26#163;0.80 Berliner Big Paper: proper journalist David Conn on why Game 39 could prove a new dawn for the FA; Mike Selvey weighs up England’s options for their Test opener against New Zealand; and the much-anticipated Sudoku No872.*********************WIN! WIN! WIN!Fancy tickets to Man Utd’s Big Cup clash with Lyon next week? Or Chelsea’s second leg against Olympiakos? No? Then don’t read on. If you do, the kind people at Ford are offering you the chance to win tickets to the game of your choice by answering a ludicrously simple question.And we’ve also teamed up with/got an email from top replica kit company TOFFS to give away vintage kits for your five-a-side team. To be in with a chance of getting to run around in comical black-and-white Pathe News fashion, all you need to do is click here and answer a ridiculously easy question.*********************FIVER LETTERS”Re. Gareth Evans (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Can I be the first of the 1,057 to say that I have no problem getting my Blackberry-based daily dollop of tea-time nonsense in its full uncut format. How do I sign up for the truncated version?” - Simon Richardson (and 1,056 others).”Does owning a Blackberry suddenly mean that you lose the intelligence to actually turn on a computer to read the larger emails? Oops, this section has probably been truncated. Will Gareth Evans ever know if his letter was printed?” - Chris Ambridge.”Can I be the first of the ordinary people to point out that anything that annoys those smug gits with Blackberries has got to be a good thing?” - Matt Shelton.”Is the theft of a load of diamonds from a shop in Los Angeles while the owners were hosting a party for the Oscars a sign that Scouse burglars are going global?” - Richard Martin.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.*********************BULL IS ALL GOOD AND WELL, BUT WHY HASN’T THE FIVER BEEN SHORTLISTED? IT’S ONLY NINE YEARS OLD!

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What the hell’s up with him? The Fiver can only surmise that he’s making patriotic hay while the sun shines. For tomorrow the national football team play world champions Italy at Hampden, and a win will guarantee qualification for Euro 2008 - though it might as well guarantee the moon on a stick, because we all know what’s going to happen. Still, not everyone is as mentally disturb … hold on … not everyone is as pessimistic as Shortbread. “It’s our intention to go the final step,” smiled Alex McLeish today. “We’re at home in Glasgow and we have to make the Italians feel they’re away from home,” added the Scotland boss, whose relaxed manner would surely have settled Shortbread’s nerves, were Shortbread not playing a medley of Runrig’s greatest hits on chanter while attempting a soft-shoe shuffle around two sharp claymores.So who’s going to put this pressure on the Italians? Kenny Miller? James McFadden? Kenny Miller and James McFadden? “It’s not my policy to reveal the starting line-up,” shrugged McLeish, as an in-shock Shortbread tried to affix three severed toes back on to his foot, “but I’m sure later on in the day or tomorrow morning the newspapers will have a probable team.” McLeish has got that damn straight, because the folk over at Big Paper know someone who knows someone who’s seen McLeish’s starting XI, and word is that jinking genius McFadden will plough a lone furrow up front. Meanwhile as a manic Shortbread was carted away in the Special Bus to the Special Hospital, his Italian cousin Bespoke Tailoring Expensive Shoes Moped Pizza Smouldering Good Looks Fiver was kicking back, sipping a small glass of grappa in an insouciant fashion. He knows. He just knows. Let’s face it, we all know. Poor Shortbread!* * * * * * * * * * * *QUOTE OF THE DAY”I haven’t got a bad word to say about Martin Jol. I loved working with him, and we got on really well. Unfortunately we are in a results-driven business” - Robbie Keane sticks the boot in to his fun-but-useless former Tottenham manager Tony Soprano.*********************THIRD WORLD WARThe Fiver enjoys a parlour game or none when it’s gathered round the family hearth. Scrabble, Pin The Tail On Juliano Belletti, Tearful Drunken Fight With Your Father Who Never Appreciated You - they’re all crackers. But best of all is that game where you change one of the words in a film’s title to make a gigglesome joke. So Star Wars becomes - tee-hee! - Fart Wars, and Honey I Shrunk The Kids becomes something very bad indeed.The same logic could be applied to today’s placatory quotes from Slaven Bilic about the England team. Simply add the words “especially if you’re England” to the end of each sentence and suddenly it makes sense.”It is not easy to play in Russia. It is not easy to play Macedonia. And it’s very difficult to play in Tel Aviv,” he said today (this sentence doesn’t count, pedant). “So maybe [England] were expecting to cruise the group, but it’s a very difficult group.”While Slaven was giving Second-Choice Steve the benefit of the doubt, England’s World Cup-winning full-back George Cohen was busy putting the boot in. “I find it upsetting when I watch this England team. Look at the sides we play - some of them are genuine third-world countries,” said Cohen, safe in the knowledge that the humble yam farmers of Andorra [GDP per capita $38,800] would never get wind of his ill-informed comments. “I can’t imagine anything less passionate than the way we play now.”England’s hosts tonight - as long as they can manage to get a few car batteries together to power their floodlights - will be the subsistence farmers of Austria. But it’s tomorrow’s games involving Russia, Israel and Croatia that England really need to watch out for, because if results don’t go their way, they’re heading for a very long summer of rubbish parlour games.What with it being Friday night and this match being completely meaningless, don’t bother following Austria v England as it happens with Scott Murray, but go out meet some new people and have a few drinks instead.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLVillarreal’s Juan Roman Riquelme is off to Spurs, after picking up subtle signals from his current club that suggest his long-term future might lie elsewhere. “The people at the club keep saying I am not needed,” he harrumphed.The West Ham chequebook is at this very moment down the gym pounding the treadmill as it prepares for an almighty January flexing. Giles Barnes and Nicky Shorey will both sign, while Nigel Quashie will remind the world that he does still exist by moving somewhere else for a nominal fee.Ronaldinho might be coming to Chelsea, but then again he might not. Don’t ask Henk ten Cate, former Barcelona assistant manager and current holder of that very same post at Stamford Bridge, because he doesn’t know anything about it. “I don’t know anything about it, ” he said, or words to that effect.