Findcate

Oklahoma State doesn’t know much about Washington State, which is OK because Washington State doesn’t know much about itself.

Saturday’s game won’t exactly be sandlot ball, but there could be variances thereof.

“On our offense, that’s what we do,” Gundy said, “and we’ve got some guys who are pretty good at it.”

Starting quarterback Zac Robinson smiled at the mysterious trip to the Great Northwest, claiming he gets a kick out of the possibilities.

“Oh, absolutely. I think that’s a lot of fun,” Robinson said. “They’ve got tape on us, but we’ve got virtually nothing on them. They could come out and show a completely different look than what we’ve been practicing. That makes it kind of fun.”

In August, teams are far more concerned about executing their own stuff than what the other team might try to do.

Openers are closer to raw football than any game on the schedule. Just line up, snap the ball and let’s see who’s better.

“When it comes down to it, it’s about tackling, flying around and having fun while you’re out there,” Cowboys junior linebacker Andre Sexton said. “If you can go out there and tackle, it doesn’t really matter what plays they run. We have to go out there and find a way to stop them.”

The threat of the unknown exists every week to a certain degree, but OSU vs. WSU is beyond the norm.

The Cougars have a new head coach in Paul Wulff, a WSU graduate who spent the previous 15 seasons at Eastern Washington, the last eight as head coach.

The Cougars have a new co-defensive coordinators in Chris Ball, previously the secondary coach at Pittsburgh, and Jody Sears, who was Wulff’s defensive coordinator at Eastern Washington.

This meant the Cowboys studied the defensive schemes of three programs WSU, Pitt and Eastern Washington to prep for Saturday.

“Between the three of them, we’ve practiced quite a bit of stuff the last two months,” OSU co-offensive coordinator Gunter Brewer said. “Good thing we opened up with them because if we played them in the second game, we wouldn’t have had as much time to prepare for them.”

There also are unknowns with the Cowboys.

How good their defense will be has pretty much been an unknown this entire millennium.

Who will be calling OSU’s offensive plays wasn’t known until Monday’s media luncheon, when Gundy revealed he would be calling the shots, not Brewer or co-coordinator Trooper Taylor.

“It’s fun for me,” Gundy said. “The reason I’m involved more is because it’s what I like to do.”

Gundy has yet to choose between Alex Cate and Brandon Weeden for the backup quarterback and won’t do so until Saturday, if necessary.

Asked if he was playing mind games in not revealing who would call plays and the back-up quarterback, Gundy shrugged and said, “There’s nothing to hide, plus he (Wulff) doesn’t care who our backup quarterback is.”

Tags: cate, games, smile

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Harrison Ford’s Indiana Jones is such a larger-than-life, iconic film classic hero that when the actor strode into a hotel meeting room, one half-expected to hear John Williams’ rousing theme song from the movie series.

But Harrison, wearing a simple suit and shirt, is not that kind of guy. He’s not the type who requires blaring trumpets and French horns to herald his entrance. “Life is good,” he said with a smile. “I can’t complain. If I did, nobody would listen to me anyway.” Such wry, self-effacing statements reflect the man who once left acting to work as a carpenter.

When a journalist asked an “intellectual”-angle question about the much-awaited, 1950s-set “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” on behalf of her editor, Harrison cracked, “Well, isn’t that nice? Let’s send him to an intellectual movie. That will make him happy.”

When the same reporter posed another question written by her boss, about Indiana Jones’ “un-modern approach to women,” Harrison smiled and quipped, “It is set in 1957, for Christ’s sake. We reflect the characters in that period of time. But I also want to say that Indiana Jones loves women. There’s a nice way of doing that and a not-so-nice way of doing that. I think Indiana Jones is a guy with a very strong moral core.”

Tags: 1950s, boss, carpenter, crystal skull, dishes, editor harrison, ford, french horns, harrison ford, hero, hotel meeting, indiana jones, john williams, journalist, larger than life, meeting room, modern approach, period of time, pets, sake, smile

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No, this buzz is all about hot new Hollywood in the shape of a 21-year-old actor whose name confuses the most intelligent reader, Shia LaBeouf.

So when he eventually bounds into the hotel where we’ve arranged to meet, it’s something of an anticlimax to find that he’s, well, just a 21-year-old guy, who’s desperate for a smoke. He immediately asks that we move all conversation to the patio, so he can puff.

“Yes, I smoke,” he admits shamefacedly. “It’s probably the worst thing I do. I leave wet towels on the floor, too. I don’t think I’m the Find Cate Mandigo quintessential guy to look up to right now because I’m still building myself.”

He shouldn’t be too concerned, though. Films such as I, Robot, Disturbia and last year’s smash-hit, Transformers, have already built the foundation for what looks to be a career in a million. His role in Crystal Skull could catapult him into rarefied Brad Pitt or Will Smith territory, although, right now, he’s intriguingly not at liberty to say exactly what that role is.

Rumour has it he plays Indiana Jones’ son (albeit under the name Mutt Williams), but he simply takes another puff and says, “I can’t confirm or deny that.” What he can confirm – most vocally – is that working with Harrison Ford, Steven Spielberg and Cate Blanchett has been the most incredible ride.

His bond with Harrison is particularly interesting, with LaBeouf talking fondly and Find Cate Mandigo reverently of him as a father figure.

The actor’s own French-Cajun father, Jeffrey, was a clown from San Francisco who was also a heroin addict.

Their relationship was non-existent until LaBeouf landed a role on US TV series Even Stevens when he was 13 and needed a legal guardian onset. He says wistfully, “I had to rent my father back.”

Bad though it sounds, drug-free father and son now share a deep bond, formed over the nine years LaBeouf has spent playing the role of family breadwinner.

“He’s not necessarily the father I wanted, but I wouldn’t want anybody else,” he reveals. “He’s my best friend – as is my mother – they’re both wise people. But pain is the foundation of my father’s growth and I draw from him every time I do what I do.”

Cigarette smoked, LaBeouf asks to move inside. Looking all-American in his navy-blue, long-sleeve T-shirt and low-slung jeans, he takes a long gulp of vitamin water from the bottle he’s been carrying.

“Finance is a big reason that my family split up and that’s not a worry any more, but Dad was gone for a long time. I was five when my parents separated. I hated him for a long time, but from 13 years old to this point – it’s now a love affair. I’m lucky, because supporting my family has been a blessing.”

The Los Angeles native comes from a long line of artists and performers. As well as a clown for a dad, his mum, Shayna, was a dancer who studied ballet with the famous Martha Graham.

LaBeouf’s dad used to dress up the family as clowns and the three of them would perform and sell hot dogs in LA’s Echo Park.

However, nobody called LaBeouf found any real success until Shia took up acting. He made the decision, aged 10, after talking to a boy in Malibu, who was wearing all the latest designer gear, thanks to a role on Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman. LaBeouf’s schoolboy yearning for brand-name clothing paid off.

“My lineage is constant artwork never seen by the public, or just fluttered out,” he explains.

