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Roman Abramovich has told Chelsea’s board to find a managerial hard man to replace the sacked Avram Grant. The club have yet to identify who will become their third manager in nine months, but they have put together a shortlist focusing on renowned disciplinarians, believed to include Guus Hiddink, Luiz Felipe Scolari and Marcello Lippi, with Mark Hughes the home-grown candidate.

Pini Zahavi, who for several years has acted as a buying agent for Chelsea, is pushing the credentials of his friend Sven-G?ran Eriksson, whom Abramovich has attempted to hire on two previous occasions, but the former England manager’s reputation for indulging his players would appear to rule him out this time. Frank Rijkaard and Roberto Mancini, who have won domestic titles with Barcelona and Inter Milan respectively, also fall into this category.

However, the intervention of Abramovich could change that. Hiddink has not signed a two-year contract extension that was agreed with the Russian FA in March and, as a guest at the Champions League final last week, told a packed Luzhniki Stadium in English that he still hoped to work in the Barclays Premier League.

Hiddink is perhaps the only candidate to fulfil all of the criteria that the Chelsea board have been given in their search for a manager. His track record, coaching skills and tactical acumen are impeccable he has taken four countries to leading finals and won the Champions League with PSV Eindhoven as is his English.

Tags: acumen, avram grant, barclays, barclays premier league, cate, champion, champions league, champions league final, chelsea, contract extension, disciplinarians, domestic titles, england manager, felipe scolari, frank rijkaard, hard man, hiddink, inter milan, luiz felipe scolari, luzhniki stadium, marcello lippi, mark hughes, premier league, roberto mancini, roman abramovich, shortlist, zahavi

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As the bus trundled down the Avenida Diagonal, one man was absent from the top deck: Frank Rijkaard. While his players celebrated, he sat in the gloom below, silently puffing on a cigarette. On the way back from clinching the title at Valencia, Bar%26ccedil;a’s president, Joan Laporta, had raised the Dutchman’s arm aloft, like a boxer, as they arrived in the departure lounge. The coach simply looked down, pulled his hand free and hurried through passport control.It was typical Rijkaard. Since taking over in 2003, he has stood out by not standing out at all, the quiet man at the centre of Barcelona’s revival. If Roman Abramovich wants a low-profile coach, Rijkaard slips under the radar entirely. What made Rijkaard’s spats with Jose Mourinho so notable was not the way he reacted but that he reacted at all.One of Rijkaard’s charges in the Holland team defines him in three words: cool under pressure. “Frank speaks so quietly you have to strain to hear him,” says Ronaldinho. “The best thing about the mister,” adds Puyol, “is that he is very calm.” Rijkaard admits his first task on taking over was to make the players feel “protected and relaxed”.At Barcelona that is easier said than done. It is not just about managing the team but managing the whole entourage. “The key to our success is the calmness Rijkaard transmits to everyone,” says Laporta. Privately, those close to Rijkaard say the pressure has taken its toll, though rarely has it surfaced publicly. He is widely liked, never seeks conflict Mourinho-style and rarely responds to barbed questions or even the most bitter of accusations. Rijkaard could hardly be more different from the former coach Louis van Gaal. But it worked. Although only the third choice, behind Guus Hiddink and Ronald Koeman, Rijkaard joined a club that had not won the league in five years and lurched from crisis to crisis. At Christmas 2003 Bar%26ccedil;a were 12th, 18 points behind Real Madrid and humiliated 5-0 at M%26aacute;laga.But Rijkaard did not panic and neither did the club. Nine successive wins began a run in which they overhauled Real to finish second to Valencia. The following season, with Eto’o and Deco joining, they won the title, repeated the success the following year and added the European Cup by beating Arsenal in Paris.It was all done with wonderful football. Schooled at Ajax, and a disciple of Total Football, Rijkaard is adamant about “keeping the game open”. He adopted a 4-3-3 formation that allowed a catalogue of creative stars to complement each other. Winning games and winning over people, here was the footballing nirvana that Roman Abramovich believed he could not achieve with Mourinho.”He gives us freedom and doesn’t always pressure us,” said Puyol. But what was meant as a compliment soon became a criticism. Rijkaard’s relaxed nature came to be judged as passivity. Critics who lauded his paternalism in victory attacked his weakness in defeat. Rijkaard had, after all, allowed Ronaldinho to miss more than half of last season’s training yet still refused to drop him, even as he became clearly overweight. Rijkaard’s sessions, though, were dismissed as short, lacking intensity, and with no tactical work at all.With Henk Ten Cate moving to Chelsea, Rijkaard appeared to have lost the hard man he needed to make his routine succeed. Some urged Rijkaard to get tough and he took some measures, including dropping Ronaldinho for the first time ever last month, but adopting a harder attitude would not wash and he was not false enough to try it. It was not that he made wrong decisions; he made no decisions at all. The balancing act did not work either. Rijkaard’s ability to maintain harmony blew up in his face when Eto’o launched a furious harangue on Ronaldinho and referred to the coach as a “bad person”. Rijkaard showed no reaction.Packed with talent and blessed with a huge lead, Bar%26ccedil;a contrived to throw away last year’s league title. Divided, lacking tactical rigour or fitness, they appeared to have gone down the gal%26aacute;ctico route. This year’s poor start has only reinforced that belief. Suddenly the call is for another kind of coach, an iron man in the Mourinho fashion; just as Mourinho’s former employers are looking for a coach cut from a different cloth.Rijkaard’s recordAs a player1980 Made senior debut aged 17 for Ajax under Leo Beenhakker1982 Won championship with Ajax, the first of three titles in his first spell at the club1987 Fell out with Johan Cruyff, eventually going out on loan to Real Zaragoza before moving to Milan where he achieved legendary status1988 Arrigo Sacchi converted him from central defender to world-class midfielder in a side with Marco van Basten and Ruud Gullit who won the European Cup twice and Serie A title twice. As an international won Euro 88 and a semi-finalist in 1992As a manager2000 Despite inexperience as a manager, he guided Holland to the Euro 2000 semi-finals2003 After a difficult start he turned around Barcelona’s fortunes. They finished runners-up in first season before winning La Liga twice2006 Won Champions League, beating Arsenal in the final