* * * * * * * * * *STILL WANT MORE?Simon Burnton examines the big black cloud currently hovering over Oldham’s Boundary Park.Seconds out for a six-minute-and-30-second round of audio chat between Big Paper scribe Simon Hattenstone and Ricky Hatton.From the 90-year-old rugby star to the Norwegian playing third division football at 60, The Joy of Six: elderly sportsmen looks at athletes who’ve stuck two fingers up at Father Time.Liverpool and Israeli legend Ronny Rosenthal goes toe-to-toe with Small Talk to explain that miss against Aston Villa, why a lion would win a fight with a tiger, and why his country can help England reach Euro 2008.What’s that coming over the hill? It’s James Richardson and the Football Weekly crew, droning about Scotland and England and Israel and Spain and other stuff.Sweat onions and leeks in butter with Big Paper chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall as he shows you how to whip up a wholesome, nutritious and downright tasty smoked pollack chowder.And in tomorrow’s %26#163;1.50 Big Paper: telly-watching misanthrope Charlie Brooker hands down his verdict on the week’s TV, more pre-Israel v Russia straw-clutching in Sport, and enough supplements, inserts and pull-outs to clutter up most modestly-sized living rooms.* * * * * * * * * * *NEWS IN BRIEFBenfica midfielder Augustin Binya has been handed a six-match ban for his slightly over-enthusiastic tackle on Queen’s Celtic midfielder Scott Brown during the two sides’ Big Cup clash at Parkhead.The FAI has denied making overtures to Paul Jewell or anyone else in a bid to find somebody who knows what they are doing to manage the Republic of Ireland football team. “Will ya g’wan outta dat ya feckin’ hoor ya! No approach has been made by the FAI to any potential manager,” insisted a spokesman.The Sheilaroos have said “fair dinkum” to Everton’s request that Tim Cahill should sit out his country’s international friendly against Nigeria at Craven Cottage next week.And in news that is bound to generate no end of chat around office water-coolers the length and breadth of the UK, Reading’s Icelandic international Ivar Ingimarsson has announced his retirement from international football.* * * * * * * * * *FIVER LETTERS”Re: the BBC apologising for EastEnders dialogue. Liverpool fans under attack from fictional c0ckneys? Will their suffering never cease?” - Jim Adamson.”EastEnders was seen by 12 million people who always thought ‘them Scousers’ were to blame all along and the BBC see fit to perpetuate this myth yet again. Revenge for the ‘Justice Day’ hijacking of the FA Cup tie against Arsenal earlier in the year? There was also an insinuation that fences went up BECAUSE of Heysel. This is untrue, but of course, this just makes me look like a stereotypical, self-pitying Scouser, doesn’t it? I wonder if you thought that about the thousands of Italian fans who turned up for Gabriele Sandri’s funeral? Were they self-pitying football supporters too?” - Behn Graham.”Continuing the Ultravox theme (Wednesday’s Fiver), were the guests at Steve Rider’s party (yesterday’s Fiver) dancing with tears in their eyes?” - Phil Taylor.”Did you mean Park Drive cigarettes in yesterday’s Bernard Cribbins story? I believe the Monopoly-related smokes were called Mayfair” - Geoff Coxon.”Re: $tevie Mbe. With such an inflated superiority complex and propensity for despot-like mood swings, a dollar sign in his first name and a surname that looks and pronounces like a stereotypical African one, I was beginning to wonder if the Fiver’s writers had cottoned onto something we don’t yet know about the whereabouts of the ‘late’ Emperor Bokassa” - Russell Yong.”Darren Boyle’s reference to Fiver-saving lift devices suggests it’s a good thing Big Paper hasn’t outsourced Fiver Towers’ high quality work to China yet” - Paul Jurdeczka.”I was interested to see that one of the more creative readers of the Guardian football site has turned Chelsea’s Israeli manager, Avram Grant, into Enid Blyton’s Noddy in this week’s Gallery. I’d like to point out that in Grant’s mother tongue (Hebrew that is) the word ‘noddy’ means ‘my fart’. Just thought you’d like to know that” - David Graniewitz.”Before the transfer saga even begins for James McFadden, he should just accept that his football career has never really taken off and go back to concentrating on his singing career. Travis haven’t had a decent album in years” - Se醤 Cassidy.”Re: Paul Jewell being linked with the Republic of O’Ireland job. After leading Plucky Little Wigan, will Paul be needing the Pluck of the Irish when he takes the helm?” - Rob Rayburn.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.* * * * * * * * * * *DON’T WORRY PAOLO - YOU MIGHT GET A BETTER RESULT AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY

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“John Terry deserves his money, he is a leader and did a lot for this club during a difficult time earlier this season. He is worth every penny.” Grant said. “He [Sutcliffe] did not choose the right person and he did not choose the right issue. I don’t know why these people talk about footballers, why not tennis or NBA players? They earn a lot of money too. And what about singers, nobody talks about them. They get more money for one hour than footballers get for one year.”The government doesn’t need to know about John Terry because they do not pay his wages, we do. They should instead take care of the weakest people in society and, if they need help, I will help them.”Asked if he thought his currently injured captain could head the country’s government, Grant added: “Yes, I think he could do it - but I hope that he will not speak about players.”Eriksson, who with England was one of the highest paid managers in the world, defended the wages of all players. He said: “This question has been asked for about 25 years since I came into professional football. I think you have to see a footballer today like an artist, someone who can move you with their performance. Football is the biggest sport in the world and I think it is only fair that players earn good money as they are finished by the time they are 35.”The Swede also downplayed the possibility of a salary cap being introduced across the professional game. He said: “It might happen in the future, I do not know. But as long as the owners are willing to buy the best players in the world to try and win trophies it will be very difficult.”Grant has dismissed reports that Chelsea’s new Dutch assistant coach, Henk ten Cate, has upset some of the club’s first- team players because of his brash coaching manner. The Israeli said: “Henk and Steve Clarke [fellow assistant manager] are doing a very good job and are passing messages on to the players in the best way they can. It is good for them, good for the team and good for our football in the future. They are doing very well.”The only one who decides if my coaches are good or bad is me, not the others. I have my own targets.”One of them, away from football, may be listening to the Beatles on a regular basis. He said this week that they are his favourite group, although he performed My Way by Frank Sinatra as his inauguration song on joining Chelsea in the summer.Croatia’s coach, Slaven Bilic, has announced his 24-man squad for the Euro 2008 qualifier against England.Hajduk Split’s Nikola Kalinic, Croatia’s top league scorer with 11 goals, has been brought in and is expected to win his first cap because of injuries to the Parma striker Igor Budan and Dinamo Zagreb’s Bosko Balaban. Bilic has his captain, Niko Kovac, fit again after injury.Croatia face Macedonia on November 17 before the match at Wembley four days later. A win in Skopje would book their place in next year’s finals. Croatia currently top Group E with 26 points.”We have two very tough away games ahead. We wanted to secure a berth at the Euro 2008 before these games but it was not meant to be,” Bilic said. “I hope our determination and strength to reach the final stage will prevail.”

