Findcate

The latest chapter of the greatest adventure of all time comes to DVD and Blu-ray on November 10th 2008 packed with sensational behind-the-scenes special features.

The highest-grossing instalment of the phenomenally popular adventure franchise, Paramount Pictures and Lucasfilm Ltd’s Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will make its highly anticipated debut on DVD and Blu-ray November 10th.

Directed by Steven Spielberg and produced by Frank Marshall, with George Lucas and Kathleen Kennedy as executive producers, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the newest adventure in the phenomenally successful Indiana Jones series.

Set in 1957, the film stars Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf, Ray Winstone and John Hurt and follows Indy on a perilous adventure to find the coveted Crystal Skull of Akator. From the ivy-covered halls of Marshall College to the verdant jungles of South America, Indy is relentlessly pursued by sinister Soviet agents who will stop at nothing to get their hands on the eerie object of fascination.

Tags: cate blanchett, crystal skull, executive producers, frank marshall, harrison ford, indiana jones series, instalment, john hurt, jungles, karen allen, kathleen kennedy, lucasfilm, lucasfilm ltd, marshall college, paramount pictures, perilous adventure, ray winstone, shia labeouf, soviet agents, steven spielberg

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In the final scene of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, released in 1989, Steven Spielberg has his iconic bullwhip-wielding, snake-hating archaeologist and all the major characters literally ride off into the sunset. “I had no doubts that the curtain was lowering on the series,” recalls the director. Neither did Harrison Ford.

The new instalment also brings back Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen), Dr Jones’s object of desire in the first film in the series. New to the cast is the Transformers star Shia LaBeouf, as a leather-jacketed sidekick with a not so accidental resemblance to Marlon Brando in The Wild One.

Then, of course, there is Ford – in Spielberg’s view the secret weapon that allowed the series to become so popular. “I remember the day they sent the costume home to see where we would have to adjust and change sizes,” recalls Ford. “I had not worn it for 18 years, but when I put it on it felt like a glove. And I felt immediately ready to go.”

Ford, 65, is not a method actor or someone who enjoys intellectualising his work. He loves his 800-acre ranch in Wyoming. He loves to fly his private fleet of aeroplanes. And throughout his career he has not tried to hide his distaste for the ritual of meeting with the press.

It makes the actor uncomfortable. He also avoids all mention of his private life, including his relationship with the actress Calista Flockhart. When I met him recently in Beverly Hills a few days before his departure for this week’s Cannes International Film Festival, where Crystal Skull will be presented on Sunday, he allows himself some glimpses of introspection, something he does not do often in public.

Tags: acre ranch, actress, archaeologist, bullwhip, calista flockhart, cannes, cannes international film festival, cate, crystal skull, distaste, dr jones, ford, harrison ford, indiana jones, indiana jones and the last crusade, instalment, karen allen, last crusade, marion ravenwood, marlon brando, method actor, object of desire, private fleet, secret weapon, shia labeouf, spielberg, steven spielberg, whip, wild one

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THE State Government has sought leave to appeal against a court
decision that awarded a year 11 student more than $80,000 in a
landmark discrimination case.
It is the latest instalment in a nine-year battle that resulted
in the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal finding the
Education Department had discriminated against Rebekah Turner by
failing to provide classroom help for her. Rebekah, 16, has a
severe language disorder and learning disability.
The department’s appeal against the decision in May was
dismissed.
Last month, The Age revealed that the tribunal’s deputy
president, Cate McKenzie, had ordered the department pay Rebekah
$82,000 compensation, as well as provide a full-time teacher’s
aide, remedial tuition and an individual learning plan for the rest
of her time at school.
But the Government, which has employed city law firm Maddocks to
represent it, sought leave to appeal against the decision in the
Supreme Court on Thursday.
If the Government wins the appeal, Rebekah could not only lose
the compensation, but the classroom help ordered by the tribunal as
she starts her VCE at Ringwood Secondary College.
“I can’t imagine the effect on Becky if the assistance she is
receiving was taken away during her VCE,” Access Law
anti-discrimination consultant Julie Phillips said. “It would be
disastrous.”
Access Law principal solicitor Gabriel Kuek urged the Government
to accept decision. He said the litigation had cost both sides
about $1 million so far. “Further litigation at a cost that
exceeded the value of the remedies ordered would be an inexcusable
waste of community resources,” he said.
Rebekah’s mother, Anja, said she was distressed at the
Government’s request for an appeal.
“Every time our family thinks this is over, the Department of
Education tries to overturn decisions in our favour,” she said.
“This is causing our family an enormous amount of stress.”
A department spokeswoman confirmed the application but said it
was inappropriate to comment while the case was before the court.
It could take up to six weeks for the court to decide whether the
appeal will go ahead.