Tags: ajax, attitude, cate, champion, champions league, chelsea, dutchman, europe, frank rijkaard, hard man, henk, hiddink, iron man, marco van basten, real madrid, roman abramovich, ten cate

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Chelsea’s injured midfielder Michael Ballack has given the manager, Avram Grant, a boost by confirming he has no intention of quitting the club. The former Bayern Munich midfielder, struggling to regain full fitness after two ankle operations, wants to remain at the club for the rest of his career.”I feel very happy here and would like to end my career here,” he told the German TV station ARD. “Although I want to end my career at Chelsea, if I am still fit when my contract runs out, why should I not play on for another two years?”Ballack’s desire to stay at Stamford Bridge is matched by the striker Didier Drogba, who felt Jose Mourinho’s departure more than most. “Chelsea is my destiny today. I do not want the adventure to change. Milan? What a good club. But I have spoken to nobody,” he said.Guus Hiddink, who has been linked with a move to Chelsea, has agreed a two-year extension to his contract as coach of Russia. The 60-year-old admits he has talked with the London club’s owner, Roman Abramovich, but denies they spoke about the possibility of creating a working relationship.”Even before [Mourinho] left his job I had already discussed my future with Russia so it had absolutely no bearing on my decision to stay here,” he said. “Every now and then I’ve had good contacts with some of the Chelsea players as well as the club’s management and on my recent visit to London [last month] we had a chat with Mr Abramovich over a cup of coffee but not to discuss the Chelsea job.”

Tags: avram grant, bayern munich, cate, chelsea, ford, hiddink, job, roman abramovich, ten cate

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“We have a project to reshape Russian football by 2014, with the 2010 World Cup as the first phase,” said Hiddink. “Given Abramovich’s long-term commitment and vision, it seems very unlikely that he would try to disrupt that process.”Hiddink also said that any meetings with Abramovich - who contributes towards his salary as national manager - had nothing to do with the Chelsea job. “Since people continually associate me with Roman Abramovich, I thought it would be a good idea to explain a little bit about our relationship,” he said. “I have met him five times: four times in London and once at the PSV [Eindhoven] training complex. As for all those stories about me being a candidate for the Chelsea job, we never discussed it. I know that you can never say never in football, but that option would not have made sense.”Hiddink, whose Russia side face England in a vital Euro 2008 qualifier in Moscow next week, believes the Chelsea shake-up of recent weeks is part of Abramovich’s desire to see his side play attractive football. “At Chelsea, Abramovich has invested a lot of money in players and not so much in longer-term development,” he added. “And you need to be able to show the world that with the players that they have, you can get results, but that you can also play attractive football. I think he felt that the latter was missing.”Meanwhile, Michael Ballack has admitted that he hopes to stay at Chelsea for the rest of his career. Ballack has struggled to make an impact at Stamford Bridge since arriving from Bayern Munich and is currently sidelined with an ankle injury which has kept him out of action since April.But he insists he wants to remain at the club beyond the expiry of his current contract in 2009. “I feel very happy here and would like to end my career here,” he said. “Although I want to end my career at Chelsea, if I am still fit when my contract runs out, why should I not play on for another two years?”Chelsea are also on the brink of reaching an agreement with Henk ten Cate to join their coaching staff. Ten Cate quit his post at Ajax earlier this week after Chelsea agreed a compensation figure with the Dutch club for his services. Chelsea now expect to finalise the deal within the next 24 hours in order for Ten Cate to take up his role under head coach Avram Grant and alongside assistant Steve Clarke. A statement on Chelsea’s official website read: “Chelsea have reached agreement with Ajax for the release of Henk ten Cate. We expect to finalise his contract with Chelsea in the next 24 hours as assistant first-team coach.”