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The club admitted that Drogba’s absence was a result of an interview with France Football magazine in which he described Chelsea as “broken” after the departure of Jose Mourinho. “Given what has happened, it would have proved a distraction for a positive story,” an official said. The 29-year-old Ivorian subsequently issued a statement saying he regretted his comments - which included an attack on Chelsea’s owner, Roman Abramovich, for getting rid of Mourinho - but he gave no guarantee that he would still be at Stamford Bridge next year.He said: “On reflection, I regret making the comments I made in a recent interview public at this time. I am a Chelsea player and will be 100% committed and supportive to my manager, my team-mates and the club. I will not be discussing my future any further until I meet privately with the club at the end of the season.” He had told France Football that he would like to play in Italy or Spain for Milan, Inter, Barcelona or Real Madrid. Chelsea’s manager, Avram Grant, said Drogba’s outburst was “internal business” and he would talk to the striker privately. He added that he had a “happy” relationship with the Ivorian and that there were no problems in the Stamford Bridge dressing room. He said: “I know that this is not the first time he [Drogba] has said it, but I have not seen him yet. It is internal business. I cannot tell you anything until I speak with him. I don’t like to speak about players in the papers, I like it to discuss it with them.”I have read many things that were not true, because I was in the dressing room. This attitude has brought us good results in a very difficult time. I am very happy with the attitude of the players until now and I am sure that it will continue.” Those players have now started working with Henk ten Cate, who moved to Chelsea as assistant manager alongside Steve Clarke from Ajax, where he had been head coach. Grant claimed the Dutchman would improve the quality of Chelsea’s football. “Our vision is to play efficiently but with style,” he said. “We know our vision but need the people who can do it, and Henk can. I think the football is going to be entertaining as well as winning.”Ten Cate will be in the visitors’ dugout when Chelsea visit Middlesbrough today, a fixture which the then Premier League champions lost 2-1 last season. “It is not easy to play there,” admitted Grant. “Last year we lost and they always seem to give us a difficult game.”Grant did not confirm whether Drogba would start the match, but in any case his side must cope without John Terry or Ashley Cole, who both picked up injuries while on international duty with England. The Israeli refused to countenance excuses based on the injury list for any slip-up at the Riverside today. Chelsea are seventh in the league, seven points behind the leaders, Arsenal, having played a game more, and can ill afford any more setbacks.”We have a big squad and we need to handle these injuries,” said Grant. “The players need to come on to the pitch and show they have character.”The Israeli backed his predecessor to make a successful England manager should Mourinho replace Steve McClaren after the international team’s 2-1 defeat in Moscow on Wednesday left qualification for Euro 2008 out of their hands. “Yes, he [Mourinho] is a very good manager,” Grant said in response to a question about the Portuguese’s suitability as an international coach. He also had words of support for Frank Lampard, who has endured another difficult time with England. He was booed by home supporters at Wembley after coming on as a substitute against Estonia last Saturday and was part of the team beaten in Russia this week.”Frank is a strong character and he wants to play for England,” said Grant. “I want him to play for England because he deserves it.”

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“We have a project to reshape Russian football by 2014, with the 2010 World Cup as the first phase,” said Hiddink. “Given Abramovich’s long-term commitment and vision, it seems very unlikely that he would try to disrupt that process.”Hiddink also said that any meetings with Abramovich - who contributes towards his salary as national manager - had nothing to do with the Chelsea job. “Since people continually associate me with Roman Abramovich, I thought it would be a good idea to explain a little bit about our relationship,” he said. “I have met him five times: four times in London and once at the PSV [Eindhoven] training complex. As for all those stories about me being a candidate for the Chelsea job, we never discussed it. I know that you can never say never in football, but that option would not have made sense.”Hiddink, whose Russia side face England in a vital Euro 2008 qualifier in Moscow next week, believes the Chelsea shake-up of recent weeks is part of Abramovich’s desire to see his side play attractive football. “At Chelsea, Abramovich has invested a lot of money in players and not so much in longer-term development,” he added. “And you need to be able to show the world that with the players that they have, you can get results, but that you can also play attractive football. I think he felt that the latter was missing.”Meanwhile, Michael Ballack has admitted that he hopes to stay at Chelsea for the rest of his career. Ballack has struggled to make an impact at Stamford Bridge since arriving from Bayern Munich and is currently sidelined with an ankle injury which has kept him out of action since April.But he insists he wants to remain at the club beyond the expiry of his current contract in 2009. “I feel very happy here and would like to end my career here,” he said. “Although I want to end my career at Chelsea, if I am still fit when my contract runs out, why should I not play on for another two years?”Chelsea are also on the brink of reaching an agreement with Henk ten Cate to join their coaching staff. Ten Cate quit his post at Ajax earlier this week after Chelsea agreed a compensation figure with the Dutch club for his services. Chelsea now expect to finalise the deal within the next 24 hours in order for Ten Cate to take up his role under head coach Avram Grant and alongside assistant Steve Clarke. A statement on Chelsea’s official website read: “Chelsea have reached agreement with Ajax for the release of Henk ten Cate. We expect to finalise his contract with Chelsea in the next 24 hours as assistant first-team coach.”