Tags: cate, instalment, spokeswoman

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THE State Government has sought leave to appeal against a court
decision that awarded a year 11 student more than $80,000 in a
landmark discrimination case.
It is the latest instalment in a nine-year battle that resulted
in the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal finding the
Education Department had discriminated against Rebekah Turner by
failing to provide classroom help for her. Rebekah, 16, has a
severe language disorder and learning disability.
The department’s appeal against the decision in May was
dismissed.
Last month, The Age revealed that the tribunal’s deputy
president, Cate McKenzie, had ordered the department pay Rebekah
$82,000 compensation, as well as provide a full-time teacher’s
aide, remedial tuition and an individual learning plan for the rest
of her time at school.
But the Government, which has employed city law firm Maddocks to
represent it, sought leave to appeal against the decision in the
Supreme Court on Thursday.
If the Government wins the appeal, Rebekah could not only lose
the compensation, but the classroom help ordered by the tribunal as
she starts her VCE at Ringwood Secondary College.
“I can’t imagine the effect on Becky if the assistance she is
receiving was taken away during her VCE,” Access Law
anti-discrimination consultant Julie Phillips said. “It would be
disastrous.”
Access Law principal solicitor Gabriel Kuek urged the Government
to accept decision. He said the litigation had cost both sides
about $1 million so far. “Further litigation at a cost that
exceeded the value of the remedies ordered would be an inexcusable
waste of community resources,” he said.
Rebekah’s mother, Anja, said she was distressed at the
Government’s request for an appeal.
“Every time our family thinks this is over, the Department of
Education tries to overturn decisions in our favour,” she said.
“This is causing our family an enormous amount of stress.”
A department spokeswoman confirmed the application but said it
was inappropriate to comment while the case was before the court.
It could take up to six weeks for the court to decide whether the
appeal will go ahead.

Tags: cate, instalment, spokeswoman

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• Standards lacking for water

THE State Government has sought leave to appeal against a court
decision that awarded a year 11 student more than $80,000 in a
landmark discrimination case.
It is the latest instalment in a nine-year battle that resulted
in the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal finding the
Education Department had discriminated against Rebekah Turner by
failing to provide classroom help for her. Rebekah, 16, has a
severe language disorder and learning disability.
The department’s appeal against the decision in May was
dismissed.
Last month, The Age revealed that the tribunal’s deputy
president, Cate McKenzie, had ordered the department pay Rebekah
$82,000 compensation, as well as provide a full-time teacher’s
aide, remedial tuition and an individual learning plan for the rest
of her time at school.
But the Government, which has employed city law firm Maddocks to
represent it, sought leave to appeal against the decision in the
Supreme Court on Thursday.
If the Government wins the appeal, Rebekah could not only lose
the compensation, but the classroom help ordered by the tribunal as
she starts her VCE at Ringwood Secondary College.
“I can’t imagine the effect on Becky if the assistance she is
receiving was taken away during her VCE,” Access Law
anti-discrimination consultant Julie Phillips said. “It would be
disastrous.”
Access Law principal solicitor Gabriel Kuek urged the Government
to accept decision. He said the litigation had cost both sides
about $1 million so far. “Further litigation at a cost that
exceeded the value of the remedies ordered would be an inexcusable
waste of community resources,” he said.
Rebekah’s mother, Anja, said she was distressed at the
Government’s request for an appeal.
“Every time our family thinks this is over, the Department of
Education tries to overturn decisions in our favour,” she said.
“This is causing our family an enormous amount of stress.”
A department spokeswoman confirmed the application but said it
was inappropriate to comment while the case was before the court.
It could take up to six weeks for the court to decide whether the
appeal will go ahead.