Tags: ajax, avram grant, bayern munich, cate, chelsea, euro 2008, ford, henk, hiddink, job, roman abramovich, steve clarke, team coach, ten cate

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But no. The Mill saw the light. The Daily Mail’s problem pages revealed how Roman Abramovich has wandering eyes and can’t help flirting with Dutch lovelies. Frank Rijkaard is the latest stunner thought to be on Chelsea’s never-ending shopping list. With the imminent arrival of Henk ten Cate from Ajax, it was assumed that Roman would bring in Guus Hiddink, but the Mill reads that Ajax striker Klaas-Jan Hunterlaar will be dragged into the Stamford Bridge vortex of doom, followed by Barcelona-based supermodel Rijkaard in the summer. One onlooker, who wasn’t there, is thought not to have said: “They couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They looked so in love.”The Mirror’s agony uncles report that heartbroken Martin Jol has found out that - as Barry White once said - love is really a hurting thing. Big Marty Jol wanted to walk out on ungrateful spouse Spurs and straight into the arms of Ajax, but his dreams of a place in the sun were gazumped when Ajax appointed their youth team coach instead.Staying with White Heartbreak Lane, the Super Soaraway says Russian captain Andrei Arshavin could be on his way to London for a stormy fling with the Lillywhites. Talks have begun with the right-sided midfielder from Zenit St Petersburg who led his country against England last month, after which he said of potential love-interest Paul Robinson: “England do not have normal keepers. Robinson is not the strongest representative of his profession.”Dear Deirdre, I like to call my own penis “the Hulk”. Am I normal? writes JD (The Bench, White Hart Lane). And yet again from the house of pain, the Express are claiming Sven-Goran Eriksson wants occasional England scamperer and trousersnake-namer Jermain Defoe to move to Manchester City. Sven, not shy of a little roleplay himself, will try to bring Defoe to Eastlands in the January transfer window for %26#163;12m.”I am a rich, successful and handsome man but my demanding nature keeps putting potential partners off. I’ve had a series of short and stormy relationships, but I’m so impatient that if I don’t get exactly what I want, I dump them and just pick up someone else.” No, not the Mill writing about itself (though it might as well be). The Express say Simon Jordan is about to appoint Neil Warnock as the successor to Peter Taylor as manager at Selhurst Park.And for a few “Lite Bites”(TM), Sheffield United and Wolves are vying for the signature of Manchester United midfielder Darren Gibson. The 19-year-old, who decided to play for the Republic rather than Northern Ireland, is on loan at the Blades, but Mick McCarthy wants to lure Gibson away by leaving a trail of dolly mixtures from the car park at Bramall Lane to his office at Molineux. Aston Villa hope to complete the deal this week for Togo midfielder Moustapha Salifou, who is still waiting for international clearance.

Tags: ajax, cate, chelsea, ford, frank rijkaard, goran eriksson, henk, hiddink, manchester united, roman abramovich, rumours, team coach, ten cate, way to london

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Ten Cate, as befits a Dutch coach, is an advocate of attacking football and once said: “Nearly everybody played 4-3-3 when I started out so I was pretty much raised in that offensive system and thinking. I have always played [and coached] at clubs that played attractive football and did not depend on brute force.”The Dutchman is on his way to join Chelsea as an assistant coach despite having a torrid time at Ajax at the moment. Fan frustration boiled over during Sunday’s 2-2 draw at Sparta Rotterdam when supporters aimed abuse at Ten Cate, the club chairman John Jaakke and the defender Jurgen Colin. Regular chants of “Henkie, get lost and take Jaakke and Colin with you” rang around the away end as Ajax struggled to gain a point in the league game.The Ajax supporters’ frustration, however, does not mean that Chelsea are making a mistake. At Barcelona, under Frank Rijkaard, he was an ideal No2, improving players in training and fine-tuning their attacking instincts. He also allowed Rijkaard to keep his “good guy” image with the players. It was often Ten Cate who had to tell players that they were dropped or that they were not being offered a new contract. At half-time it was Ten Cate who ranted or raved if Bar鏰 were behind.The 52-year-old has also had success as a first-team coach in what can only be described as a remarkable and nomadic career. He rarely rose above the average during a playing CV which saw him represent Vitesse, Go Ahead Eagles, Edmonton Drillers, Telstar and Heracles, but he has a reputation as a coach who drastically improves players and works miracles with smaller teams.After gaining experience with Go Ahead Eagles, SC Heracles and the amateur club Rheden, he led Sparta Rotterdam to sixth place in the Eredivisie and also took them to the Dutch cup final, where they lost 5-2 to PSV Eindhoven. Later, at Vitesse, he surprised everyone by finishing third in the league - their highest ever position.He has coached in Hungary and Germany as well, and managed to win the Hungarian Cup with MTK Hungaria despite living in a small flat without his family and the fact that he was often racially abused (he was born in Amsterdam to a Surinamese mother).More success followed back in the Netherlands with NAC Breda - whom he qualified for the Uefa Cup for the first time ever and then, of course, at Barcelona as Rijkaard’s assistant.There is, however, always the danger that his temper will boil over. He had to leave Vitesse after television cameras caught him completely losing the plot following a Uefa Cup game against Sporting Braga. He had to be calmed down by the president, Karel Aalbers, and the technical director, Leo Beenhakker, and that high-profile incident contributed to his departure for KFC Uerdingen in Germany.He is not afraid to make unpopular decisions and Jan Luijkx, a backroom staff member at NAC Breda, said after being fired by Ten Cate: “Ten Cate manages to kick up a row every day, and not only with me. He treats people with contempt and always blames someone else.”At Barcelona, however, he prospered. Ten Cate and Rijkaard both have Surinam roots and knew each other from growing up in Amsterdam. Rijkaard was always going to be the club’s face towards the outside world because of his past as a player but Ten Cate has often been credited as the architect of the successful team that won the Champions League in 2006.The lure of coaching Ajax back in Amsterdam, however, proved too difficult to resist after that Champions League triumph in Paris against Arsenal but his tenure there has been disappointing, especially in Europe. He has failed to reach the Champions League group stages in two consecutive seasons, falling to FC Copenhagen and Slavia Prague in the third qualifying round, and his misery was completed last week when Ajax were also eliminated from the Uefa Cup against Dynamo Zagreb.The coach was not helped by Ajax’s decision to sell Wesley Sneijder to Real Madrid and Ryan Babel to Liverpool in the summer but the problems at the club have reinforced the view that he is an extremely good No2 but perhaps not suited to lead a big club. In London he will arrive in an ideal position: he can work with the players on the training pitch and improve the team’s attacking play, instilling a pattern which will see Chelsea score far more goals than they have so far this season.In the Netherlands he is not seen as a genius such as Guus Hiddink or Johan Cruyff, partly because he did not have a good playing career. He is an emotional character who seems to be better suited away from the limelight than in it. Daan Schippers is deputy editor at the Dutch football magazine ElfRoad to the BridgeFebruary 1990Given his first coaching job at Go Ahead Eagles, where he also playedMay 1995Reaches Dutch Cup final with Sparta Rotterdam but loses 5-2 to PSVMay 1998Finishes third in Dutch league with Vitesse, their highest position everMay 2000Wins his first trophy by leading MTK Hungaria to the Hungarian CupMay 2003Takes NAC Breda into the Uefa Cup for the first time in the club’s historyMay 2006Wins the Spanish league title and the Champions League as Barcelona assistant coach with Ronaldinho and co beating Arsenal 2-1 in the final in Paris