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• Chelsea confirm Ten Cate deal

COMRADE5! DO NOT FEAR! Your club is in safe hands! Australia’s rugby players will finally free themselves from the yoke of their colonial masters! It is quite normal to go three years without touching a member of the opposite gender! Hmm, seems to be pretty accurate so far. Guus Hiddink will not be the next Chelsea manager! Woah! There might be a problem here, check out this news coming from Rupert Murdoch’s very own propaganda machine, Sky Sports News: “Breaking news: Ajax have reached an agreement with Chelsea over the transfer of coach Henk ten Cate to Stamford Bridge, where he will work alongside Steve Clarke as assistant to Avram Grant.”There were rumours circulating last week, you see, that Chelsea’s sporting director, Frank Arnesen, was planning to bring in Ten Cate and that Hiddink would follow as manager shortly afterwards. Today’s events - despite Grant’s insistence that Ten Cate’s arrival has his blessing - give credence to those whispers.[Fiver hits propaganda machine with oversized comedy spanner and adjusts various manifold overhead sprockets]Let’s see if we can’t get this thing working properly. COMRADE5! DO NOT FEAR! Repeating riffs is the secret of comedy, it is not a hasty way of dealing with late-breaking stories! We all have one of those hidden under our bed! Yup, working again. Ten Cate is coaching his clogs off this season! Gah! The machine’s still flipped! Ajax have been dumped out of Euro Vase and at the weekend their fans chanted “Henkie, get lost” as his team struggled to a 2-2 draw with Sparta Rotterdam.[Fiver gives propaganda machine almighty whack with the only oversized tool it can boast]Right, one last go. COMRADE5! DO NOT FEAR! Frank Lampard will put the agitator Gareth Barry in his place and pepper the Russian goal with shots next Wednesday! England will not use the plastic pitch as an excuse!Bah!* * * * * * * * * * * *QUOTE OF THE DAY”He used to have a nickname for his ‘thing’. He wasn’t very modest and always called it ‘The Hulk’. It was quite distinctive because he has a strange skin pigmentation down there, which means it’s the colours of Neapolitan ice cream” - Jermain Defoe might not appreciate kiss-and-tell merchant Rachel Cameron’s attention to detail, but it’s certainly made the Fiver feel less self-conscious about its maple flavoured cone with real walnut pieces.*********************’KARMA TODAY’ with ENGLAND’S MICHAEL OWENMichael Owen - or to give him his full given name, England’s Michael Owen - loves playing for his country. So much so that he left his beloved Liverpool with a tear in his eye and a bag of coins in his grip, and trundled off on his little wheel-shaped legs to better himself in Madrid. “Bye bye, England’s,” grinned Rafa Benitez as Owen trundled into the horizon, “and eff off! Now we can build a lop-sided team which doesn’t function properly around another over-rated local hero instead.” But things didn’t go well for England’s in Madrid, as he didn’t bother learning to speak the langua … hold on … didn’t get many games. So with his England place in mind, he drove himself back towards Liverpool - whereupon he got blocked off from the slip road for the M62 by a fat lummox in a flash car who shunted him all the way to Newcastle.Sadly, having gone to such lengths to take great care of himself, England’s then got knee-knack. Wrapping himself in cotton wool and snuggling up in a box in a cupboard under the stairs in the Newcastle treatment room, England’s spent the next few months dreaming of the Big Cup he could have won at Liverpool, the matches he could have played in Spain deputising for the subsequently injured Raul and Ronaldo, and the fact that the fruits of his self-centred career choices over the past few years pretty much define “karma” in a nutshell. And lo, his knee repaired in time for the 2006 World Cup - from which he crawled home on all fours.All of which is, even for the Fiver, a particularly convoluted way of making a simple point: that you’d think the daft get would have learned to simmer down and take life as it comes. But no. Because after coming on as a sub and scoring the decisive goal in Newcastle’s 47-46 victory over Everton yesterday, it seems England’s wants to play in, er, England’s Euro 2008 non-qualification double header against Estonia this Saturday and Russia the following Wednesday. And this despite strong suggestions that to thrash himself too hard after a quick return from hernia-twang might be daft $oddery of the highest order.”I don’t know whether two games in such a short space of time is right,” warned his boss. “I have to be very protective - that’s why I didn’t start him. He’s got to be eased back into it.” But England’s is not listening to Sam Allardyce at all. “I’m fine,” insists England’s. “It’s feeling good and I’m available for both teams,” he added, perhaps failing to realise that having played a total of 3.10473 games for Newcastle since they rescued him from his Madrid Hell, he might owe one team a wee bit more consideration than the other. “I think coming back in eight days to play for my club shows a bit of determination.” To play for England, yes it sure does. So if his internal tissues start shredding like confetti after seven minutes of the Estonia match, that’ll be another dictionary rewrite required - this time of the words “buffoon” and “myopic” - right there and then.*********************IT’S LOVEJOY! (A SERIES DEVOTED TO GEMS FROM TIM LOVEJOY’S NEW BOOK: LOVEJOY ON FOOTBALL)”Who cares if you only got into football after Euro 96? Who cares if you only supported [MU Rowdies] because they had David Beckham? Who cares if you don’t know who won the World Cup in 1938? It doesn’t matter. What does matter is at least you finally found football. At least you have been born again.” Continues tomorrow, a day for which we cannot wait.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLThe cut of Sporting Lisbon left-back/centre-back/midfielder Miguel Veloso’s jib is currently being admired by staff at the MU Rowdies, Arsenal and Liverpool.Martin O’Neill has a bag containing %26#163;10m in readies and will give it to Liverpool if they let him keep Scott Carson for ever and ever.St Etienne attacking midfielder Pascal Feindouno might decide to leave the Sarah Cracknell-fronted indie-pop darlings when he hears Rafa Benitez wants to bring him to Anfield.And if Roy Keane has his way, Rowdies loanee Ryan Shawcross will swap the red-and-white stripes of Stoke for those of Sunderland.* * * * * * * * * * *STILL WANT MORE?That scratching sound you can hear is David Pleat writing “Sunderland’s advanced full-backs and wingers gave the Gunners a scare” on his trusty chalkboard.Sick of people telling you not to pick your nose? Pick the Score instead.There was lots of football played in Spain over the weekend, which is a good thing for Sid Lowe, as he’d have nothing to write about otherwise.And there was lots of football played in Germany over the weekend, which is a good thing for Raphael Honigstein, as he’d et cetera, and so on, and so forth.And in tomorrow’s %26#163;0.80 Big Paper: Frank Keating returns; Steve Claridge casts his scouting eye over an 18-year-old from the New Den; and Ron Cox delivers his tip of the day.