Tags: cate, instalment, spokeswoman

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Tragically, even if he does, the family%26rsquo;s ordeal will be far from over.
Ishwar Gidwani%26rsquo;s dream of a better life for his family has turned into a nightmare for the husband and father of two.
Eight months ago, optimistic about the life they intended creating together, the family%26rsquo;s life changed dramatically.
They left India to make a new life in New Zealand.
But on Auckland Anniversary Day Mr Gidwani, 43, collapsed from a mammoth heart attack.
Doctors at Auckland hospital held little hope for his survival, giving him a 10 percent chance of recovery.
A hospital report dated January 29 states that he is critically ill, that a significant amount of his heart muscle has died and he is on maximum treatment.
Dr Paul Gardiner said there were no other therapies available to help him.
The next day the Mt Wellington man was in cardiogenic shock.
Machines breathed for him, a balloon pump kept his heart going, and he needed kidney dialysis.
Mr Gidwani slowly describes the events of that day.
Speaking is difficult and he tires easily.
He remembers severe indigestion that would come and go over a number of hours.
When he developed pain in his arm, his wife Lajwanti called a friend who insisted on taking him to the doctor.
He never made it.
%26quot;I blacked out in the car. Next thing I knew I was waking up in hospital with two stents in my heart,%26quot; he says.
%26quot;Two weeks later staff admitted they thought I was dead when they first saw me. They wondered why my family was sitting, talking to me.%26quot;
But Mr Gidwani was not ready to leave. He says he had every reason in the world to fight for his life.
Kareena, nearly six years old, wants to rest her head on her dad%26rsquo;s shoulder but she%26rsquo;s worried she will hurt him.
But her smile says it all.
%26quot;At least now she has stopped asking if he is dead,%26quot; Mrs Gidwani says.
Karan, 13, had become withdrawn and depressed while waiting for his dad to recover. Now, he says he simply has no words for how happy he is that his dad is %26quot;back%26quot;.
The family%26rsquo;s battle does not end there.
Mr Gidwani had been working shifts at a petrol station since his arrival to provide for his family while his wife was studying. Sometimes he%26rsquo;d work extra hours.
Conditions of her study permit only allow her to work 20 hours a week, and with considerable recovery still ahead of him, Mr Gidwani no longer has an income.
The bill for saving his life rests at $60,130. The family do not have health insurance and the hospital bill is due.
While the Gidwanis do not have enough words of gratitude for the prompt and professional medical treatment that ensured their family stayed together, they don%26rsquo;t have the money to cover the bills.
Paying rent is a challenge at the moment. So is school, petrol and food.
Aside from Deepak Jeswani, the friend who called the ambulance from his cellphone while driving them to the doctor, the family know very few people.
At the time of her husband%26rsquo;s heart attack, Mrs Gidwani had not found part-time employment.
She has now. But she is also nursing her husband at home while needing to provide and be there for the children.
%26quot;He has always been healthy,%26quot; Mrs Gidwani says. %26quot;The cause could only be the stress of our move, finances and his long work hours. Now, he is lying in bed, worrying about causing these bills and what to do about it, but he cannot do anything, not until he is better.%26quot;
Mr Gidwani asked to be discharged as soon as possible to prevent incurring further costs.
Despite an almost miraculous recovery, he was still barely able to walk or talk when he left the hospital for bed rest at home. It was a desperate move.
Last week he was rushed back to the hospital by ambulance again.
This time his stay was for two days to adjust his medication.
Mr Jeswani says his friend is a good man and has a solid family.
%26quot;For them to ask for help is unthinkable, but so is their situation.
%26quot;We are hoping that New Zealanders are able to open their hearts and help in any way they can,%26quot; Mr Jeswani says.
%26quot;Paying off this bill is as important to them as Mr Gidwani%26rsquo;s recovery.%26quot;
Mrs Gidwani is working with the hospital to try to organise paying the bill in instalments.
- The family is welcoming donations from anyone willing to contribute to Mr Gidwani%26rsquo;s hospital bill.
Donations can be made at any Westpac Bank or online %26ndash; account holder Ishwar Gidwani, account number 030 227 054 6614 000.

Tags: Food, instalment, romp, s hospital, smile, zeal

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My son and daughter, 23 and 21 respectively, having grown up in a culture of woeful onscreen hygiene, insist that I am delusional, that my obsession with the putative ubiquity of celluloid regurgitation is fanciful and precious. Their attitude is: there isn’t nearly as much puking in films as you think. Cary Grant probably puked in the director’s cut of North by Northwest, but it got cut out of the final print - and even if there is a lot of puking, who cares? My wife, who only watches superb foreign films, insists that Catherine Deneuve, Isabelle Huppert and Emmanuelle B%26eacute;art have never appeared in a film besmirched by the spectre of upchuck.Last week, to prove them all wrong, I rented five movies, selected entirely at random, whose only common trait was that they looked as if they might be entertaining. All but one was released in the past year. I did not insist that my family watch the films, but each time vomiting occurred, I strode into the living room and declared triumphantly: “Puking scene! Aha!” The first was Ocean’s Thirteen, which contains not one, but two scenes featuring a hotel inspector heaving his guts out. The second was Shrek the Third, which contains a scene where a baby spews all over the protagonist. Days of Glory, winner of a French C%26eacute;sar award, and nominated for the Academy award as best foreign picture last year, contains a highly believable puking scene, disproving my wife’s theory that French-language films are nausea-proof. Equally spew-worthy was The Ghost, the 12,356th Asian horror film about a dead girl seeking revenge on her schoolmates because they were not very nice to her. Technically speaking, The Ghost does not involve vomit per se; instead, two different characters spit up what appears to be the entire contents of the South China sea while waiting for the generic dead little girl - on temporary leave from The Ring - to part her black hair and transfix them with her evil eye, as if anyone didn’t see that coming.The fifth film I rented for my little experiment was The Good German, which, though not very good, is noticeably devoid of puke. On the other hand, it does contain a scene in which Tobey Maguire gets his face jammed into the toilet in retaliation for being insufficiently forthcoming to his interrogators. To me, any attempt to separate puking into a toilet bowl from getting your face stuffed into a toilet bowl is to draw a distinction without a difference. I am sure Tobey Maguire feels the same way.By the time my unpleasant experiment was over, my family could no longer ignore the validity of my thesis. Its inexorable truth was further reinforced when my wife returned from a screening of I’m Not There. When asked if anyone puked in the movie, she curtly replied: “Of course. Cate Blanchett pukes. But you should have seen last night’s instalment of House. One man started puking, and then the entire plane was puking. The Cate Blanchett scene was mild by comparison.”So there you have it. They’re puking in award-winning Franco-Algerian films. They’re puking in mainstream animated films. They’re puking in Steven Soderbergh films, they’re puking in Korean horror movies, they’re puking in spellbinding indie features about enigmatic rock stars, and now they’re even puking in iconoclastic TV series. It’s starting to look like this vomiting thing is getting completely out of hand.But maybe it’s just me.