“My great-grandmother was a piano player on Lucky Luciano’s gambling boat; my grandmother was a lesbian beatnik poet who used to run with Allen Ginsberg – her poetry was never discovered. My father is this amazing pantomime clown, but nobody has heard of him and my mother is this amazing visual artist who danced and nobody has heard of her. My career is a culmination of a lot of prayers and a lot of work.”

That said, he admits that he looks towards others to fill the more Find Cate Mandigo traditional roles in his life. Harrison Ford is the latest addition to LaBeouf’s role models, alongside past co-stars, John Voight and John Hurt.

“Harrison and I became close on set, but he’s the kind of guy where you have to earn the hug,” he smiles.

“The day I got my first hug from Harrison was a big day. The hug came about through work and results. It’s not easy making these kinds of action movies – they’re very physical and emotional.

“Finding the right tone is the hardest part and once you find it, Harrison’s all over you.”

An important lesson LaBeouf has learnt from Ford is to not give away too much. The original Indy is notoriously private where LaBeouf, until now, has been happy to spill his guts.

“I have to stop that,” he says, looking at the tape recorder. “When I was younger, I was happy to tell people stuff because I was anxious to please. Now I realise that my favourite actors don’t give much away; they maintain a level of mystery and I think I have to work on that.”

He has spoken many times about his past relationship with China Brezner, the daughter of The Greatest Game Ever Played producer, Larry Brezner, whom he met while shooting the movie in 2004. His first real love, they were together until early last year.

“I was very open about my relationship with China. I’m sure that’s hurt her so I’m going to stop talking about it. Sure I have time for girls, but nothing is very serious right now. There’s no specifics.”

Would he say he’s a romantic kind of guy? “Oh yeah, I get into poetry and songwriting,” he laughs.

“I’ve flown across the country with flowers to hand-deliver, and I’ve made trails out of rose petals and put on the Jodeci music. I’ve also been known to put on some Meatloaf, which is so cheesy. I won’t say if it worked or not, but it was very funny!”

Being the next big thing probably makes it easier to get the girls, but it comes at a price. (Although, when I mention his ‘next big thing’ status, LaBeouf is quick to point out “some days I’m the next big thing, some days I’m the next worst thing”.)

His brushes with the law are well-documented. He was arrested in 2005 after ramming a neighbour’s car and threatening him with a knife; the second was last November, for trespassing in a pharmacy in Chicago. No charges were pressed for either incident.

He simply says, “I’m at ease at this point. I’ve had my moments and I guess the biggest lesson I’ve learnt with the press is to never say never.”

He makes eye contact and says, “I’ve had a couple of run-ins, but I can definitely say that I don’t want that kind of life. I surround myself with good people, but I’m 21 and I make mistakes. I’m learning to cope. I didn’t get into this business to be Captain America.”

So does he take downtime? “Why would I?” he counters. “I enjoy every moment and the bad things come up when you’re not working. The negative aspects of this industry happen in the off-time.”

But surely there has to be some time when he’s not onset? “I’ve spent more time at home recently because the last two movies I shot have been made in LA so, yes, I’ve had some time at home. I hang out with my dog, read and I’m into my sports. I have about five close friends and we sit and Find Cate Mandigo talk a lot.”

He shifts in his seat, before revealing that a lot of his old friends have fallen by the wayside. “You see, the people I’ve known for a long time, their mindset changed and they stopped being friends with me and started being friends with what I do.”

He pauses to contemplate the situation. “That’s been the hardest decision, losing friends and getting rid of the people who are bad eggs. But that’s what happens with transition. I could never have foreseen what was going to happen. Fame is a drug, it’s addictive. But this isn’t who I am, it’s what I do. You have to maintain separation or you lose your mind.”

Taking all that into consideration, is he prepared for what will surely be global Indiana Jones-mania?

“I don’t imagine things will change too much,” he says modestly. “I have a lot of people around me who keep me centred because I get haywire, too – but I’m pretty calm right now.” He laughs remembering how amazing it was to find himself on the set of such a hotly anticipated movie.

“Every day was like, ‘Omigod, I’m on the set of Indiana Jones!’ That feeling of excitement never went away, it just became something I would channel into the work. Steven (Spielberg) was amazing. He gives you a lot of room and trusts you to do exactly what he hired you for. There were never any bumps.”

Indeed, Spielberg, who suggested LaBeouf for the lead role in Michael Bay’s Transformers, returns the compliment, stating, “His talent has impressed not only his audiences, but the directors, producers and fellow actors who have worked with him.”

However, he remains tight-lipped on whether or not LaBeouf will continue to run with the Indy torch, saying simply, “We’ll see. He still has multiple Transformers films to do.”

The actor proved his commitment to Spielberg and the Indiana Jones franchise by going on a strict diet and fitness regimen, but his heart went out to co-star Cate Blanchett, who was pregnant while filming her very physical villain scenes.

“She’s kind, but the minute ‘action’ is called, she’s not Cate any more. She’s mean. She was pregnant and doing these crazy swordfights, but she held her own for hours. Honestly, she’s a bad ass.”

At 21, he has an old head on his shoulders. “I hope this year holds more of the same, and I hope that I have a lot more smiles and Find Cate Mandigo laughs. If it continues as it is now, I think I’m going to really enjoy my year.”

Tags: brad pitt, cate, cate blanchett, crystal skull, father and son, Find Cate, Find Cate Mandigo, ford, franchise, harrison ford, hero, hollywood, indiana jones, indy, mutt, rbi, shia labeouf, smile, spielberg, steven spielberg