Tags: ajax, assistant coach, cate, chairman john, champion, champions league, chelsea, dutch league, dutchman, edmonton drillers, europe, frank rijkaard, henk, hiddink, job, real madrid, rotterdam, ryan babel, team coach, ten cate

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COMRADE5! DO NOT FEAR! Your club is in safe hands! Australia’s rugby players will finally free themselves from the yoke of their colonial masters! It is quite normal to go three years without touching a member of the opposite gender! Hmm, seems to be pretty accurate so far. Guus Hiddink will not be the next Chelsea manager! Woah! There might be a problem here, check out this news coming from Rupert Murdoch’s very own propaganda machine, Sky Sports News: “Breaking news: Ajax have reached an agreement with Chelsea over the transfer of coach Henk ten Cate to Stamford Bridge, where he will work alongside Steve Clarke as assistant to Avram Grant.”There were rumours circulating last week, you see, that Chelsea’s sporting director, Frank Arnesen, was planning to bring in Ten Cate and that Hiddink would follow as manager shortly afterwards. Today’s events - despite Grant’s insistence that Ten Cate’s arrival has his blessing - give credence to those whispers.[Fiver hits propaganda machine with oversized comedy spanner and adjusts various manifold overhead sprockets]Let’s see if we can’t get this thing working properly. COMRADE5! DO NOT FEAR! Repeating riffs is the secret of comedy, it is not a hasty way of dealing with late-breaking stories! We all have one of those hidden under our bed! Yup, working again. Ten Cate is coaching his clogs off this season! Gah! The machine’s still flipped! Ajax have been dumped out of Euro Vase and at the weekend their fans chanted “Henkie, get lost” as his team struggled to a 2-2 draw with Sparta Rotterdam.[Fiver gives propaganda machine almighty whack with the only oversized tool it can boast]Right, one last go. COMRADE5! DO NOT FEAR! Frank Lampard will put the agitator Gareth Barry in his place and pepper the Russian goal with shots next Wednesday! England will not use the plastic pitch as an excuse!Bah!* * * * * * * * * * * *QUOTE OF THE DAY”He used to have a nickname for his ‘thing’. He wasn’t very modest and always called it ‘The Hulk’. It was quite distinctive because he has a strange skin pigmentation down there, which means it’s the colours of Neapolitan ice cream” - Jermain Defoe might not appreciate kiss-and-tell merchant Rachel Cameron’s attention to detail, but it’s certainly made the Fiver feel less self-conscious about its maple flavoured cone with real walnut pieces.*********************’KARMA TODAY’ with ENGLAND’S MICHAEL OWENMichael Owen - or to give him his full given name, England’s Michael Owen - loves playing for his country. So much so that he left his beloved Liverpool with a tear in his eye and a bag of coins in his grip, and trundled off on his little wheel-shaped legs to better himself in Madrid. “Bye bye, England’s,” grinned Rafa Benitez as Owen trundled into the horizon, “and eff off! Now we can build a lop-sided team which doesn’t function properly around another over-rated local hero instead.” But things didn’t go well for England’s in Madrid, as he didn’t bother learning to speak the langua … hold on … didn’t get many games. So with his England place in mind, he drove himself back towards Liverpool - whereupon he got blocked off from the slip road for the M62 by a fat lummox in a flash car who shunted him all the way to Newcastle.Sadly, having gone to such lengths to take great care of himself, England’s then got knee-knack. Wrapping himself in cotton wool and snuggling up in a box in a cupboard under the stairs in the Newcastle treatment room, England’s spent the next few months dreaming of the Big Cup he could have won at Liverpool, the matches he could have played in Spain deputising for the subsequently injured Raul and Ronaldo, and the fact that the fruits of his self-centred career choices over the past few years pretty much define “karma” in a nutshell. And lo, his knee repaired in time for the 2006 World Cup - from which he crawled home on all fours.All of which is, even for the Fiver, a particularly convoluted way of making a simple point: that you’d think the daft get would have learned to simmer down and take life as it comes. But no. Because after coming on as a sub and scoring the decisive goal in Newcastle’s 47-46 victory over Everton yesterday, it seems England’s wants to play in, er, England’s Euro 2008 non-qualification double header against Estonia this Saturday and Russia the following Wednesday. And this despite strong suggestions that to thrash himself too hard after a quick return from hernia-twang might be daft $oddery of the highest order.”I don’t know whether two games in such a short space of time is right,” warned his boss. “I have to be very protective - that’s why I didn’t start him. He’s got to be eased back into it.” But England’s is not listening to Sam Allardyce at all. “I’m fine,” insists England’s. “It’s feeling good and I’m available for both teams,” he added, perhaps failing to realise that having played a total of 3.10473 games for Newcastle since they rescued him from his Madrid Hell, he might owe one team a wee bit more consideration than the other. “I think coming back in eight days to play for my club shows a bit of determination.” To play for England, yes it sure does. So if his internal tissues start shredding like confetti after seven minutes of the Estonia match, that’ll be another dictionary rewrite required - this time of the words “buffoon” and “myopic” - right there and then.*********************IT’S LOVEJOY! (A SERIES DEVOTED TO GEMS FROM TIM LOVEJOY’S NEW BOOK: LOVEJOY ON FOOTBALL)”Who cares if you only got into football after Euro 96? Who cares if you only supported [MU Rowdies] because they had David Beckham? Who cares if you don’t know who won the World Cup in 1938? It doesn’t matter. What does matter is at least you finally found football. At least you have been born again.” Continues tomorrow, a day for which we cannot wait.