Tags: attitude, cate, cate blanchett, instalment, shrek the third

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Help!

(Richard Lester, 1965) 7.50pm, BBC2This follow-up to A Hard Day’s Night has those four lovable mop-top Beatles boys embroiled in a zany comedy about the tussle for a sacred, far-eastern ring that lands up on Ringo’s finger - so he’s Frodo in Lads Of The Ring, then. A silly, joyful mix of laughs and of course, music, including the title song and Ticket To Ride.Elizabeth

(Shekhar Kapur, 1998) 9.05pm, Channel 4With Kapur’s sequel, Elizabeth: The Golden Age imminent, here’s his account of the young Elizabeth I’s rise to the throne. It may not be entirely accurate but it’s a convincing picture of a dangerous time, when courtly intrigue was conducted with whispers in dark, stony corridors, and the cold strike of the stiletto. Cate Blanchett’s Elizabeth is a fiery monarch reminiscent of Bette Davis in her regal authority, but rather more engaging. This is history done with real dash.5×2

(Francois Ozon, 2004) 1.35am, Channel 4Initially the reverse chronology appears a trite cinematic device, but gradually it becomes a surprisingly powerful means of opening up the pain and poignancy of a marriage gone wrong. Val%26eacute;ria Bruni-Tedeschi and St%26eacute;phane Freiss are the unhappy couple, followed through five essential scenes, from their divorce to their first meeting at a seaside resort: an intense and moving drama.Sunday October 28Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

(George Lucas, 1977) 4.25pm, ITV1When it was released a long, long time ago we knew this first instalment of Lucas’s space saga simply as Star Wars; now we know the New Hope referred to the director’s dream of a world enslaved by his merchandising empire. Still, it was a terrific adventure, pitting Luke Skywalker (a fresh-faced Mark Hamill), Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) and space maverick Han Solo (a little known Harrison Ford) against Darth Vader and the Empire.James And The Giant Peach

(Henry Selick, 1996) 5.15pm, FiveIt is a peach too, with Selick giving free rein to a typically macabre and marvellous Roald Dahl fantasy. It starts in “real life”, with little James (Paul Terry) given a bag of something magic by old Pete Postlethwaite; soon he’s tipped into an animated world where the giant peach is home to a wacky bug family.The Ninth Gate

(Roman Polanski, 1999) 9pm, FivePolanski once made one of the definitive modern horror movies in Rosemary’s Baby and this is an occult thriller in similarly rich-blooded vein. Johnny Depp stars as an antiquarian book dealer hired by Frank Langella to find the ancient tomes that will summon Satan: an intelligent gothic chiller.Sirens

(John Duigan, 1994) 11.20pm, BBC1Hugh Grant does his bumbling Englishman, an Oxford-%26eacute;migr%26eacute; vicar stumbling into a little local difficulty in his Outback parish. Artist Sam Neill wants to exhibit his erotic Crucified Venus at the church exhibition; Parson Grant and wife Tara Fitzgerald try to dissuade him, but fall under the spell of the sirens - the artist’s nude models (including Elle Macpherson and Arrested Development’s Portia De Rossi).Dor

(Nagesh Kukunoor, 2006) 1.30am, Channel 4This absorbing drama provides strong, contrasting roles for two talented young actresses: Gul Kirat Panag is a headstrong Muslim woman, courted in the mountains by dashing Rushad Rana; Ayesha Takia is a more traditional Hindu wife living in the desert. Their lives become linked by a fatal incident, but Kukunoor cleverly subverts the dictates of Bollywood convention.Monday October 29The Four Feathers

(Zoltan Korda, 1939) 1.15pm, Channel 4A rip-roaring adventure based on AEW Mason’s novel and showing that the Brits could swash a Technicolor buckle as well as Hollywood. John Clements is the young chap not at all tickled to receive four white feathers, the symbol of cowardice; he dashes off to the Sudanese war to prove himself a hero.Me And You And Everyone We Know

(Miranda July, 2005) 11.40pm, Channel 4July’s debut feature is an original and perceptive study of lonely LA lives led by shoe salesman John Hawkes who is struggling to raise two boys after his wife dumps him. July herself is the star turn, playing a struggling artist-cum-cab driver making tentative overtures towards him, in a funny, touching and melancholic account of the quest for love.The Diary Of A Chambermaid

(Jean Renoir, 1946) 1.25am, Channel 4It may lack the impact of Bunuel’s scabrous 1964 version, but this earlier adaptation of Octave Mirbeau’s novel, made by Renoir during his Hollywood years, is nevertheless an acid comedy of social manners. A blonde Paulette Goddard stars as the 19th century chambermaid whose sharp tongue unsettles the aristocratic household.Tuesday October 30Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea