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It rained. It wasn%26#39;t supposed to, but it did.
There were two opposing forces at play here. The forecasters who said it wouldn%26#39;t and the mother-in-law who said it would. I was rooting for the forecasters but I was clearly backing the wrong horse.
If there was one thing we were really counting on it was sunshine, but it was the one thing we had no control over all the long-range forecasts money can buy and all the reassuring words from the venue hosts about only two wet weddings in 15 years, couldn%26#39;t hold the weather at bay.
Anyway, the weekend got off to a cracking start.
Thursday night was devoted to heavy drinking given there was a day to recover properly, and that largely went without a hitch. Well almost. The best man did involuntarily evacuate his dinner all over his wife at about 2am but everyone, including his wife, eventually saw the funny side.
Friday was the day before the wedding and the boys all rallied around to erect the marquee, which sounds like a technically demanding task for a group in various states of delicateness, but it went surprisingly smoothly, not least because of the supervisor%26#39;s skill and patience.
Then those that had the stomach for it went fishing and the rest of the day was either spent putting wedding speeches through a final rewrite or just enjoying the day. And a beautiful day it was, which was lucky since that night we had a barbecue and everyone had the chance to relax, have a drink or two, catch up with old friends and family and get to know some new people.
If there%26#39;s one theme we picked up from experienced wedding-goers it was that one day isn%26#39;t enough to catch up with everyone properly and since so many of our friends and family had come from a long way away we were determined to create a bit of space around the wedding so people could make the most of it.
The first sound I heard on Saturday morning was snoring. The second was rain on the roof. Both were disturbing, but the rain slightly more so.
Everyone, not a meteorologist among them, spent the morning telling me the rain would pass and that they were sure they could see the clouds starting to break. But it was about as reassuring as the dentist telling you to relax.
Still, decisions had to be made and this is where my lovely bride%26#39;s family and friends have to take a bow. With the wedding due for 3pm a call had to be made over carpark or marquee for the ceremony and since the carpark had largely turned to slush by mid-morning it wasn%26#39;t such a tough call.
And then, with military precision, an army of helpers appeared and carried out an extreme makeover on the marquee. It can%26#39;t have been easy but they did an exceptional job. Meanwhile, for me, the countdown went something like this: 1.30pm come out of hiding, 1.45pm have beer while being careful not to enjoy it too much, 2pm contemplate another beer while carefully going through the possible consequences, 2.20pm shave, 2.25pm fight the urge for more beer, 2.30pm get dressed, 2.35pm undergo dress inspection by sister for any minor alterations and applying of flower, 2.45pm quick team talk and traditional belt of whisky, 2.46pm second belt of whisky since the first one barely even registered, 2.50pm take centre stage and wait nervously.
Then the short wait eyeballing the gathering crowd as crunchtime looms.
And then the moment I will never forget as long as I live the beautiful bride%26#39;s entrance.
For anyone who hasn%26#39;t married, I would recommend they give it a crack for this moment alone. I was told a lot of men cry about this point and thinking that this would be a touching display of emotion I was even contemplating getting my policeman friend to give me a wee squirt of pepper spray so the tears would stream on cue, but in the end, not a drop.
Instead just a dumb smile and apparently a slightly petrified look, as the bride, a frangipani-laced vision in white, glided gracefully down the aisle and it sank in that this picture of loveliness was there to marry me.
A sobering thought but a wonderful feeling.
The rest of the ceremony was a blur but in almost no time at all it was done, we%26#39;d done it we were man and wife Mr and Mrs Hunt.
And that was it. Wedding over, only partying left. Well almost.
Photos in the rain, for which it has to be said the photographers excelled themselves with their level of patience given the trying conditions and drowned-looking subjects.
Another army of helpers set about transforming the marquee into a party venue, then speeches, then food, then party.
Actually, the speeches were to see off the last of my nerves and I actually managed to get a couple of laughs. Not as many as the bride, however, who got the biggest laugh by recounting some of my early emails to her. I%26#39;m still not sure whether to take that as a compliment. The father-in-law, who has a bit of a gift for this sort of thing, gave a very funny speech and the best man gave a very touching one.
My brother the MC, having read the audience pretty well, set the tone beautifully largely, as predicted, by taking the mickey out of me. He was reasonably gentle, though, and the reviews were universally positive.
So, with that, the last of the formalities were the cutting of the cake, which was pretty straightforward, and the first dance, which could have been called a first shuffle on our account, and then the serious business of trying to relax and enjoy the band and make it round everyone to say gidday and thanks.
The rain never stopped and in fact got worse as the night went on, but under the marquee it could have been hosing down and nobody would have known or cared, well, except maybe the smokers.
The next day everyone gathered for breakfast, but the day was mostly clean-up and farewells and by early afternoon it was all over with just the waft of stale alcohol in the marquee to remind us that a wedding had taken place.
We%26#39;re now married and it feels not even a tiny bit different, although I%26#39;m sure once the post-traumatic stress disorder starts to wane it might sink in.
The wedding was a huge success but only because of the amount of work everyone poured into bringing it all together. We truly owe them all a debt of gratitude.
I would have mentioned the names of the band, the caterers, the photographer, the venue hosts and the hire company since they all did a fine job, but I couldn%26#39;t figure out a way to slide that in without making it seem gratuitous.
So if you are thinking about tying the knot, email me at stuhunt@nelsonmail.co.nz and I%26#39;ll be sure to pass on my recommendations.
We%26#39;ve also got a couple hundredweight of leftover plastic plates and cutlery I can do you a good price on.
Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, sadly, the chair covers couldn%26#39;t make it along, but the potatoes made up for their absence. In a surprise display of tactical cunning they stormed the Friday night barbecue in a carefully orchestrated stealth mission making it on to the table in not one but at least three different guises.
As for the honeymoon, we went to Thailand, but I won%26#39;t burden you with too many details not that sitting around and drinking a lot is all that interesting anyway.
Thailand I can%26#39;t fault, except maybe for the fact that they put mothballs in the urinals over there and my lovely bride would have you think she experienced fresh horror every time she jumped on the back of our scooter for the daily jaunt down the busy but decaying strip of concrete that passes for a road in Koh Tao.
As for being in the sun, well it was largely great, but since my torso is like the arctic tundra after a fresh dusting it took one brief peek at the sun and for the rest of the fortnight I sported an angry red streak down my left side. I may never learn.
Stewart Hunt%26#39;s amateurish attempts at making sense of married life will be chronicled in a new column starting on Saturday May 3.

Tags: brother, cate, early afternoon, Food, job, pace, rbi, smile

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At the weekend%26#39;s Labour Party conference Mr Key was the butt of jokes, satirical songs and criticism of him was a big part of Deputy Prime Minister Michael Cullen%26#39;s closing speech.
This morning Mr Key told reporters Labour was spending too much time attacking him and not concentrating on the economy and rises in food and power prices.
Dr Cullen said the Government has been rolling out policy %26quot;at a great pace%26quot; but some issues were international, like food prices.
%26quot;The Government can%26#39;t legislate international food prices and international oil prices down.%26quot;
Dr Cullen said National has spent the past 8 1/2 years criticising the Government.
Dr Cullen said Mr Key needed to toughen up.
%26quot;This is election year. This is a year where both parties actually get to attack each other, it%26#39;s not a one-sided contest of poor little John sits in his corner and nobody criticises him and he just sort of smiles beatifically all the way through to the election.
%26quot;This is a contest about power in New Zealand and who can be the best government for New Zealanders and he%26#39;s going to have to get used to the fact he%26#39;s playing with the big boys now.%26quot;
He told reporters to expect action in the House today over asset sales.
During the weekend congress Dr Cullen accused Mr Key of throwing aside his principles to say what he thought the public wanted to hear.
He called Mr Key %26quot;slippery%26quot; and criticised him over not stating his views on the Springbok tour, voting against civil unions when he previously said he did not have a problem with them, supporting the Iraq war, and a range of other issues.
- NZPA