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLThe cut of Sporting Lisbon left-back/centre-back/midfielder Miguel Veloso’s jib is currently being admired by staff at the MU Rowdies, Arsenal and Liverpool.Martin O’Neill has a bag containing %26#163;10m in readies and will give it to Liverpool if they let him keep Scott Carson for ever and ever.St Etienne attacking midfielder Pascal Feindouno might decide to leave the Sarah Cracknell-fronted indie-pop darlings when he hears Rafa Benitez wants to bring him to Anfield.And if Roy Keane has his way, Rowdies loanee Ryan Shawcross will swap the red-and-white stripes of Stoke for those of Sunderland.* * * * * * * * * * *STILL WANT MORE?That scratching sound you can hear is David Pleat writing “Sunderland’s advanced full-backs and wingers gave the Gunners a scare” on his trusty chalkboard.Sick of people telling you not to pick your nose? Pick the Score instead.There was lots of football played in Spain over the weekend, which is a good thing for Sid Lowe, as he’d have nothing to write about otherwise.And there was lots of football played in Germany over the weekend, which is a good thing for Raphael Honigstein, as he’d et cetera, and so on, and so forth.And in tomorrow’s %26#163;0.80 Big Paper: Frank Keating returns; Steve Claridge casts his scouting eye over an 18-year-old from the New Den; and Ron Cox delivers his tip of the day.* * * * * * * * * * *NEWS IN BRIEFPeter Taylor has become the latest manager to be sacked by tikka-tinged and painfully shy Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan. “Crystal Palace announce that Peter Taylor’s contract has been terminated with immediate effect,” quipped a statement on the club’s website.Uefa has opened disciplinary proceedings against Milan and their Brazilian chea … sorry, goalkeeper Dida, who was stretchered off after being gently caressed by a Queen’s Celtic fan during his side’s Big Cup defeat last week.Wigan chairman Dave Whelan has demanded the return of about %26#163;293,000 he claims some footpads, trading under the name Greater Manchester police, overcharged him for policing matches during the 2003-04 and 2004-05 seasons. Chief Constable Michael Todd, Greater Manchester police’s, er, chief constable, told the high court the charges were reasonable and entirely lawful. And he should know, it’s not as though the police ever do anything wrong.Coventry City have announced that catchily-named American consortium Manhattan Sports Capital Partners Limited have withdrawn their interest in taking over the club.Dinamo Kyiv boss Josef Sabo has blamed his players’ Wags for poor team performances this season and ordered the squad to a training camp away from any distractions. “We went to the [training] base, because women in football are a scourge,” he explained, skating adroitly around any charges of rank misogyny, before losing his balance and falling spectacularly backwards into them. “They do not understand that men need to work, that they have a hard job to do.”Fifa is to review the %26#163;3.3m pay-off given to its former general secretary, Urs Linsi. President Sepp Blatter is reported to be angered by the amount because football’s governing body had renewed Linsi’s contract only months before his departure.Wales’s non-existent hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 have been dealt a mild tap with the handle-end of a heavy screwdriver now that hip-knack has ruled Wolves goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey out of their qualifying games against Cyprus and San Marino.And the DVLA expects ‘WE57 HAM’ to fetch a near-record price for poncy personalised number plates when it is auctioned later this month. With a reserve price of %26#163;4,000, it will need to top the %26#163;36,000 that someone paid for ‘AR53 NAL’ in 2004.* * * * * * * * * *FIVER LETTERS”Re. an address for Lee Sharpe fan mail (Friday’s Fiver letters). I’m not sure where Jemma will find Lee’s web page, but she might find Lee himself in the VIP section of the Palace disco in Manchester, where he spent most of his ‘playing days’ at the MU Rowdies” - Anthony Hassall.”BBC 6-0-6 was already bad, but I didn’t think they’d stoop so low as to lift straight from The Fiver. See for yourselves” - Damien Neva.”Re. Carl Weathers/Billy Dee Williams/Blade (Fivers passim). So who was the black guy in the A-Team?” - Paul Bockett-Pugh.”The sort-of return of TV %26 Radio (Friday’s Fiver) brought back fond memories, but left some unanswered questions: What time does Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy start? And can you get it as a podcast these days?” - Chris Bond. [Gilroy no longer presents Off the Ball since being 'promoted' to Newstalk 106FM's breakfast show. On his occasional visits to London he drinks in the Hawley Arms, the Camden local of fellow celebrities Amy Winehouse, Peaches Geldof, Johnny Borrell and Noel Fielding. Gilroy's changed - Media In-Joke Ed.]“Re. the sort-of return of TV and radio. Gentlemen, please don’t toy with my emotions. If a girl who broke my heart six months ago suddenly called one day just to have a chat, I’d expect her to keep calling. Or else I’d say she’s a selfish cow who’s messing with my head” - Chris Giles.”I can see that 20 Benson %26 Hedges (Friday’s England squad) causing problems for the opposition: heart attacks, lung cancer, strokes, bronchitis, emphysema, leukaemia, cataracts, pneumonia, cancers of the cervix, kidney, pancreas and stomach, blocked blood vessels, impotency and blindness” - Richard Cassar, from atop his high horse.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.* * * * * * * * * * *’YORK, ORIGINALLY’