(Irwin Allen, 1961) 1pm, BBC2Global warming? Walter Pidgeon’s Admiral Nelson has the answer in this lively, colourful sci-fi adventure. As commander of the nuclear submarine Seaview (a $400,000 creation that went on to star in the TV series) he simply lobs a few missiles at the fiery Van Allen radiation belt that is threatening to fry Earth and, hey presto, problem solved.The China Syndrome

(James Bridges, 1979) 1.10pm, Channel 4Very convincing, deeply disturbing tale of near-meltdown at a nuclear power station, Jack Lemmon’s noble foreman called on to save the day. The affair is being hushed up by embarrassed and shaken authorities, but Jane Fonda’s TV reporter and her cameraman Michael Douglas (who also produced) are on to the story.Best Seller

(John Flynn, 1987) 11.55pm, BBC1This very serviceable thriller features two of America’s most watchable character actors - Brian Dennehy and James Woods - in crunchy, grudging cooperation, with Dennehy as an ex-cop turned novelist who teams up with hitman Woods to acquire the raw material for his next bestseller.Wednesday October 31Hollywood Homicide

(Ron Shelton, 2003) 10pm, FiveA lacklustre thriller from the director of fine sporting romances Tin Cup, Bull Durham and all. Veteran cop Harrison Ford and junior cop Josh Hartnett are buddies trying to solve the mystery of the murdered rappers, while one sells property on the side and the other practises yoga and pursues an acting career. It’s formulaic and predictable, and Shelton needs to get back to sports stories fast - ping-pong, tiddlywinks, anything.Halloween

(John Carpenter, 1978) 11.25pm, BBC1Made for half a million dollars and raking in $50m, Carpenter’s shock-horror is a cult classic, spoilt only by the endless feeble sequels. Jamie Lee Curtis is the high school kid pitted against a teenies-killer in an Illinois town on Halloween night; Donald Pleasence plays psychiatrist Loomis (”The evil is loose!”), aiming to return his escaped psychopathic charge to the asylum. Carpenter handles the suspense and terror like a young Hitchcock.Ju-on: The Grudge

(Takashi Shimizu, 2003) 2.45am, Channel 4Shimizu’s efficiently chilly tale, since remade for Hollywood, is based on The Shining-type premise that a building can absorb a spirit of evil when terrible acts are committed in it (in this case the murder of a mother and child) and make life horrible for subsequent occupants. Megumi Okina is the hapless careworker who arrives at the seemingly ordinary building and sees a ghostly youngster - the harbinger of a series of well orchestrated, jittery horror scenes.Thursday November 1Penny Serenade

(George Stevens, 1941) 1.10pm, Channel 4In less skilled hands than George Stevens’, and with smaller talents than Cary Grant and Irene Dunne, this might have been a horribly sentimental affair, but instead it’s a glorious drama, a weepie that actually makes you weep. Grant and Dunne are a married couple dealing with the death of a baby.Cop Land

(James Mangold, 1997) 11.35pm, BBC1Garrison, New Jersey is a small town inhabited almost exclusively by New York cops, and for the gone-to-seed sheriff Sylvester Stallone life is easy. But then a murder brings in Internal Affairs man Robert De Niro, who makes it clear that many of these cops have gone bad, Harvey Keitel’s top dog in particular.Friday November 2The Caine Mutiny

(Edward Dmytryk, 1954) 12.30pm, Channel 4Dmytryck’s naval drama changes course rapidly from spectacular action to stolid court-martial confrontation, but it’s a shipshape movie for all that. Adapted from Herman Wouk’s Pulitzer prize-winning novel, it stars a visibly ailing Humphrey Bogart as the paranoid, deeply unlikable Captain Queeg, relieved of his command by his fellow officers.Drums Along The Mohawk

(John Ford, 1939) 1.30pm, BBC2A big year for Ford, 1939: he also made Stagecoach and Young Mr Lincoln. His first colour production, it’s set the American revolution and has wild country boy Henry Fonda introducing eastern bride Claudette Colbert to the fun of Injun’ fighting.The World Is Not Enough

(Michael Apted, 1999) 9pm, ITV1Pierce Brosnan’s third Bond mission. The megalomaniac of the day is Robert Carlyle, the Bond babes are Sophie Marceau’s oil heiress, Denise Richards’ nuclear physicist, and of course Judi Dench’s M - quite enough for even the most demanding 007 fans.