Tags: Food, food price, food prices, pace, smile, zeal

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At the weekend%26#39;s Labour Party conference Mr Key was the butt of jokes, satirical songs and criticism of him was a big part of Deputy Prime Minister Michael Cullen%26#39;s closing speech.
This morning Mr Key told reporters Labour was spending too much time attacking him and not concentrating on the economy and rises in food and power prices.
Dr Cullen said the Government has been rolling out policy %26quot;at a great pace%26quot; but some issues were international, like food prices.
%26quot;The Government can%26#39;t legislate international food prices and international oil prices down.%26quot;
Dr Cullen said National has spent the past 8%26frac12; years criticising the Government.
Dr Cullen said Mr Key needed to toughen up.
%26quot;This is election year. This is a year where both parties actually get to attack each other, it%26#39;s not a one-sided contest of poor little John sits in his corner and nobody criticises him and he just sort of smiles beatifically all the way through to the election.
%26quot;This is a contest about power in New Zealand and who can be the best government for New Zealanders and he%26#39;s going to have to get used to the fact he%26#39;s playing with the big boys now.%26quot;
He told reporters to expect action in the House today over asset sales.
During the weekend congress Dr Cullen accused Mr Key of throwing aside his principles to say what he thought the public wanted to hear.
He called Mr Key %26quot;slippery%26quot; and criticised him over not stating his views on the Springbok tour, voting against civil unions when he previously said he did not have a problem with them, supporting the Iraq war, and a range of other issues.
Prime Minister Helen Clark today said she did not think the attacks were over the top and in the main Labour had been focusing on rolling out its policies.
She said it was difficult to attack an %26quot;empty brand%26quot; - a reference to Mr Key%26#39;s lack of policy.
%26quot;By and large one does ignore an empty space. We%26#39;ve got a lot to talk about ourselves with big policies rolling out, big ideas in housing, big ideas in education, big ideas in trade…things that will make a difference on the ground for Kiwis.%26quot;
On asset sales, Miss Clark said she believed National would try to use infrastructure bonds to dilute the shareholding of state owned enterprises (SOEs).
%26quot;What I think he%26#39;s been working on with merchant banks is equity instruments whereby they would severely dilute the ownership of state-owned enterprises,%26quot; she told reporters.
%26quot;So they would say hand on heart, `no no we%26#39;re not selling we just happen to have totally diluted the ownership%26#39;,%26quot; she said.
%26quot;Frankly swamping the shares of ownership in a SOE is exactly privatising it. So I think some hard questions need to be asked.%26quot;
The Government has also issued infrastructure bonds, most recently to help fund major roading projects, but Miss Clark said that did not qualify as privatisation.
During the weekend Miss Clark described asset sales as %26quot;a defining issue%26quot;.
Mr Key said he disagreed: %26quot;the defining issue of the election will be the economy%26quot;.
He said it spoke volumes that Labour used its election year congress to focus on him.
%26quot;They didn%26#39;t spend any time on the economy they spent their time on two issues: one, working out ways to rort the Electoral Finance Act and secondly, indulging themselves in low grade personal attacks on me.%26quot;
Mr Key said he did not intend to be distracted on main issues like interest rates and workers leaving for Australia.
He disagreed with Dr Cullen%26#39;s list of 15 areas he claimed Mr Key had backtracked on.
%26quot;He should be focusing on the economy that%26#39;s facing some quite serious issues instead he is spending his time reading every transcript that I give trying to look for the odd umm that%26#39;s in the wrong place.%26quot;
A Labour blogger has posted a video on video sharing website YouTube of Mr Key saying he could not remember his position on the 1981 Springbok rugby tour of New Zealand.
That tour tore New Zealand society down the middle, as South Africa still had an apartheid regime at the time.
%26quot;It doesn%26#39;t personally bother me, they can spend their whole time in the election campaign if they want having a go at me.%26quot;
- NZPA

Tags: blogger, Food, food price, food prices, pace, smile, zeal

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Oh, and he%26#39;s well on his way to making a million dollars this year.
Actually, he%26#39;s shooting for $10 million %26ndash; but what%26#39;s another zero when you%26#39;ve broken six?
Above the slick, stainless steel, cafe-quality espresso machine in his spacious office in Christchurch seaside suburb Sumner, a photocopied cheque for $10 million is taped to a wall adorned with world-trade time clocks.
Mr Hille wrote it to himself and post-dated it December 31, 2008.
The stylish 43-year-old smiles as he admits his %26quot;extremely out-there, difficult, but not impossible, goal%26quot;.
%26quot;It would be a colossal year by anyone%26#39;s standards but traders do that because you can make that sort of money,%26quot; he says confidently, relaxing into a leather sofa.
The method to his money-making madness? Currency, commodities and a hedge fund strategy known as %26quot;global macro%26quot;.
%26quot;When you trade global macro, you can make money just as easily when markets go down as they do when they go up. If you%26#39;re willing to trade anything around the world, you don%26#39;t really have to be concerned with falling equity markets or falling property markets %26ndash; there%26#39;s always something going on with currency, there%26#39;s always something going on with commodities.%26quot;