Tags: ajax, avram grant, boss, cars, cate, chelsea, euro 2008, flavour, ford, henk, hero, hiddink, job, lampard, pace, rotterdam, rumours, sam allardyce, steve clarke, ten cate

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Political tensions at Stamford Bridge may be re-emerging. Where once Jose Mourinho’s Portuguese faction faced a Dutch-Danish group headed by Arnesen, it appears there may now be Israeli - as represented by Grant and the agent Pini Zahavi - and Dutch-Danish interests.Chelsea yesterday reissued a statement from Roman Abramovich’s Moscow office that had been released after Mourinho’s departure last month. “Information that Mr Abramovich is preparing to, or already has, offered Guus Hiddink a management post at Chelsea is untrue,” it read. “On the contrary, Mr Abramovich is very pleased the Russian Football Union has offered to renew Mr Hiddink’s contract until 2010.”Hiddink’s agent, Cees van Nieuwenhuizen, refused to comment beyond reiterating that he remained in talks with the Russian federation. One Chelsea insider said that Grant would be the club’s manager “for years to come”.Ten Cate has not been offered a job and no approach has been made to Ajax. It is believed the Dutch club have a succession plan that would see the Holland coach, Marco van Basten, installed. They would not stand in Ten Cate’s way if he left.Sources say Abramovich is determined to ensure Chelsea remain at the top of the English game. “He’ll do whatever it takes to make it work,” said one insider. “He wanted rid of Jose Mourinho because it was all about Jose Mourinho; he’d had enough of that. He knew it would be unpopular but he has never been more determined to make it right: his reputation is at stake.”The way he was celebrating the goals [in the 2-1 win in Valencia] on Wednesday night shows that Chelsea still means the world to him.”

Tags: ajax, cate, chelsea, ford, hiddink, job, marco van basten, roman abramovich, ten cate, zahavi

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“Information that Mr Abramovich is preparing to, or already has, offered Guus Hiddink a management post at Chelsea is untrue,” read the statement. “On the contrary, Mr Abramovich is very pleased the Russian Football Union has offered to renew Mr Hiddink’s contract until 2010. Thanks to Mr Hiddink the Russian national team has become more exciting and solid, giving hope for achieving serious success on both the European and international levels.”Earlier today Chelsea had confirmed Grant’s plans to strengthen his backroom team. Grant, basking in Chelsea’s impressive Champions League victory away to Valencia, is considering having a foreign assistant coach to work alongside Steve Clarke. Reports suggest the Ajax coach Henk ten Cate is the person Grant has in mind, some claiming he too has met with Chelsea technical director Frank Arnesen, but it is Grant who is currently shaping Chelsea’s future.Earlier the Blues released a statement which read: “Chelsea first-team coach Avram Grant has made it publicly clear several times that he intends to strengthen his backroom team in addition to his assistant coach Steve Clarke. One of the scenarios Avram is considering is a team containing a British assistant coach in Steve and a foreign assistant coach, a system the first team are already familiar with.”For his part, Hiddink has always been been quick to play down any suggestions that he is heading for Stamford Bridge and only last week was quoted as saying he had told Abramovich he wanted to concentrate on getting the national team to the Euro 2008 finals. Russia are two points behind second-placed England in Group E with three games left and face Steve McClaren’s side in Moscow in two weeks. Hiddink’s current deal with the Russian Football Federation is understood to expire next year but he has previously said he was going to extend it until 2010 whether or not they qualified for next year’s major tournament.Meanwhile, Chelsea captain John Terry has declared himself fit for England’s Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia. Terry, who led Chelsea to victory over Valencia in the Champions League last night wearing a face mask to protect the cheekbone he fractured against Fulham five days earlier, said: “I am definitely going to be ready for England. I’m fit now and no excuses.”It was OK playing in the mask. I got used to it in training and didn’t have any problems at all. As long as I am wearing my mask in games it is going to full protect me. I just have to be careful.”