Tags: actress, carpenter, cate, cate blanchett, ford, george lucas, harrison ford, hero, hollywood, instalment, megalomania, pace, premise, rbi

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Still, the producers of The Unexpected Guest must have sympathy with Second-Choice Steve, who has also included tarnished goods in the squad for his latest showstopper, That Crucial Double-Header Against Estonia and Russia (Who Play On A Plastic Pitch, The Cheats!). Now, Lil’ Mickey Owen was in superb form until he got stomach and groin knack, but despite fears over his fitness Second-Choice has named the striker in the squad. “[Lil' Mick] says he is flying, feeling very, very good. If [Lil' Mick] is fit, [Lil' Mick] will play,” beamed Second-Choice today. “Hopefully he will be fit to play for Newcastle on Sunday.”Also included in the squad are a number of uncapped players including Joleon Lescott, Ashley Young and Dean Ashton, who will probably miss out on partnering Lil’ Mick now that Tabloid Wayne is back from his knack. But the really intriguing battle will be between Gareth Barry and Frank Lampard to see who plays with $tevie Mbe in midfield. The Fiver for one will be praying that Second-Choice sticks with Barry, who complemented Mbe so well against Russia and Israel earlier this month. And if Second-Choice takes a bit of convincing, the Fiver knows a man who’s got some of those special keyboards for sale.Full squad for England’s Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia: Robinson (Tottenham), James (Portsmouth), Carson (Liverpool, on loan at Aston Villa), Richards (Human Rights FC), Brown (MU Rowdies), Ferdinand (MU Rowdies), England’s Brave John Terry (Chelsea), A Cole (Chelsea), P Neville (Everton), Twenty Benson %26 Hedges (And A Box Of Matches), Campbell (Portsmouth), Lescott (Everton), Shorey (Reading), Wright-Phillips (Chelsea), Mbe (Liverpool), Barry (Aston Villa), J Cole (Chelsea), Downing (Middlesbrough), Lampard (Chelsea), Young (Aston Villa), Bentley (Blackburn), Lil’ Mickey (Newcastle), Tabloid Wayne (MU Rowdies), Emmerdale Eminem (Newcastle), Ashton (Bad Boys Inc), Defoe (Tottenham), Johnson (Everton), Crouchigol (Liverpool).* * * * * * * * * * * *QUOTE OF THE DAY”How’s she going to find another man? Everybody’s terrified of her! One look from her and you’re cut to pieces so I’m not sure she’s going to have too much luck” - Ian Holloway doesn’t think Anne Robinson’s going to be getting much loving now that she’s split from her husband.*********************A MORNING IN THE LIFE OF FIFA PRESIDENT SEPP BLATTER, AGED 7110am: Wake up to sound of chambermaid knocking on hotel-room door. Instruct her to come back in 30 minutes wearing tighter shorts.10.05am: Begin filling out expense forms to account for yesterday’s %26euro;500 per diem.10.07am: Hold on, I work for Fifa - there’s no need to account for yesterday’s %26euro;500 per diem.10.15am: Room service arrives! Tuck into eggs, bacon, sausages, black pudding, fried tomatoes, hash browns, toast and coffee. Yum-yum - that should keep me going until breakfast.10.30am: Take seat in hotel dining room and get stuck into breakfast of herrings, quail eggs, smoked salmon, pan-seared foie gras, glazed veal sweetbreads, roasted rump and baked breast of new season lamb, spit-roasted poulet de Bresse and a quart of lard.11.31am: Stand behind lectern to deliver briefing to world’s press. 11.32am: Take two steps to left so world’s press can see me.11.34am: Address first item on agenda - foreign players. Football clubs should be allowed to field no more than five non-nationals in their starting XIs because such a move would encourage the development of home-grown talent. “This has several advantages - it will increase the possibility of players educated in the club to have access to the first team. That can have a direct impact, as it will be much cheaper for a club if you have your own educated players.”11.35am: Attempt to hide irritation when pedantic hack from tea-timely English football email points out that such a move would contravene EU employment law. Argue that men who get paid up to %26#163;130,000-per-week in wages to play football “are not workers”.11.36am: Move on to second item on the agenda - foreign owners. “I think they are good for the game as long as the money comes from the right sources. This investment of money is what allows football to become so exciting.”11.37am: Instruct security to eject pedantic hack from tea-timely English football email who points out that this expensive excitement is more likely to be generated by mysterious foreigners who have mastered such difficult techniques as trapping a football before passing it to another foreigner.11.38am: Point out that there is no need for any fancy Brussels lawyers to interfere in this either. “Also we do not see a need for the EU to interfere in this.”11.55am: Marvel at own influence as employees from European Commission, European Parliament, Council of the European Union, European Council, European Court of Justice and European Central Bank realise their own uselessness and resign en masse, leaving Fifa to govern all 27 member states of the European Union. Immediately raise daily per diem rate to %26euro;5,000.