At the moment, he is hot on the %26quot;short New Zealand dollar against the Australia dollar%26quot; but is otherwise lightly invested after a %26quot;good%26quot; run in the first quarter of the year, turning $150,000 into $370,000.
Most of those gains came from agricultural commodities, which enjoyed a %26quot;massive run-up from the middle of January till the end of February%26quot;.
The secret, he says, is buying high and selling low %26ndash; the inverse of the usual stock market convention. The strategy is predicated on a commodity or stock hitting a new high then going even further.
%26quot;When something gets to a new high, or a new 20-day high, by definition there is no one holding that commodity or stock who is in a losing position, because they must have purchased it cheaper.%26quot;
Unknown forces also factor in, he says. %26quot;These reasons may come out weeks or months later, or not at all. But if there is a groundswell of buying that pushes prices to a new high, there is likely a good reason for that and so buying at that high will often result in prices going higher still for those reasons that you don%26#39;t know, but that the groundswell of buyers do know.%26quot;
Needless so say, he does a fair bit of reading on the subject and during the course of a day studies up on trades, successful traders and market trends.
%26quot;At the moment I%26#39;m sitting on the sidelines,%26quot; he says.
%26quot;The only commodity I have that I%26#39;m trading is corn and the reason I%26#39;m trading corn is that at the end of last week, it reached an all-time multi-year high. I%26#39;m simply waiting for the other food commodities to hit new 20-day highs and, when they do, I%26#39;ll be in again.%26quot;
A dabbler since the age of 18, Mr Hille took up %26quot;fulltime%26quot; trading in 2007. Working an average 15 hours a week, he made more than $170,000 net profit from 51 good trades.
That%26#39;s a good year by any measure but he has already made triple that in the first three months of this year, so his $10 million daydream may not be a total fantasy.
So is it luck, skill or good karma? Mr Hille, who gives a not insignificant amount of his disposable income to charity, chalks it up to sheer determination. He says anyone with an inclination can make more money than they can lose as a trader.
To hear him talk, he makes it sound easy: %26quot;Trading is the most fun you can have at the computer, using your skills and knowledge to turn $100,000 into $275,000.%26quot;
The prospect of losing at the same rate doesn%26#39;t seem to faze him.
%26quot;Sure, you%26#39;re trying to predict the future but as you gain knowledge and experience you learn to stack things in your favour, so instead of being a 50/50 coin toss, it can be a 60/40 or a 70/30 and once you get into a 70/30 if you do the same trade 100 times in a row you know you%26#39;re going to make money seven times out of 10.
%26quot;You may lose money three times out of 10 but you can handle that because you cut your losses. If you can put yourself in a situation where you%26#39;ve an even 55/45 chance, it%26#39;s plenty to be able to trade on.%26quot;
Despite his cool-headed calculations, there aren%26#39;t many Kiwis willing to place their bets making a living in the same manner. %26quot;The consensus is under 100 nationwide,%26quot; he estimates, ironically taking the number as an encouraging sign. %26quot;Compare that with the large number who make an income from property and that gives you an idea of the upside potential of the increase in numbers if and when more people embrace trading as an income source.%26quot;
THOUGH he has degrees in accounting and commerce, he professes to be mostly self-taught when it comes to trading and says you don%26#39;t need an education to do well.
%26quot;I wouldn%26#39;t suggest that anybody immediately quit their day job and try to make a living, but if you%26#39;ve got an interest and passion, then I think it%26#39;s something just about anybody could start doing.%26quot;
Reading up on the subject, is the starting point, he says.
To that end, he has written extensively about the tricks of his trading experience in chapter 8 of his pet project: a %26quot;lifestyles%26quot; book (www.author.co.nz) aimed at helping people fulfil their dreams.
In the book (he also writes fiction and children%26#39;s stories), he propounds his home-spun philosophy and strategies to create the ideal life, modelled on his own.
%26quot;Sometime in my 30s I woke up to the fact that life is about lifestyle, and life isn%26#39;t about working your butt off for somebody else, collapsing into your chair at the end of the day and watching television for a couple of hours, going to bed, and doing it all over again.%26quot;
By maximising his earning potential in contracted business hours, he has carved out an enviable amount of leisure time.
He also handles the accounts for two charitable organisations, one a Christian international aid agency, the other a local charity that helps children. He doesn%26#39;t hide his religious beliefs (biblical quotations festoon his office) or his ambition to make more money so he may do more good %26ndash; though without sacrificing the lifestyle.
He subscribes to the tithing principle of giving away 10 per cent of his disposable income and hopes one day to be in a position to flip the equation, giving away 90 per cent and keeping a tenth.
As for giving up work, as far as he%26#39;s concerned, he has done that.
%26quot;In a sense, I%26#39;m retired now because one definition of retirement is doing what you want to do. And so I%26#39;m doing that now. If you gave me $100 million to trade I%26#39;d trade it. I wouldn%26#39;t trade all of it but I%26#39;d trade just because I love it.%26quot;
While waiting for the $100 million to materialise, he is staying focused on the $10 million marker. %26quot;It%26#39;s an extremely out-there, difficult goal, but it%26#39;s not such a daydream that it%26#39;s totally impossible. If I visualise it and believe in it . . . who knows!%26quot;