* * * * * * * * * * *NEWS IN BRIEFPeter Taylor has become the latest manager to be sacked by tikka-tinged and painfully shy Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan. “Crystal Palace announce that Peter Taylor’s contract has been terminated with immediate effect,” quipped a statement on the club’s website.Uefa has opened disciplinary proceedings against Milan and their Brazilian chea … sorry, goalkeeper Dida, who was stretchered off after being gently caressed by a Queen’s Celtic fan during his side’s Big Cup defeat last week.Wigan chairman Dave Whelan has demanded the return of about %26#163;293,000 he claims some footpads, trading under the name Greater Manchester police, overcharged him for policing matches during the 2003-04 and 2004-05 seasons. Chief Constable Michael Todd, Greater Manchester police’s, er, chief constable, told the high court the charges were reasonable and entirely lawful. And he should know, it’s not as though the police ever do anything wrong.Coventry City have announced that catchily-named American consortium Manhattan Sports Capital Partners Limited have withdrawn their interest in taking over the club.Dinamo Kyiv boss Josef Sabo has blamed his players’ Wags for poor team performances this season and ordered the squad to a training camp away from any distractions. “We went to the [training] base, because women in football are a scourge,” he explained, skating adroitly around any charges of rank misogyny, before losing his balance and falling spectacularly backwards into them. “They do not understand that men need to work, that they have a hard job to do.”Fifa is to review the %26#163;3.3m pay-off given to its former general secretary, Urs Linsi. President Sepp Blatter is reported to be angered by the amount because football’s governing body had renewed Linsi’s contract only months before his departure.Wales’s non-existent hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 have been dealt a mild tap with the handle-end of a heavy screwdriver now that hip-knack has ruled Wolves goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey out of their qualifying games against Cyprus and San Marino.And the DVLA expects ‘WE57 HAM’ to fetch a near-record price for poncy personalised number plates when it is auctioned later this month. With a reserve price of %26#163;4,000, it will need to top the %26#163;36,000 that someone paid for ‘AR53 NAL’ in 2004.* * * * * * * * * *FIVER LETTERS”Re. an address for Lee Sharpe fan mail (Friday’s Fiver letters). I’m not sure where Jemma will find Lee’s web page, but she might find Lee himself in the VIP section of the Palace disco in Manchester, where he spent most of his ‘playing days’ at the MU Rowdies” - Anthony Hassall.”BBC 6-0-6 was already bad, but I didn’t think they’d stoop so low as to lift straight from The Fiver. See for yourselves” - Damien Neva.”Re. Carl Weathers/Billy Dee Williams/Blade (Fivers passim). So who was the black guy in the A-Team?” - Paul Bockett-Pugh.”The sort-of return of TV %26 Radio (Friday’s Fiver) brought back fond memories, but left some unanswered questions: What time does Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy start? And can you get it as a podcast these days?” - Chris Bond. [Gilroy no longer presents Off the Ball since being 'promoted' to Newstalk 106FM's breakfast show. On his occasional visits to London he drinks in the Hawley Arms, the Camden local of fellow celebrities Amy Winehouse, Peaches Geldof, Johnny Borrell and Noel Fielding. Gilroy's changed - Media In-Joke Ed.]“Re. the sort-of return of TV and radio. Gentlemen, please don’t toy with my emotions. If a girl who broke my heart six months ago suddenly called one day just to have a chat, I’d expect her to keep calling. Or else I’d say she’s a selfish cow who’s messing with my head” - Chris Giles.”I can see that 20 Benson %26 Hedges (Friday’s England squad) causing problems for the opposition: heart attacks, lung cancer, strokes, bronchitis, emphysema, leukaemia, cataracts, pneumonia, cancers of the cervix, kidney, pancreas and stomach, blocked blood vessels, impotency and blindness” - Richard Cassar, from atop his high horse.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.* * * * * * * * * * *’YORK, ORIGINALLY’

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Still, the producers of The Unexpected Guest must have sympathy with Second-Choice Steve, who has also included tarnished goods in the squad for his latest showstopper, That Crucial Double-Header Against Estonia and Russia (Who Play On A Plastic Pitch, The Cheats!). Now, Lil’ Mickey Owen was in superb form until he got stomach and groin knack, but despite fears over his fitness Second-Choice has named the striker in the squad. “[Lil' Mick] says he is flying, feeling very, very good. If [Lil' Mick] is fit, [Lil' Mick] will play,” beamed Second-Choice today. “Hopefully he will be fit to play for Newcastle on Sunday.”Also included in the squad are a number of uncapped players including Joleon Lescott, Ashley Young and Dean Ashton, who will probably miss out on partnering Lil’ Mick now that Tabloid Wayne is back from his knack. But the really intriguing battle will be between Gareth Barry and Frank Lampard to see who plays with $tevie Mbe in midfield. The Fiver for one will be praying that Second-Choice sticks with Barry, who complemented Mbe so well against Russia and Israel earlier this month. And if Second-Choice takes a bit of convincing, the Fiver knows a man who’s got some of those special keyboards for sale.Full squad for England’s Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia: Robinson (Tottenham), James (Portsmouth), Carson (Liverpool, on loan at Aston Villa), Richards (Human Rights FC), Brown (MU Rowdies), Ferdinand (MU Rowdies), England’s Brave John Terry (Chelsea), A Cole (Chelsea), P Neville (Everton), Twenty Benson %26 Hedges (And A Box Of Matches), Campbell (Portsmouth), Lescott (Everton), Shorey (Reading), Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), Mbe (Liverpool), Barry (Aston Villa), J Cole (Chelsea), Downing (Middlesbrough), Lampard (Chelsea), Young (Aston Villa), Bentley (Blackburn), Lil’ Mickey (Newcastle), Tabloid Wayne (MU Rowdies), Emmerdale Eminem (Newcastle), Ashton (Bad Boys Inc), Defoe (Tottenham), Johnson (Everton), Crouchigol (Liverpool).* * * * * * * * * * * *QUOTE OF THE DAY”How’s she going to find another man? Everybody’s terrified of her! One look from her and you’re cut to pieces so I’m not sure she’s going to have too much luck” - Ian Holloway doesn’t think Anne Robinson’s going to be getting much loving now that she’s split from her husband.