*********************THE RUMOUR MILLSick of getting told off by his wife for canoodling with young ladies, Silvio Berlusconi’s started making eyes at Alessandro Del Piero instead.MU Rowdies-slayer Michael Mifsud is ready to make the step down from Coventry to Bolton.And the Fiver can’t imagine what heinous sins QPR must have committed in a previous life to merit today’s reports that Glenn Hoddle is about to become their new manager.* * * * * * * * * * *STILL WANT MORE?Rangers and Raith Rovers legend and former Trinidad and Tobago captain marvellous Marvin Andrews tells Small Talk why praying isn’t cheating.”My name is Benjie and I’m addicted to fantasy football” - with a loud thud, Benjie Goodhart hits rock-bottom and finally admits he has a problem.There are many ways to describe the latest instalment of Football Weekly Extra, but somehow “Barry Glendenning impersonating Mr T” seems best.Whatever you do, don’t say that Middlesbrough are too good to get relegated, begs Harry Pearson.And in tomorrow’s %26#163;1.50 Big Paper: people in smart clothes get shouty about elections; Crouchigol teaches Mickey Rourke the robot; and enough glossy supplements to crush even the sturdiest coffee table.* * * * * * * * * * *NEWS IN BRIEFUefa has opened an official investigation into the tender caress suffered by Milan keeper Dida at the hands of a fan during their Big Cup defeat to the Queen’s Celtic. A disciplinary body will consult reports from the match delegate and referee Markus Merk just as soon as they finish lunch.Ajax coach Henk ten Cate is as bored with speculation linking him to Chelsea as the rest of us. “I don’t want to say more about the speculation,” he yawned.Owen Hargreaves could be back in training within 10 days after a successful injection on his tendon-twang. “It may be a bit less than four weeks,” och-ayed Lord Ferg under his breath, so Second-Choice Steve wouldn’t hear.Houston Dynamo and USA! USA! USA! midfielder Ricardo Clark has been banned for nine games after giving FC Dallas forward Carlos Ruiz a stunningly violent shoeing as he lay on the ground during the two sides’ game on Sunday. Clark has also been fined $10,000 over the incident.And Milan’s Kaka has been named Fifpro World Player of the Year, an award voted for by more than 45,000 professional footballers. England’s Brave John Terry and $tevie Mbe were the only two English players to make the Fifpro World XI, though the Premier League had further representatives in Cristiano Ronaldo and Didier Drogba.* * * * * * * * * *FIVER LETTERS”People who are foolish enough not only to believe that the Fiver, in its wisdom, confused Carl Weathers and Billy Dee Williams, but to also then write in to complain need to get out more. It’s called comedy” - Simon Brown. [Ummm ... - Fiver Ed.]“Re. Gilly and his pathetic inability to recognise that there might be similarities in appearance between two black people. There’s a difference between the phrase ‘those two look the same’ and ‘they ALL look the same’” - Nick Redman.”It must be my age - I don’t remember Indiana Jones, the pilot of the Millennium Falcon, being black” - Jonathan Martin.”Re. Carl Weathers/Billy Dee Williams. Just to clear up any confusion, which one of these actors played Blade?” - Matt Wilson.”I’m actually in San Francisco attending a stage-fighting workshop with Carl Weathers. I’ll ask him if he’s as offended by your ‘error’ as the collection of Star Wars geeks and pinko liberal types currently venting their spleen in your direction. Afterwards, I’m hoping we’re gonna get a stew goin’ on!” - Neil McI.”According to Phil Bowman (and five others), Oliver Daly (Fiver letters passim) plays for both teams? Isn’t that a bit of an ignorant and somewhat crass assumption, given that he clearly stated his affiliation to just one team?” - Jon Rice.”Can you help me with finding a fan-mail address for Lee Sharpe? There don’t appear to be any web pages. Many thanks for your help” - Jemma N.”I feel I must write in to congratulate the Fiver on yesterday’s edition. I actually laughed out loud several times, something which hasn’t happened for quite a while. So, sincere congratulations to the authors of the letters in question” - James E.”I have been enthralled by your recent section devoted to extracts from Tim Lovejoy’s new book. Is he still on TV and radio? Perhaps still hosting a football-related show? If only the Fiver came with it’s own TV and radio schedule, located towards the end of the tea-time email, interspersed with snippets from hilarious anecdotes” - Alastair Slaven.Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.* * * * * * * * * *IT’S LOVEJOY! (A SERIES DEVOTED TO GEMS FROM TIM LOVEJOY’S NEW BOOK: LOVEJOY ON FOOTBALL)BBC1: Something for the Weekend (10am) “I have never been one of those people that wallows in nostalgia.Five: Fifth Gear (7.30pm) “The thing I get excited about is the here and now and the future.David Beckham’s Soccer USA (9pm) “When the season ends, for example, I count the days until the fixture list for the next season comes out and when the fixture list is released I count the days until the season starts.Sky Sports One: Soccer AM repeats (9am) “But when someone says, ‘Do you remember that League Cup tie four years ago?’Sky One: Tim Lovejoy and the Allstars (9pm) “I’m like ‘No, I’m really sorry but I don’t remember anything’.Deadwood (10pm) “So I’ve got a rotten memory. Does that make me a fraud?UK Gold: Lovejoy (7pm) “Does that make me a fake fan?Radio Five Live: 6-0-6 (6pm) “Of course not.”* * * * * * * * * * *MISPLACING YOUR GYM GEAR DOES NOT WARRANT A POLICE INVESTIGATION