Tags: ambition, cate, Food, job, smile, ups, zeal

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Perhaps, I shouldn%26#39;t reject my younger self%26#39;s sense of humour. There is a restaurant in Thailand called %26quot;Cow Pat Poo%26quot; and the rather brainy and serious broadcaster Brian Edwards says he found that funny when he walked past it (though he wasn%26#39;t tempted to eat there).
And comedian Raybon Kan he knows what%26#39;s funny was mildly amused when he noticed that the bus company trundling him around Germany was named %26quot;F***er%26quot;. (This newspaper%26#39;s policy on printing swear-words obscures the fact that the censored second letter has an umlaut, but you get the idea.)
So is this the height of sophisticated humour? Obviously not. But there is no question about it: people are amused, at least a little bit, when they notice a rude word on a public sign. Why else would the internet be littered with remarks from giggling tourists reporting back from the Newfoundland town of Dildo, the Connecticut address of Mianus, or any of the four different places actually called Anus (take your pick from the one in France, the one in Indonesia, or the two in the Philippines)?
Yet last month an attempt to capitalise on tourist sniggers ended in anger and angst. On March 6, Ace Car Rentals erected the billboard pictured above in Parnell, Auckland. Three weeks later the sign was taken down after Ace received a sternly disapproving email from the Maori Language Commission. %26quot;The presence of this billboard proves that in some sectors of New Zealand society, ignorance and lack of regard for Maori language persist,%26quot; commission CEO Huhana Rokx said in a statement.
The commission was formed in 1987 under the act that made New Zealand officially a bilingual nation and one of its goals is to see %26quot;all New Zealanders value reo Maori%26quot;, so it was almost obliged to take offence. But was the sign really that bad? The joke is hardly a new one. Australian chat show host Rove McManus made great play of the whaka/f***er homonym in a 2005 promo skit for his show and he got away with it. Had New Zealanders in general, and Maori in particular, been upset by it, or was the sign in fact %26quot;whaking hilarious%26quot;, as one online wit insisted? (And should our sub editors be changing that to %26quot;wh**ing?)
Marc Wilson is a Victoria University psychology professor with a particular interest in pulling jokes apart and inspecting their entrails and he deems the whaka billboard funny, at least to the extent that it conforms to the classic %26quot;AAB%26quot; structure that underlies many puns (and much music, as it happens).
%26quot;You have at least two As the repetition of something you expect. Then you get a reversal with the B. That%26#39;s exactly what you%26#39;ve got here: three standard terms [Whakamaru, Whakatane and Whakamoa] and then the reversal `rent a car so you can visit any whaka%26#39;.%26quot;
The gag works, says Wilson, because of the lack of expectation of what comes next. We resolve our surprise by laughing. First at ourselves %26quot;for not getting it immediately%26quot; then at the pun itself. (Clearly jokes, like lab animals, are never quite the same after a dissection.)
But psychological analysis also helps explain why the billboard could be seen as offensive, says Wilson. There may be no derogatory comment in the Ace Car Rentals billboard, but associating a taboo English word with a prefix that is clearly Maori is a form of disrespect.
It was Freud, no less, who said jokes reflect our unconscious. So assuming it was a member of the Pakeha majority group that came up with the joke, %26quot;it%26#39;s an expression of the unconscious relationships between the majority and the minority groups. It serves to emphasise,%26quot; says Wilson, %26quot;who is boss%26quot;.
OK, enough theory. Did Wilson actually find the thing funny?
%26quot;If I saw that I would smile.%26quot;
Jim Mather, CEO of Maori Television, didn%26#39;t smile. The billboard wasn%26#39;t exactly offensive, but it was %26quot;quite unwise%26quot;. %26quot;I was intrigued to learn that the person who initiated the idea was a new migrant to New Zealand. Most liberal, reasonable, clear-thinking New Zealanders would find it inappropriate, as I and many others do.
%26quot;Maori people are prepared to the humour in most things,%26quot; Mather says. %26quot;We%26#39;re not a conservative and very serious type of people. If [the billboard] was genuinely humorous we%26#39;d see the humorous side of it, but it%26#39;s not particularly clever or smart.%26quot;
Billy T James, whose old shows are regularly repeated on Maori TV, liked to make fun of his people%26#39;s language but if he were alive he wouldn%26#39;t go near a joke like this, says Mather, even now that the f-word has lost its power to shock on television. Mather doesn%26#39;t think that even the relatively foul-mouthed Mike King would go there.
%26quot;There are some things that you recognise as an area you should endeavour not to belittle.%26quot;
Mather may be right, but it%26#39;s difficult to argue that Billy T James was showing te reo much respect with a 1980s sketch in which he plays a black-singleted, giggling newsreader. %26quot;Cops in Auckland are on the lookout for a man believed to be masquerading as a Maori language teacher,%26quot; reads James haltingly. %26quot;One of his students became suspicious when he told her the Maori word for food was takeaway… kotanga was Maori for car aerial.%26quot; Ho ho.
On the other hand, what about this line from the same sketch? %26quot;[Police minister Ben Couch] was asked if he used witty repartee in his speechmaking. He went on to say no, but I have read some of his poems.%26quot; Is that respectful of the esteemed poet Mr Ihimaera and his language, disrespectful, or just, you know, funny?
Remember, says modern-day Maori comedian Pio Terei, that James was doing this stuff almost 30 years ago.
%26quot;It%26#39;s like smoking in the pub you could do it then but you can%26#39;t do it now, because we%26#39;ve got brains now. I think we%26#39;ve matured. I never met Billy, but I%26#39;m one of his biggest fans. I never found Billy offensive at the time but I was a bit dumber at the time too. It wouldn%26#39;t work now.%26quot;
Certainly the humour at the expense of Maori language has a murky past, long before Billy T James began playing with Maori stereotypes.
From the 1890s to the 1920s, %26quot;there was a type of humour which made fun of the rural way of Maori speaking,%26quot; says Wellington historian Nigel Murphy. An antipodean version of the comic Irishman popular in England, it reflected prevailing Pakeha perceptions of the natives as childlike and simple, what historian Keith Sinclair called the %26quot;py korry, I te plurry fine fella eh!%26quot; school of humour.
In the context of historical racism, says Murphy, making fun of Maori language is %26quot;probably not a good idea%26quot;.
IN THE babble of talkback and blogging that followed the dismantling of the whaka billboard, one surprising argument was advanced. What if that pun really represented a maturing of New Zealand bilingualism and race relations rather than a backwards step?
%26quot;These plays on words are a way to show young Maori that these words are cool and should be embraced,%26quot; one listeneremailed to John Tamihere and Willie Jackson%26#39;s argumentative Radio Live show last Monday.
Just so, said Tamihere. %26quot;Precious people%26quot; were causing unnecessary fuss just when mainstream advertisers %26quot;were using the Maori language for the first time%26quot;.
Jackson disagreed vehemently. Tamihere, he said, was talking like a %26quot;colonised%26quot; Maori. Using te reo in advertising is absolutely fine, said Jackson, but not when you%26#39;re linking it with with profanity.
Pio Terei isn%26#39;t buying this Pollyanna version either. %26quot;I love this country; I love the people, but don%26#39;t tell me we%26#39;re at that stage of cultural comfort yet, because that%26#39;s bullshit.%26quot;
In a perfect world, says Terei, there might come a time when you could make a joke like this one and put it in the public arena %26quot;and it won%26#39;t be as offensive to as many people, because there%26#39;s no underlying scab%26quot;. We%26#39;re not there yet.
The whaka billboard was clever, says Terei, but he wasn%26#39;t laughing. It wouldn%26#39;t have bothered him to hear the gag from a mate, or in a small social setting, but not in huge letters over a busy road.
%26quot;So many people have struggled to get our language into the mainstream and the next minute we see it up on a billboard used in that sense which I thought was clever, but you wouldn%26#39;t get me signing it off.%26quot;
XXX MARKS THE SPOT
WHO KNEW geography could be such a risque pursuit? A quick survey of a world atlas reveals a surprising number of dubious, strange or outright obscene placenames.
The winner for sheer shock value has to be the Austrian village of F***ing, where the local council has been obliged to spend a ruinously large proportion of its budget replacing road signs stolen by tourists, or planting them in ever-stronger concrete. The name has been around since the 11th century, and means %26quot;the place of Focko%26#39;s people%26quot;, Focko being a local family name.
The US has a staggeringly large number of curious placenames. Johnny Knoxville of the relentlessly puerile TV stunt show Jackass spent one episode wandering around the small Connecticut town of Mianus, asking passersby clever questions along the lines of %26quot;Is Mianus a big place?%26quot; or noting that %26quot;There%26#39;s a big red truck in Mianus!%26quot; Another US highlight is Intercourse, Pennsylvania (just 15 minutes away from the town of Blue Ball, apparently).
And it%26#39;s not all rude words. There are clean laughs to be had by visiting the west German city of Killing or the Scottish town of Dull. And once again, in the US you%26#39;re spoilt for choice: welcome to Hell, Michigan; Accident; Maryland; Bland, Missouri; Boring, Oregon and the grandly-named Chicken, Alaska.