*********************A MORNING IN THE LIFE OF FIFA PRESIDENT SEPP BLATTER, AGED 7110am: Wake up to sound of chambermaid knocking on hotel-room door. Instruct her to come back in 30 minutes wearing tighter shorts.10.05am: Begin filling out expense forms to account for yesterday’s %26euro;500 per diem.10.07am: Hold on, I work for Fifa - there’s no need to account for yesterday’s %26euro;500 per diem.10.15am: Room service arrives! Tuck into eggs, bacon, sausages, black pudding, fried tomatoes, hash browns, toast and coffee. Yum-yum - that should keep me going until breakfast.10.30am: Take seat in hotel dining room and get stuck into breakfast of herrings, quail eggs, smoked salmon, pan-seared foie gras, glazed veal sweetbreads, roasted rump and baked breast of new season lamb, spit-roasted poulet de Bresse and a quart of lard.11.31am: Stand behind lectern to deliver briefing to world’s press. 11.32am: Take two steps to left so world’s press can see me.11.34am: Address first item on agenda - foreign players. Football clubs should be allowed to field no more than five non-nationals in their starting XIs because such a move would encourage the development of home-grown talent. “This has several advantages - it will increase the possibility of players educated in the club to have access to the first team. That can have a direct impact, as it will be much cheaper for a club if you have your own educated players.”11.35am: Attempt to hide irritation when pedantic hack from tea-timely English football email points out that such a move would contravene EU employment law. Argue that men who get paid up to %26#163;130,000-per-week in wages to play football “are not workers”.11.36am: Move on to second item on the agenda - foreign owners. “I think they are good for the game as long as the money comes from the right sources. This investment of money is what allows football to become so exciting.”11.37am: Instruct security to eject pedantic hack from tea-timely English football email who points out that this expensive excitement is more likely to be generated by mysterious foreigners who have mastered such difficult techniques as trapping a football before passing it to another foreigner.11.38am: Point out that there is no need for any fancy Brussels lawyers to interfere in this either. “Also we do not see a need for the EU to interfere in this.”11.55am: Marvel at own influence as employees from European Commission, European Parliament, Council of the European Union, European Council, European Court of Justice and European Central Bank realise their own uselessness and resign en masse, leaving Fifa to govern all 27 member states of the European Union. Immediately raise daily per diem rate to %26euro;5,000.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLSick of getting told off by his wife for canoodling with young ladies, Silvio Berlusconi’s started making eyes at Alessandro Del Piero instead.MU Rowdies-slayer Michael Mifsud is ready to make the step down from Coventry to Bolton.And the Fiver can’t imagine what heinous sins QPR must have committed in a previous life to merit today’s reports that Glenn Hoddle is about to become their new manager.* * * * * * * * * * *STILL WANT MORE?Rangers and Raith Rovers legend and former Trinidad and Tobago captain marvellous Marvin Andrews tells Small Talk why praying isn’t cheating.”My name is Benjie and I’m addicted to fantasy football” - with a loud thud, Benjie Goodhart hits rock-bottom and finally admits he has a problem.There are many ways to describe the latest instalment of Football Weekly Extra, but somehow “Barry Glendenning impersonating Mr T” seems best.Whatever you do, don’t say that Middlesbrough are too good to get relegated, begs Harry Pearson.And in tomorrow’s %26#163;1.50 Big Paper: people in smart clothes get shouty about elections; Crouchigol teaches Mickey Rourke the robot; and enough glossy supplements to crush even the sturdiest coffee table.* * * * * * * * * * *NEWS IN BRIEFUefa has opened an official investigation into the tender caress suffered by Milan keeper Dida at the hands of a fan during their Big Cup defeat to the Queen’s Celtic. A disciplinary body will consult reports from the match delegate and referee Markus Merk just as soon as they finish lunch.Ajax coach Henk ten Cate is as bored with speculation linking him to Chelsea as the rest of us. “I don’t want to say more about the speculation,” he yawned.Owen Hargreaves could be back in training within 10 days after a successful injection on his tendon-twang. “It may be a bit less than four weeks,” och-ayed Lord Ferg under his breath, so Second-Choice Steve wouldn’t hear.Houston Dynamo and USA! USA! USA! midfielder Ricardo Clark has been banned for nine games after giving FC Dallas forward Carlos Ruiz a stunningly violent shoeing as he lay on the ground during the two sides’ game on Sunday. Clark has also been fined $10,000 over the incident.And Milan’s Kaka has been named Fifpro World Player of the Year, an award voted for by more than 45,000 professional footballers. England’s Brave John Terry and $tevie Mbe were the only two English players to make the Fifpro World XI, though the Premier League had further representatives in Cristiano Ronaldo and Didier Drogba.* * * * * * * * * *FIVER LETTERS”People who are foolish enough not only to believe that the Fiver, in its wisdom, confused Carl Weathers and Billy Dee Williams, but to also then write in to complain need to get out more. It’s called comedy” - Simon Brown. [Ummm ... - Fiver Ed.]“Re. Gilly and his pathetic inability to recognise that there might be similarities in appearance between two black people. There’s a difference between the phrase ‘those two look the same’ and ‘they ALL look the same’” - Nick Redman.”It must be my age - I don’t remember Indiana Jones, the pilot of the Millennium Falcon, being black” - Jonathan Martin.”Re. Carl Weathers/Billy Dee Williams. Just to clear up any confusion, which one of these actors played Blade?” - Matt Wilson.”I’m actually in San Francisco attending a stage-fighting workshop with Carl Weathers. I’ll ask him if he’s as offended by your ‘error’ as the collection of Star Wars geeks and pinko liberal types currently venting their spleen in your direction. Afterwards, I’m hoping we’re gonna get a stew goin’ on!” - Neil McI.”According to Phil Bowman (and five others), Oliver Daly (Fiver letters passim) plays for both teams? Isn’t that a bit of an ignorant and somewhat crass assumption, given that he clearly stated his affiliation to just one team?” - Jon Rice.”Can you help me with finding a fan-mail address for Lee Sharpe? There don’t appear to be any web pages. Many thanks for your help” - Jemma N.”I feel I must write in to congratulate the Fiver on yesterday’s edition. I actually laughed out loud several times, something which hasn’t happened for quite a while. So, sincere congratulations to the authors of the letters in question” - James E.”I have been enthralled by your recent section devoted to extracts from Tim Lovejoy’s new book. Is he still on TV and radio? Perhaps still hosting a football-related show? If only the Fiver came with it’s own TV and radio schedule, located towards the end of the tea-time email, interspersed with snippets from hilarious anecdotes” - Alastair Slaven.