Tags: ajax, boss, cars, cate, chelsea, euro 2008, europe, football club, football clubs, henk, indiana jones, instalment, john terry, lampard, owen hargreaves, pets, premier league, ten cate

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MOVE over news about war, poverty, elections, rate rises and floods. The latest headlines selling magazines, newspapers and appearing in nightly bulletins is much more important.

I’m referring to what seems to have become a national, if not global, obsession: celebrity pregnancies. From Christina Aguilera to Cate Blanchett and the Richie Rich of offspring %26ndash; the recently conceived Packer heir %26ndash; the unborn babies of the loaded and famous have become the most talked about item since Britney Spear’s last exploit. So what is it about Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, or Erica and James Packer, or Toni Collette and what’s-his-name, expecting that generates so much interest and apparently has the public waiting with bated breath for the next instalment in the trimester? Do we really care whether these people reproduce, or want to digest stories and pictures about the minutiae of what becomes nine interminably long months? Well, if sales of magazines %26ndash; as well as the ratings of programs dedicating airspace to forthcoming birth announcements, revelation of names and first glimpses of the blessed progeny %26ndash; are any indication, apparently we do care. Very much. Not only is pre- and post-natal celebrity gossip big business, with magazines and/or newspapers prepared to pay millions for exclusive photos of celebrity scions, it’s also lucrative. From speculation, to announcement, to birth, the media bleeds every inane moment out of a famous person’s pregnancy and then some. Media outlets pore over the anticipation, the emotion, the difficulties and joy %26ndash; in fact, every aspect that can be creatively reinterpreted for the reader, with the exception of the most obvious and intimate of moments. Though that didn’t stop one magazine editor exclaiming joyously that Kidman and Urban’s baby was most likely conceived in Australia . . . oh please. I would say, chances are, the baby, like many others, was most likely conceived in a bedroom. Why is it that being an expectant celebrity exempts them from some of the more negative aspects of child-bearing? Most pregnant celebrities manage to look incredibly glamorous, are devoid of stretch marks, excess hair, weight, drooping and sagging. Even their mood is described as being in a constant state of bliss. No mornings spent with heads in toilets for them. In all fairness, if a celebrity does slip out of the house appearing %26quot;ordinary%26quot;, then the paparazzi has a field day, and images of their fall from grace (ie. that is, looking like you and me), are beamed around the world to reassure us that their bed-of-roses life does have some thorns. Even so, rarely do we discover a celebrity suffering from post-natal depression, a prolapse of the uterus (despite one in three vaginal births resulting in this) or other more mundane ailments such as poor teeth and hair, and perpetual tiredness. A fairy godmother waves her serenity wand over the entire nine months plus, distinguishing celebrity motherhood as different from, and much better than, that experienced by mere mortals.

Parenthood is also different for these fabulously wealthy and privileged beings. Not only can they afford to take time out from their %26quot;horrendous%26quot; schedules to enjoy simply being %26quot;mum%26quot;, their bodies snap back into shape (with the help of chefs and trainers) and their nights are uninterrupted as the hired help rises to attend to the newborn. Now that’s fine, when your face and body are your ticket to success, but to suggest that this is %26quot;normal%26quot; and that we too can experience the pleasures of this kind of parenthood is completely unrealistic. Yet, keen to share their greatest and most rewarding role %26ndash; often divided among an army of employees %26ndash; these celebrities persist in maintaining the delusion that they’re just like us %26ndash; because they’ve given birth. Of course, the media is compliant in this, transforming the new celebrity mothers and fathers into role models first and, if they’re willing, parenting experts as well. Hauled through the talk circuit %26ndash; channelling Dr Phil McGraw %26ndash; these new parents opine long and loud about raising children . . . even if they’ve only been doing it for five minutes. No longer does mother or father know best %26ndash; the greatest teacher in the new millennium is the celebrity. The superstar appears to have become the yardstick by which we measure and set our expectations with relationships, looks, pregnancy, childbirth, and the list continues. Unlike these A-listers, with their air-brushed lives, we don’t have the resources to draw upon to make our lives and that of our children easier. Nor should we want to. Yet the media persists in holding them up as a type of blueprint of perfection to which we should aspire, even when their lives are vacuous or without purpose. Children are life-changing in a very personal and immediate way, not in the superficial, meaningless manner to which magazines and TV stories reduce them. Pretending that pregnancy and childbirth is like a Disney movie, with happy endings and where everything fundamentally stays the same, only better, sets up unrealistic expectations and eclipses the realities of bringing a child into this world. The road to parenthood is not smooth; it’s an astonishing roller coaster that, despite the roughness of the ride, with its incredible ups and downs, you wouldn’t want to get off, even if you could. It’s not called a baby %26quot;bump%26quot; for nothing. And it’s the %26quot;bumps%26quot; and all they entail that make life worth reproducing and living.

Tags: cate, cate blanchett, christina, ford, gossip, instalment, nicole kidman, pace, ups

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