Tags: boss, cate, Food, rove mcmanus, signs, smile, ups, zeal

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Naomi Watts has carved out a niche playing set-upon
blondes and struggling heroines. Kelsey Munro looks at why torment
on screen comes naturally to her.
Naomi Watts has become the directors’ choice to play pretty
women having an awful time. She was a grief-stricken widow in
21 Grams; a journalist tormented by a girl from beyond the
grave in both The Ring movies; a midwife who tangles with
the Russian mafia in last year’s Eastern Promises; and the
mother in a family tortured by psychopaths in the coming Funny
Games. If that weren’t bad enough, she’s soon to be brutalised
by malevolent seagulls, reprising the Tippi Hedren role in a remake
of Hitchcock classic The Birds.
The British-born, Australian-raised actress has made anguish her
trademark, with a disturbing, lived-in intensity. Yet her torments
on screen bear little resemblance to the happy place where she is
in real life. The 39-year-old, whose success came famously late,
has an eight-month-old son with her partner, US actor Liev
Schreiber, and the creative clout and star power to make the movies
she chooses. So why does she keep taking these roles?
“It’s fun to play fear, the unknown,” she says. “There’s a lot
of emotion that comes within fear and that genre. I guess everyone
has their niche - and that seems to be mine.”
“I wouldn’t call her a technique actress,” says her friend, film
director John Curran. “She’s got really great instincts in the
moment and knows how to put herself out there and tap into the
emotion when she’s sort of free falling. She’s very brave in that
regard. She’s happiest when she feels like she’s a little bit out
of control.”
Lacking the aristocratic hauteur of Cate Blanchett or the
statuesque primness of friend Nicole Kidman, Watts has doggedly
carved out a screen persona that’s girlier and yet more disturbed.
But it was playing a bisexual blonde ingenue who has a breakdown in
David Lynch’s opaque Mulholland Drive that really made her
name in Hollywood.
“I guess some (of my films) are strange,” Watts says. “They’re
off, they’re not mainstream. But that’s not ever what I set out to
do - to appeal to the masses. I was just trying to do something
that would appeal to me. Maybe my mind is strange, I don’t know,”
she laughs a little.
In person, Watts doesn’t seem dark, strange or tormented.
Perched on a hotel armchair, wearing a silk turquoise top close to
the colour of her eyes, she is in Australia to promote her new
movie, The Painted Veil, directed by Curran. Her manner,
though polite, is reserved. Perhaps recent experiences have made
her wary of the media: since giving birth she has become more of a
paparazzi target, and lately everyone wants to know how she feels
about the untimely death of Heath Ledger, a former boyfriend. She
began dating the late actor, who was 11 years her junior, on the
set of Ned Kelly. She has been credited with encouraging him to
take the artistic risk of his role in Brokeback Mountain
role, although they broke up before filming started in 2004.
However, under her publicist’s threat of immediate interview
termination, I can’t ask Watts about any of this: Ledger is
off-limits. She’s happy, though, to talk about Schreiber, her
partner of three years. The couple are in Sydney for three months
while Schreiber works on X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
The Painted Veil, which finished shooting in late 2005,
was Watts and Schreiber’s first movie together. Watts and Edward
Norton star as a mismatched British couple caught in a cholera
epidemic in 1920s regional China, in the film based on W. Somerset
Maugham’s 1925 novel of the same name.
Watts finds dimension and humanity in the unsympathetic
character of Kitty Fane, a spirited, frivolous London socialite
turned adulterous wife who has an affair with Schreiber’s
character.
She admits she was worried about working with her new lover. “We
were very early in our relationship, probably only four or five
months in,” she says. “So we were both a bit edgy and nervous.
Particularly me - I’d already seen him live on stage so he had the
upper hand. (I was) still at that stage in the relationship when
you’re very intent on impressing that person…So I’m desperately
trying to impress Liev and I’m completely forgetting about how
Kitty should be moving and operating within this moment.”
The film was shot on location in the beautiful Guangxi province,
in a Chinese co-production that had its share of logistical
challenges.
“It was one of those films that have life-changing memories,”
Watts says. “It was incredible, the locations. We were really
there, living it as the locals were in these very remote parts of
the southern provinces.”
Curran says that Watts - who produced the film with Norton -
required minimal direction.
“I always liken her to a classic silent-screen actress,” Curran
says. “She’s really a master at conveying a lot by doing very
little. It’s a rare gift. Her script notes are generally about what
to take out, not what to add. She can play it: she doesn’t have to
say it with words.”
The Painted Veil’s remote locations and cultural
clashes sound like a picnic compared with Watts’s next role in
Funny Games, an R-rated film pitched as a bleak
deconstruction of violence as entertainment. It had a limited
release in the US this month.
“It was definitely difficult,” she says. “It’s a harrowing film
and subject and the way we shot the film was very close to reality.
(Director) Michael Haneke is not a believer in cheating much. When
I say that, I mean just in the way he ties your hands or…” - she
mimes tying a rope around her neck. “It was all very full on. But I
have to say I felt good making it. I conceived my son when I was
making that movie so I couldn’t have been in that much of a
state.”
After Mulholland Drive, Watts took every interesting
role she could fit in, with a strong sense of making up for lost
time. But with the birth of Alexander Pete Schreiber last July, she
applied the brakes.
“I don’t think I’d stop completely just because I’m a mum now,”
she says. “But even before my son came into the picture, I was
slowing down because I was worn out and also because of meeting
Liev and finding the balance of how we spend enough time together
and juggle work as well. But (motherhood) is fantastic. It’s
everything I wanted.”
Watts won’t discourage her son from going into the family
business, but child stardom is out. “If (acting) is his dream, then
so be it,” she says, “but certainly, that’s a long way off. No
child acting, that’s for sure.”
Watts was born in England and lived there until she was 14. (Her
father, Peter Watts, Pink Floyd’s sound engineer, died when she was
seven.) Her mother Myfanwy moved Naomi and her brother Ben to
Sydney in the early ’80s, then Watts moved to LA in the mid-’90s.
She has spent more time in the US than anywhere, but homesickness
for Australia has begun creeping back.
“I came back this time with my son, and it felt so much like
home,” she says. “I hadn’t had that feeling in a long time. It was
something about the sound of the voices, the food, the smells, the
light . . . I have a lot of nostalgia.” Still, a more permanent
homecoming is unlikely, to her regret. “Not right now. Liev is such
a New Yorker: he’s so connected to that city.”
Watts, too, seems to be leaving LA behind and moving into her
Manhattan period. She plays a Manhattan district attorney with
Clive Owen in The International, out later this year.
Intriguingly, in next year’s Need, she will play a wealthy
Manhattan therapist who learns that a suicidal patient, played by
Kidman, is having an affair with her husband. It will be the first
time the two old friends have co-starred, though their careers have
often been unkindly compared with each other.
Hollywood success came a lot quicker to Kidman. Watts was 31
when she made Mulholland Drive, after at least six years
of rejection and roles in bad movies (Children of the Corn IV,
Gross Misconduct, Tank Girl), which Watts satirised with
breathtakingly close-to-the-bone humour in the low-budget film
Ellie Parker, a minor Sundance hit.
It’s hard to imagine Kidman sending herself up as brutally as
Watts does in that film -a flawed but funny flick on digital video
about a talentless, perpetually out-of-work Australian actress in
Hollywood.
Indeed, that is Watts’s other major screen type, the struggling
actress (see King Kong and, memorably, Mulholland
Drive). It’s a role that looks a lot closer to her real life
than the tormented victim.
For a time, Watts considered turning Ellie Parker into
a TV series, but, at the last minute, pulled the plug in favour of
pursuing her big-screen dreams. In a perfect piece of cinematic
irony, it was on the last day of shooting - playing Ellie as a
B-grade blonde in a bathrobe who is doing a bad job of acting dead
- that Watts took the call cementing her success.
“We were stealing shots in very illegal places, just under the
Hollywood sign,” she says, “and I was negotiating my King
Kong contract on the phone.
“I just want to be involved with other good artists, great
filmmakers and great writers. The material has to speak to
you…because if you’re doing it for some other reason,
like…you’re going to make a lot of money; that’s just not enough
of a reason.”
Still now, with the ability to pick and choose her roles, Watts
returns to characters struggling with awful fears or torments.
“I’ve never set out to end up in that genre,” she says, then
smiles. “Having said that, I’ve always been a fan of
Hitchcock.”
The Painted Veil screens from April
24.