Tags: ajax, assistant coach, avram grant, cate, champion, champions league, chelsea, euro 2008, europe, ford, henk, hiddink, job, john terry, liar, steve clarke, team coach, ten cate

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Look, the Fiver’s only copying Milan keeper Dida, who flopped to the floor after a drunken goon brushed (nay, stroked) the Brazilian’s cheek towards the end of last night’s Big Cup game. If Dida was hoping to distract attention from the fact that he was at fault for all three THIS TEA-TIME EMAIL IS FADING OUT! IT’S FADING! goals he conceded it didn’t work because now everyone knows he’s a cheat as well as incompetent.And it’s not just the Fiver that thinks so, cheque CAN’T FEEL MY CHEEK! so cold, so … very … cold out the quotes from today’s Italian press: “Three interventions and two errors (on the two goals): disastrous is the only possible adjective,” biffs the Gazzetta dello Sport. “An imbecile pitch invader caressed Dida and he left on a stretcher. Come on…” pows the Corriere della Sera. And on the Gazzetta website, 87% of fans think Milan should discipline Dida.Of course, being a responsible tea-time email, we’re obliged to point out that the idiot who pranced on to the field - he was banned for life from Queen’s Celtic Park today - shouldn’t have been there of course, and Uefa has launched an investigation which will presumably involve a panel of well-fed men giggling at a 6ft 5in athlete being felled by Benny Hill’s body-double. The Queen’s Celtic have no recent history of trouble in Europe, unlike in Scotland - their supporters won a Uefa fair-play award in 2003 - so they’re unlikely to face a points deduction, but they could still receive a big fine or play a game behind closed doors or get sent to bed without any supper.Gordon Strachan might want to start clutching his wee legs in agony and rolling about on the floor right about now.* * * * * * * * * * * *QUOTE OF THE DAY”Thank you, thank you, thank you … for buying Nathan Ellington” - West Brom fan Frank Skinner endears himself to his audience at the Watford Palace Theatre.*********************HIDDINK LINKED WITH JOB, PROMPTING FIVER TO DUST OFF TRUSTY OLD “GOING DUTCH” HEADLINEIt’s not our fault. If anyone’s to blame for the fact that we’re only allowed to tell you about the least interesting of the four scurrilous rumours concerning well-known sports folk that we’ve heard today, it’s those senile bewigged beaks who passed this country’s draconian libel laws. We know you’d rather hear that [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers] has fathered a not-as-secret-as-he’d-like lovechild with [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers]. And we’d love to give you the skinny on [Snip! - Fiver lawyers] sneaking off behind [Snip! - Fiver lawyers]’s back to have knee-tremblers with [Snip! - Fiver lawyers], [Snip! - Fiver lawyers] and the Fiver lawyers in the middle of a bustling Plymouth thoroughfare.But because those overly cautious briefs are peering over our shoulder as we type with scissors poised and a shotgun pointing at the base of our skull, it’s more than our job’s worth to reveal anything more sordid or salacious than the news that, come the end of November, Guus Hiddink will be quitting his job as the manager of the Russia football team, owned by Roman Abramovich, to take over as the manager of Chelsea football team, owned by Roman Abramovich.And how do we know this? Because we read it in Lahn’s Lah’n E’nin’ Stannah, whose reporters read it in Dutch newspaper De Pers, which means it must be true. Why, just this morning De Pers revealed that Hiddink has already secretly agreed to replace Avram Grant as manager at Chelsea. “De internationale autosportfederatie FIA onderzoekt de rol van McLaren-coureur Lewis Hamilton bij een crash tussen Mark Webber (Red Bull) en Sebastian Vettel (Toro Rosso) tijdens de race in Japan,” it thundered.But while he may be determined to remain in charge of Russia until their hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 officially hit the skids, Hiddink has already started to assemble the coaching team. Ajax manager Henk ten Cate will be appointed to a senior coaching role and will be one of three assistants working under Guus. “De 18-jarige Nederlandse was een tweede ronde niet opgewassen tegen Nadia Petrova,” revealed De Pers. “De als zevende geplaatste Russische gunde Krajicek maar vier games: 6-1, 6-3.”And if any further proof is needed that Hiddink’s move to Stamford Bridge is as good as a done deal, have a look at this quote from Roman Abramovich’s henchmen that was issued mere seconds before we sent out today’s Fiver. “Information that Mr Abramovich is preparing to, or already has, offered Guus Hiddink a management post at Chelsea is untrue,” it read. So there you have it - whatever about Dutch newspapers, if the Chelsea propaganda machine is denying something, then it’s almost certainly true.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLThe Special One wants to know which of Real Madrid or Milan’s suits are more readily prepared to bow to his every whim.It’s a race from the blocks for Wolves goalkeeper Wayne Hennessy, with Fulham, Aston Villa and Human Rights FC leading the charge.And Crewe are mooting a move for goal-shy Hull “striker” Michael Bridges.