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.* * * * * * * * * *IT’S LOVEJOY! (A SERIES DEVOTED TO GEMS FROM TIM LOVEJOY’S NEW BOOK: LOVEJOY ON FOOTBALL)BBC1: Something for the Weekend (10am) “I have never been one of those people that wallows in nostalgia.Five: Fifth Gear (7.30pm) “The thing I get excited about is the here and now and the future.David Beckham’s Soccer USA (9pm) “When the season ends, for example, I count the days until the fixture list for the next season comes out and when the fixture list is released I count the days until the season starts.Sky Sports One: Soccer AM repeats (9am) “But when someone says, ‘Do you remember that League Cup tie four years ago?’Sky One: Tim Lovejoy and the Allstars (9pm) “I’m like ‘No, I’m really sorry but I don’t remember anything’.Deadwood (10pm) “So I’ve got a rotten memory. Does that make me a fraud?UK Gold: Lovejoy (7pm) “Does that make me a fake fan?Radio Five Live: 6-0-6 (6pm) “Of course not.”* * * * * * * * * * *MISPLACING YOUR GYM GEAR DOES NOT WARRANT A POLICE INVESTIGATION

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“Information that Mr Abramovich is preparing to, or already has, offered Guus Hiddink a management post at Chelsea is untrue,” read the statement. “On the contrary, Mr Abramovich is very pleased the Russian Football Union has offered to renew Mr Hiddink’s contract until 2010. Thanks to Mr Hiddink the Russian national team has become more exciting and solid, giving hope for achieving serious success on both the European and international levels.”Earlier today Chelsea had confirmed Grant’s plans to strengthen his backroom team. Grant, basking in Chelsea’s impressive Champions League victory away to Valencia, is considering having a foreign assistant coach to work alongside Steve Clarke. Reports suggest the Ajax coach Henk ten Cate is the person Grant has in mind, some claiming he too has met with Chelsea technical director Frank Arnesen, but it is Grant who is currently shaping Chelsea’s future.Earlier the Blues released a statement which read: “Chelsea first-team coach Avram Grant has made it publicly clear several times that he intends to strengthen his backroom team in addition to his assistant coach Steve Clarke. One of the scenarios Avram is considering is a team containing a British assistant coach in Steve and a foreign assistant coach, a system the first team are already familiar with.”For his part, Hiddink has always been been quick to play down any suggestions that he is heading for Stamford Bridge and only last week was quoted as saying he had told Abramovich he wanted to concentrate on getting the national team to the Euro 2008 finals. Russia are two points behind second-placed England in Group E with three games left and face Steve McClaren’s side in Moscow in two weeks. Hiddink’s current deal with the Russian Football Federation is understood to expire next year but he has previously said he was going to extend it until 2010 whether or not they qualified for next year’s major tournament.Meanwhile, Chelsea captain John Terry has declared himself fit for England’s Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia. Terry, who led Chelsea to victory over Valencia in the Champions League last night wearing a face mask to protect the cheekbone he fractured against Fulham five days earlier, said: “I am definitely going to be ready for England. I’m fit now and no excuses.”It was OK playing in the mask. I got used to it in training and didn’t have any problems at all. As long as I am wearing my mask in games it is going to full protect me. I just have to be careful.”

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Look, the Fiver’s only copying Milan keeper Dida, who flopped to the floor after a drunken goon brushed (nay, stroked) the Brazilian’s cheek towards the end of last night’s Big Cup game. If Dida was hoping to distract attention from the fact that he was at fault for all three THIS TEA-TIME EMAIL IS FADING OUT! IT’S FADING! goals he conceded it didn’t work because now everyone knows he’s a cheat as well as incompetent.And it’s not just the Fiver that thinks so, cheque CAN’T FEEL MY CHEEK! so cold, so … very … cold out the quotes from today’s Italian press: “Three interventions and two errors (on the two goals): disastrous is the only possible adjective,” biffs the Gazzetta dello Sport. “An imbecile pitch invader caressed Dida and he left on a stretcher. Come on…” pows the Corriere della Sera. And on the Gazzetta website, 87% of fans think Milan should discipline Dida.Of course, being a responsible tea-time email, we’re obliged to point out that the idiot who pranced on to the field - he was banned for life from Queen’s Celtic Park today - shouldn’t have been there of course, and Uefa has launched an investigation which will presumably involve a panel of well-fed men giggling at a 6ft 5in athlete being felled by Benny Hill’s body-double. The Queen’s Celtic have no recent history of trouble in Europe, unlike in Scotland - their supporters won a Uefa fair-play award in 2003 - so they’re unlikely to face a points deduction, but they could still receive a big fine or play a game behind closed doors or get sent to bed without any supper.Gordon Strachan might want to start clutching his wee legs in agony and rolling about on the floor right about now.* * * * * * * * * * * *QUOTE OF THE DAY”Thank you, thank you, thank you … for buying Nathan Ellington” - West Brom fan Frank Skinner endears himself to his audience at the Watford Palace Theatre.*********************HIDDINK LINKED WITH JOB, PROMPTING FIVER TO DUST OFF TRUSTY OLD “GOING DUTCH” HEADLINEIt’s not our fault. If anyone’s to blame for the fact that we’re only allowed to tell you about the least interesting of the four scurrilous rumours concerning well-known sports folk that we’ve heard today, it’s those senile bewigged beaks who passed this country’s draconian libel laws. We know you’d rather hear that [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers] has fathered a not-as-secret-as-he’d-like lovechild with [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers]. And we’d love to give you the skinny on [Snip! - Fiver lawyers] sneaking off behind [Snip! - Fiver lawyers]’s back to have knee-tremblers with [Snip! - Fiver lawyers], [Snip! - Fiver lawyers] and the Fiver lawyers in the middle of a bustling Plymouth thoroughfare.But because those overly cautious briefs are peering over our shoulder as we type with scissors poised and a shotgun pointing at the base of our skull, it’s more than our job’s worth to reveal anything more sordid or salacious than the news that, come the end of November, Guus Hiddink will be quitting his job as the manager of the Russia football team, owned by Roman Abramovich, to take over as the manager of Chelsea football team, owned by Roman Abramovich.And how do we know this? Because we read it in Lahn’s Lah’n E’nin’ Stannah, whose reporters read it