Tags: actress, bear little resemblance, brother, cate, cate blanchett, director john, filmmakers, Food, hero, hollywood, job, journalist, nicole kidman, rbi, smile, target

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Nowadays if you can build something that needs power, chances are there%26#39;s a USB version out there. And chances are someone will want to buy it.
Over the past year regular readers will have seen USB-powered heated gloves, robotic hamsters, rubber-ducky mice and the ever-popular pole dancer.
Here are the pick of this year%26#39;s crop of bizarre USB gadgets currently burning up the virtual tills of online shores.
The products on the page are all from overseas sites (though if you look around you may be able to find them closer to home) and prices don%26#39;t include shipping.
Speed demonHow fast can you type? The touch-typists around your office probably think they%26#39;re all that while tinkering the plastic. Admit it, you%26#39;ve hidden a smile while the person next to you has tried to find, hunt-and-peck style, where the backslash is. The USB WPM Speedometer shows you exactly how fast you%26#39;re going in words-per-minute, with its car-speedometer like needle. Distracting, but fun to rev up. And the backslash () is under the backspace key. $50 from www.drinkstuff.com
Green upMost people want to be nice to the environment, but gadget users have trouble putting their money with their mouths are. Most gadgets are power suckers, slurping electricity even when they%26#39;re sitting around doing nothing, sometimes even when they%26#39;re turned off. This USB Eco-button will help you green up your PC habits a bit without doing much at all. Tap on the face of this little gadget and your PC (Windows only) goes into energy-saving Standby mode. It even comes with software to tell you how much energy you%26#39;ve saved, and how much carbon. Whether you save enough to power the thing (it%26#39;s illuminated) depends on how often you use it, I guess. $38 from www.eco-button.com
Disco infernoIf you%26#39;ve walked through a video arcade in the past 10 years, you%26#39;ll have noticed a game called Dance Dance Revolution, where you get points for doing the dance moves on the screen. The USB Dance Mat is a finger version of this. Touch the four pads as they light up and you%26#39;ll light up the finger-sized dancefloor. Cut-out disco diva puppet included (your fingers are the legs). About $22 from www.gadgetshop.com
Punching headWouldn%26#39;t you love to beat someone up? C%26#39;mon, admit it. Because unless you%26#39;re a Buddhist monk or Ghandi%26#39;s twin brother, there must be someone out there who really gets under your skin. This fist-size gadget could be just the thing to let out your frustration. The Punch Head lets out yelps of pain when you hit it, but better still you can load a photo of your favourite enemy onto your PC and watch the face distort as knock the gadget around. You won%26#39;t get closer to the real thing. Great stress release, but don%26#39;t let your friend/boss/partner see their face on it. Available soon from www.punch-head.com
BoxingOf all the USB gadgets I%26#39;ve come across online, this is probably the most useless. Punching a boxing bag is great exercise, building muscle and letting off steam and all that, but beyond that there%26#39;s not much point. I mean, it%26#39;s not fun or anything. So why make a USB toy where you tap the keyboard to make a boxer punch a bag? Ok, you get a score based on your %26quot;skills and rhythm%26quot;, and it makes boxing ring noises. But you%26#39;re still just punching a bag. And it%26#39;s not even real. $75 from www.gadgetshop.com
Oi!The USB Bouncer isn%26#39;t really intimidating, at least not compared with a real bouncer, but it may scare people away from your computer if they%26#39;re under the age of 6. The idea is good enough. Plug him in before you walk away and he%26#39;ll keep a sharp eye out for any troublemakers looking to use your computer. When he sees someone he shouts %26quot;You%26#39;re cruising for a bruising!%26quot; or something similarly threatening, and then I suppose keeps shouting it until that someone unplugs him. It%26#39;s worth pointing out to that he%26#39;ll also shout the same things at you when you comes back. For novelty purposes only. $75 from www.gadgetshop.com
Mini golfGolf nuts think about golf a lot, so much so it%26#39;s usually hard to get them to think or talk about anything else. Chances are the golf nut in your life thinks about their putting, the most maddening of all the golf strokes - so simple, but so difficult. This USB Putter Returner won%26#39;t help them putt any better - all it does it push the little balls back after you knock them in - but it may stop them telling everyone else about their latest round. Of course, if they%26#39;re a real golf nut, it%26#39;ll just remind them they%26#39;d rather be out golfing than in their office reading the latest report from accounting, but it%26#39;s the thought that counts. $25 from www.gadgetshop.com
Lounging lizardsThe USB Chameleon is reptilian friend for your computer monitor. Sit him on top of your monitor, plug him in, and he%26#39;ll randomly move his eyes about and stick his tongue out. Not really useful as much as distracting, but it might make that person who%26#39;s trying to palm off their work to you forget why they%26#39;re at your desk, at least the first time they see it. It doesn%26#39;t do what chameleons are best known for though - changing colour. $38 from www.iwantoneofthose.com
Arms raceLast year we mentioned the USB rocket launcher. In those innocent times its nerf missiles was sure to strike fear into the hearts of your co-workers. By now I expect it%26#39;s caught on and these weapons have proliferated around some unlucky offices as lowly employees fight to keep the stapler on their desk. The next generation has now arrived, and it%26#39;s got a webcam, so you can use it through MSN Messenger. You just have to think of a way to get your enemies to buy one no. I just hope Iran hasn%26#39;t heard about them. Mouse controlled, Windows only. $62 from usb.brando.com.hk
Mix it upAlarm clocks are in everything nowadays, from ipods to microwaves. This is the first time I%26#39;ve seen one in a blender, though. And a USB-powered blender at that. But wait, there%26#39;s more. While the USB Blender Alarm Clock purees your breakfast it also plays one of four 1970s game show jingles. Useful if you like to mash up food next to your computer while listening to bad music. $31 from usb.brando.com.hk
Keeping your secretsThe USB Panic Button is the slacker%26#39;s best friend. If you%26#39;re at work chances are you%26#39;d rather be doing something else, and sometimes you are, whether it%26#39;s updating your MySpace profile or reading Stuff. But wait, who%26#39;s this coming your way? It%26#39;s the boss, and he%26#39;s wondering about that report you%26#39;re %26quot;working%26quot; on. No fear though. Just slam the button and you can bring up a worky-looking spreadsheet or flow-chart, or even make your own that loads up. Explaining why you have a big red button on your desk though, is your own problem. $30 from www.latestbuy.com.au
Totally whackWhack-a-mole isn%26#39;t everyone cup of tea. Something about trying to hit plastic animals with a rubber mallet seems a little, well, silly to a lot of people. This little USB Whack It ditches the moles, and the mallet and leaves you with different coloured little men that you have to hit when they light up. It%26#39;s not going to change the world, but it%26#39;s cute and colourful enough to keep kids from touching your keyboard and accidentally deleting your desktop shortcuts. $30 from www.gizoo.co.uk
Heel! Searching for a way to let your computer know what it%26#39;s like to have a dog being overly amorous with your leg? A strange question certainly, but someone out there apparently thought it was a good idea to make a USB memory stick that did just that. Plug it in and pull some data off the stick and watch the dog, um, leap into action. Just tell the kids it%26#39;s dancing. More funny than disgusting and more bizarre than funny, but it%26#39;s definitely not something you%26#39;d want grandma to see in action. See a video of it in action here. $12 from www.thinkgeek.com

Tags: boss, brother, buddhist, Food, pace, smile

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