* * * * * * * * * *IT’S LOVEJOY! (A SERIES DEVOTED TO GEMS FROM TIM LOVEJOY’S NEW BOOK: LOVEJOY ON FOOTBALL)”I suddenly realised the sort of power you possess on TV and radio to mercilessly slaughter footballers, who are just trying to do their job, sometimes in very difficult circumstances, and all they get is the usual negative spin from the media. I started analysing this a lot more and I began to see the hypocrisy of some fat journalist saying Beckham had lost it, or some moderately talented ex-pro criticising a player in his newspaper column. I decided I was not going to be part of the whole circus and was determined to rise above it all and get people enjoying their football again.” Continues tomorrow.* * * * * * * * * * *STILL WANT MORE?Comedy wardrobe malfunctions aside, Zinedine Kilbane is one of the most underrated players out there, says Paul Doyle.Now that the Eurodisney League’s finest have won a couple of games in Big Cup, Scott Murray reckons Scotland can win Euro 2008. No, seriously.Rod Wallace humbling Spurs and QPR coming back from four goals down? It can only be Classic YouTube.”As is customary for men under strain, Roman Abramovich chose to spend some time in his Shed last weekend” - Page 12 stunna Marina Hyde talks Chelsea.And in tomorrow’s %26#163;0.80 Big Paper: our crack team of film critics rate Ian Curtis biopic Control; If… gives way to The Perry Bible Fellowship; and all the reaction to Tottenham’s Euro Va … sorry, you don’t care about Euro Vase, do you? Neither do we.* * * * * * * * * * *NEWS IN BRIEFDerby boss Billy Davies reckons his charges will avoid relegation despite their poor start to the season. “We will become more familiar with our surroundings and achieve what we have to achieve - which is consolidation,” och-ayed Davies, glueing wings to a passing swine.Michael Carrick has been ruled out for up to six weeks after suffering elbow-snap during the MU Rowdies’ Big Cup win over Roma on Tuesday.Midfielder Fausto Pinto ensured Pachuca made a dignified exit from the Copa Sudamericana, pulling America defender Jose Antonio Castro’s hair to spark a major brawl in the dying stages of their first-round defeat. Two players were sent of as Pachuca - who won the tournament last year - crashed out 4-3 on aggregate.And LA Galaxy coach Frank Yallop reckons David Beckham is “not ready” for England’s Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia. “He’s not played a competitive game,” droned the soccerball trainer, to a deafening sigh of relief from the English nation.* * * * * * * * * *FIVER LETTERS”Rafa Benitez’s increasingly bizarre team selection policy reminds me of my five-month-old Jack Russell terrier playing in the garden. I’ve bought him a large amount of diverse and expensive toys but he constantly seems overwhelmed by the choice, uses most of the toys incorrectly and invariably ends up chewing one of my shoes or chasing his own tail” - Frank Joyce.”Re. It’s Lovejoy (yesterday’s Fiver)! Tim’s showing his age. Whenever I tell anyone I support Forest I get them rolling around the floor with laughter. Followed by pity” - Bill Iliffe.”It’s good to see the autobiography part of the Fiver has been revived. The latest certainly seems to be up to the standard. I note that Lovejoy seems like a very cool guy, as he didn’t bother much with college. Please keep the extracts coming” - Alex W.”Re. Apollo Creed flying the Millennium Falcon (yesterday’s Fiver). Dear oh dear. Get your tin hats on lads, this might get messy” - Martin McQuaid.”Are you deliberately making mistakes in order to get people to write in? Apollo Creed was of course played by Carl Weathers; Lando Calrissian was played by Billy Dee Williams. Given that the Fiver readership demographic is probably pretty similar to the Star Wars viewer demographic (ie lonely, sweaty men - myself included), I would imagine there’s going to be a few more than 1,057 people pointing this out” - Mathew Richards (and 1,058 others).”Please explain how you get from Apollo Creed (played by Carl Weathers) to Millennium Falcon pilot Lando Calrissian (played by Billy Dee Williams) without using the phrase ‘they all look the same’. Shame on you Fiver” - Gilly.”While I’m sure you’ll get many outraged letters regarding the Fiver not being able to tell the difference between two black American actors, I choose to take offence at your appalling lack of Star Wars knowledge” - Rick Liebling.”You just do these things to test us don’t you?” - Eddie Layland.”Re: Petr Cech and John Terry. Where was the Fiver’s repertoire of Batman and Robin jokes?” - Pav Anwar.”Re. Fiver Ed’s bewilderment at Oliver Daly’s team’s ability to finish 27th and 28th in the g@y World Cup (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Am I about to be joined by 1,056 others if I point out that it may have had something to do with him playing for both sides?” - Phil Bowman (and five others).”Just to clear up the confusion, we had two teams in the competition: Leftfooters and Leftovers, who finished 27th and 28th respectively after losing our knockout games before anyone else” - Oliver Daly.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.* * * * * * * * * * *CAKE WILL TEAR US APART!

Tags: ajax, avram grant, boss, cate, chelsea, euro 2008, europe, ford, hats, henk, hiddink, job, john terry, journalist, liar, michael carrick, real madrid, roman abramovich, romp, rumours, ten cate

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