in Dutch newspaper De Pers, which means it must be true. Why, just this morning De Pers revealed that Hiddink has already secretly agreed to replace Avram Grant as manager at Chelsea. “De internationale autosportfederatie FIA onderzoekt de rol van McLaren-coureur Lewis Hamilton bij een crash tussen Mark Webber (Red Bull) en Sebastian Vettel (Toro Rosso) tijdens de race in Japan,” it thundered.But while he may be determined to remain in charge of Russia until their hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 officially hit the skids, Hiddink has already started to assemble the coaching team. Ajax manager Henk ten Cate will be appointed to a senior coaching role and will be one of three assistants working under Guus. “De 18-jarige Nederlandse was een tweede ronde niet opgewassen tegen Nadia Petrova,” revealed De Pers. “De als zevende geplaatste Russische gunde Krajicek maar vier games: 6-1, 6-3.”And if any further proof is needed that Hiddink’s move to Stamford Bridge is as good as a done deal, have a look at this quote from Roman Abramovich’s henchmen that was issued mere seconds before we sent out today’s Fiver. “Information that Mr Abramovich is preparing to, or already has, offered Guus Hiddink a management post at Chelsea is untrue,” it read. So there you have it - whatever about Dutch newspapers, if the Chelsea propaganda machine is denying something, then it’s almost certainly true.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLThe Special One wants to know which of Real Madrid or Milan’s suits are more readily prepared to bow to his every whim.It’s a race from the blocks for Wolves goalkeeper Wayne Hennessy, with Fulham, Aston Villa and Human Rights FC leading the charge.And Crewe are mooting a move for goal-shy Hull “striker” Michael Bridges.* * * * * * * * * *IT’S LOVEJOY! (A SERIES DEVOTED TO GEMS FROM TIM LOVEJOY’S NEW BOOK: LOVEJOY ON FOOTBALL)”I suddenly realised the sort of power you possess on TV and radio to mercilessly slaughter footballers, who are just trying to do their job, sometimes in very difficult circumstances, and all they get is the usual negative spin from the media. I started analysing this a lot more and I began to see the hypocrisy of some fat journalist saying Beckham had lost it, or some moderately talented ex-pro criticising a player in his newspaper column. I decided I was not going to be part of the whole circus and was determined to rise above it all and get people enjoying their football again.” Continues tomorrow.* * * * * * * * * * *STILL WANT MORE?Comedy wardrobe malfunctions aside, Zinedine Kilbane is one of the most underrated players out there, says Paul Doyle.Now that the Eurodisney League’s finest have won a couple of games in Big Cup, Scott Murray reckons Scotland can win Euro 2008. No, seriously.Rod Wallace humbling Spurs and QPR coming back from four goals down? It can only be Classic YouTube.”As is customary for men under strain, Roman Abramovich chose to spend some time in his Shed last weekend” - Page 12 stunna Marina Hyde talks Chelsea.And in tomorrow’s %26#163;0.80 Big Paper: our crack team of film critics rate Ian Curtis biopic Control; If… gives way to The Perry Bible Fellowship; and all the reaction to Tottenham’s Euro Va … sorry, you don’t care about Euro Vase, do you? Neither do we.* * * * * * * * * * *NEWS IN BRIEFDerby boss Billy Davies reckons his charges will avoid relegation despite their poor start to the season. “We will become more familiar with our surroundings and achieve what we have to achieve - which is consolidation,” och-ayed Davies, glueing wings to a passing swine.Michael Carrick has been ruled out for up to six weeks after suffering elbow-snap during the MU Rowdies’ Big Cup win over Roma on Tuesday.Midfielder Fausto Pinto ensured Pachuca made a dignified exit from the Copa Sudamericana, pulling America defender Jose Antonio Castro’s hair to spark a major brawl in the dying stages of their first-round defeat. Two players were sent of as Pachuca - who won the tournament last year - crashed out 4-3 on aggregate.And LA Galaxy coach Frank Yallop reckons David Beckham is “not ready” for England’s Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia. “He’s not played a competitive game,” droned the soccerball trainer, to a deafening sigh of relief from the English nation.* * * * * * * * * *FIVER LETTERS”Rafa Benitez’s increasingly bizarre team selection policy reminds me of my five-month-old Jack Russell terrier playing in the garden. I’ve bought him a large amount of diverse and expensive toys but he constantly seems overwhelmed by the choice, uses most of the toys incorrectly and invariably ends up chewing one of my shoes or chasing his own tail” - Frank Joyce.”Re. It’s Lovejoy (yesterday’s Fiver)! Tim’s showing his age. Whenever I tell anyone I support Forest I get them rolling around the floor with laughter. Followed by pity” - Bill Iliffe.”It’s good to see the autobiography part of the Fiver has been revived. The latest certainly seems to be up to the standard. I note that Lovejoy seems like a very cool guy, as he didn’t bother much with college. Please keep the extracts coming” - Alex W.”Re. Apollo Creed flying the Millennium Falcon (yesterday’s Fiver). Dear oh dear. Get your tin hats on lads, this might get messy” - Martin McQuaid.”Are you deliberately making mistakes in order to get people to write in? Apollo Creed was of course played by Carl Weathers; Lando Calrissian was played by Billy Dee Williams. Given that the Fiver readership demographic is probably pretty similar to the Star Wars viewer demographic (ie lonely, sweaty men - myself included), I would imagine there’s going to be a few more than 1,057 people pointing this out” - Mathew Richards (and 1,058 others).”Please explain how you get from Apollo Creed (played by Carl Weathers) to Millennium Falcon pilot Lando Calrissian (played by Billy Dee Williams) without using the phrase ‘they all look the same’. Shame on you Fiver” - Gilly.”While I’m sure you’ll get many outraged letters regarding the Fiver not being able to tell the difference between two black American actors, I choose to take offence at your appalling lack of Star Wars knowledge” - Rick Liebling.”You just do these things to test us don’t you?” - Eddie Layland.”Re: Petr Cech and John Terry. Where was the Fiver’s repertoire of Batman and Robin jokes?” - Pav Anwar.”Re. Fiver Ed’s bewilderment at Oliver Daly’s team’s ability to finish 27th and 28th in the g@y World Cup (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Am I about to be joined by 1,056 others if I point out that it may have had something to do with him playing for both sides?” - Phil Bowman (and five others).”Just to clear up the confusion, we had two teams in the competition: Leftfooters and Leftovers, who finished 27th and 28th respectively after losing our knockout games before anyone else” - Oliver Daly.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.* * * * * * * * * * *CAKE WILL TEAR US APART!

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